A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
Search asklemmy π
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
My life didnβt start until my 40s and so Iβm really grateful to have the opportunity to discover myself and do the things that I want to do and not be tied down to the needs of others. It feels amazing.
I do want to add, I never wanted kids or get married. My childhood dream was to connect to my inner compass, be authentic and express myself freely. I am grateful to be able to actualize this.
were you incarcerated
Internally. Yes.
I can relate to this person. I entered the job market in 2008, the same year the economy crashed. I was immediately screwed the moment I was old enough to work, which set me up for failure from the beginning. I'm now in my mid 30s and I feel like I just haven't been able to get my shit together no matter how hard I try. To this day I'm still working the same shitty retail and warehouse jobs for crumbs.
Edit: Meanwhile my GF is in her late 20s, has a work-from-home job that pays $24/hr, and is a homeowner. She's way more successful than I'll ever be, cause shit wasn't completely fucked by the time she started working. It's not fair.
When I'm out and about and I see parents dragging their whiny kids around, I'm filled with such relief I have peace and quiet in my life.
Beats the alternative.
Turn 40 in about a month and let me tell you, it's dope AF. I've got more friends than I know what to do with, having way more fun than in my 20s and I'm not tied down to raising a kid. I go to cons and adventures all the time that I couldn't do nor afford if I had kids. Having kids always grossed me out. I've got friends with kids that I can corrupt as needed.
50F who never wanted kids.
I am lonely at times, but so are many others who have children. Most with grown children are more lonely than I am because they lose a deep connection that became central to their very being as their children grow and part. That is true even for people with good relationships with their grown children and increases with age pretty consistently in America.
There are opportunity costs regardless of how you spend your effort in this life. Parents spend most of their effort in the care and raising of another human. Even if they do a poor job of it, parenting at its bare minimum takes a lot of effort. I spent my efforts on education, work, hobbies and friends. I have money, independence and a deep love for learning. They have companionship, support systems and share a deep love with their children.
I have a lot of nieces and nephews, and they now have their own children. I love them and show up when I am needed. They do the same for me. But it is at a distance. I have never been that interested in hanging out with them and doing family things. I do attend some family events. I bring a fun energy when I do attend stuff. But I miss more than I attend and I am good with that.
Overall, I think I made the right choice and I feel pretty good about it.
Married, happy, and doing financially ok (house paid off but no real savings). Life would have been a lot harder with kids.
Wanted kids, got married and careered at the right time to fund kids, then wife had a major mental breakdown after funking out of college, developed schizophrenia, and now has the mentality of a kid. Some days a toddler, some days a high schooler. I've been the only household income since marriage year 2, and I can't afford to deal with a pregnancy from that mental state or be basically a single parent afterward.
I'm considering adoption of teens after I retire and the assumed passing of my wife as she has a small pile of other health issues at this point slowly eating away at her.
Giles?
Is it a reference I don't get, or do you happen to know someone else in a strikingly similar situation?
Ah yeah the latter. Sorry, I don't know what kind of answer I was expecting there. He's a really well-rounded guy with a great career, nice house, but his partner has always been on the rocky side and then she developed a mental illness that has addled her brain to that of pure paranoia, or to that of a child. I don't know how he copes to be honest, but he exhudes a calm confidence that seems to defy the situation he is in
Your positive energy supported her, and what goes around comes around.
I am approaching 40, and I still don't want any, but i am deeply lonely and depressed as friendships are fading out of my life due to their children and my constant movement and disinterest.
i have no plan for the end of my life. since I won't be able to do much at that time anyway, I'm not sure that it matters. I'm willing to suffer through it and possibly kill myself if it means that im able to live my best years with the most freedom.
I'm a similar age, and similar point in life. I like kids, but I really don't want to have any of my own. I really enjoy being an uncle to many children, though- not related, just made it clear to my friends that I would love to keep my connection with them, and build a connection with their child.
People don't want to impose their child on others, but if you have a genuine conversation with them about being ok with kids, you'll get to see your friends more often, and if you're into it, they'll fucking live and appreciate the free babysitting.
Iβm hoping that assisted suicide will be a thing, but I have come up with a contingency plan if itβs not. The worst thing I can imagine is being stuck in a nursing home and not knowing whatβs going on or be unable to do things for myself.
Not sure where you are but some US states already have laws in place for "death with dignity." And of course some European countries too.
agreed. confusion and dementia would be my worst hell. i would need to get things in order before i lose control, if it lookes like things would go that way. i have no intention of living like that on purpose.
I relate to this 100%
Every member of my lineage: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" before doing exactly that.
Me: "I will never do to my kids what my parents did to me" fucking aced it
How old are you?
40
Mid-40s: it feels fine. It both complicates and un-complicates various things for later in life, but that's life.
I do like kids, but never wanted my own (at least biologically; I never fully ruled out adoption). We have nieces and nephews we can spoil instead of our own, heh.
