Today I Fucked Up

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/CluelessCombination on 2023-08-12 00:54:08.

Looong time lurker and I finally have a TIFU worth sharing.

I live in an apartment in a college town and have been working reception/cleaning for the apartment's front desk and gym part-time over the summer while school is out. For the past month or so, a really cute and nice girl has been coming to the gym towards the end of my shift a few days a week. The catch is that I know she doesn't live here; I see her car pull in and out of the complex when she comes every time.

It's not an issue to me and in fact is fairly common, we don't check for residency and the gym is well stocked so naturally people outside want to take advantage. I let in everyone because it's not crowded during the summer and it's never been a problem.

She and I make brief conversation every time she comes in, and since she comes at the end of my shift, I'm also cleaning the equipment when she's finishing up, so we've gotten to know each other. It's honestly been really nice to talk to someone casually at the end of a long shift. I've hesitated on asking her to hang out outside of this setting because I'd rather not bother someone during their workout, but we joke around and it certainly felt pretty flirty at times.

The big FU happened when we were talking at the end of her workout about how nice the gym was and she made a comment about how "it's a wonder more people don't take advantage of it". I totally thought she was being sarcastic and hinting at how she didn't live here, so to play