Being an uncle is great. You get all the fun of kids, and can give the bloody things back when they start screaming and shitting everywhere.
You're correct. I didn't mean that 40 was itself too old, only that there is a certain point at which they'll be too old for biological kids. No one is ever too old to find a new relationship though.
Something that only occurred to me just now is that when I was in my 20s and early 30s and still assumed I'd have children (despite that looming self imposed pressure feeling exactly like dread), the parent-child relationship I had imagined in my head was set in the past.
I grew up in the 90s and early 00s. I'm an elder millennial. I think my gen was very lucky in that we got to see and enjoy the rapid emergence of technology before today's capitalistic enshittification but our interpersonal dynamics and everything we did didn't rely on it either. So the 'come home when it gets dark' or 'I'll meet you at 4 at the cinema' mentality was still strong. No social media or inability to switch off the connection to other people.
We also didn't have the existential crises that come with thinking about climate change, the death of truth and the rise of misinformation, and the next pandemic.
So when I was picturing raising a child it was in a dated context that for the most part doesn't exist anymore. Yes there's exceptions to everything - I'm speaking in a very general sense - but I cannot imagine myself growing up in today's world. I had a hard enough time back then, with similar struggles most kids have. How the fuck would I help my own child navigate it???
No thanks.
This is one of the arguments I have around the decision to not have children of my own. The world is pretty fucked, do I really want to create someone who will not only have to endure the shit to come, but also will undoubtedly add to that shit?
The counter argument, of course, is to raise the child in such a way that they make the world a better place. Ultimately, though, the problem is too many humans- why add to that?
Meh depression is killing it, but I don't think I'd be a good parent. I would probably be just fine but would rather help someone already here. Who knows.
Or has ups and downs.
I always wanted kids. So it's a constant source of regret and emptyness.
On the other hand, life is cheaper. I can do what I want when I want. I'm not wrapped in worrying about my kids all the time.
I'm 38, wife is 40, absolutely heartbreaking. We've been trying for 5 years, went to the NHS for IVF, but because of the pandemic we "aged out" of multiple rounds. The one go we had didn't result in pregnancy, and if we can't conceive with as many rounds as we can afford private were planning to adopt. Which is pretty difficult in the UK actually.
My wife and I are 30 and we're just doing out first round of IVF now. It's bloody expensive in Australia we can't really afford many rounds so it's going to be interesting. Spending house savings on having a child was never something I thought we would be doing
Honestly? Kinda lonely. I'll be 40 in a few months. I'm a woman, if the perspective matters .
I was engaged to the man I thought I'd marry and have kids with, but it didn't turn out to be the case, and although I learned how to choose better and what to look out for, I also wonder if I'm ever going to get to have a family of my own. It's been 6 years now since that fell apart, and I had to do a lot in that time to get back onto my feet, but the few relationships I've had since then are fleeting. Men seem afraid of commitment now, and it's hard not to completely fall to the idea that I'm just too old, which is what society is consistently screaming at me.
I don't feel old.
I am tired of searching though. At some point I will get to where I'm too old and that makes me sad to think about.
At some point we're too old to have biological children, yes, but my 72 year old father has been in a new relationship for about a year and they seem super happy together.
(Edited for clarity.)
40 isn't too old for kids. Plenty of people have kids at that age and they're doing just fine.
It's just more difficult when you're older.
Yes, that's true, but at that age you're financially more stable and have more patience than a 20y. We had our kids at about 30 and I think that's probably the best age for it.
Yeah I had my kids at 30 also. Definitely agree
Like Freedom. I love my niece and nephew and enjoy spending time with them. But if I had to feed, clothe, clean up after, provide for, and entertain them 24 hours a day (not even considering when they were babies!)... I literally cannot imagine it.
Been trying for 6 years. Not desperately, but it would be nice. Thinking about getting chickens.
Ermβ¦ normal I guess. I donβt know what it would feel like with children.
What I do know is I would be a terrible parent, I only got my shit together in my late thirties and I wouldnβt have been a good parent, so itβs good for the kids that I didnβt have any.
Best decision my (now ex) wife and I ever made. Not because we are divorced now. But because
a) I'm free to live my own life. and
b) Even back when kids was an option, she and I both kind of saw the world that was coming and decided that we didn't want to subject our children or grandchildren to the world that was turning to shit.
Looking around today, I feel absolutely vindicated for taking that stance back in the early 2000's when I was married.
Pardon my French but it feels fucking awesome. I've been able to travel the world. I have developed hobbies that I wouldn't be able to do so with kids. I have saved a lot of money and I have been able to advance my career.
As for passing my knowledge/experience, I volunteer at various charities where I can influence young minds. I don't believe that passing on genes down the line is the best I can do. The best I can do is to help young people achieve their goals.
Now, to address few some clichΓ©s. On my deathbed I will get the glass of water from a highly paid nurse. The "warm bed" is not the issue for me. When I go I will leave my possessions to a charity of my choice.
It feels amazing.
I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day.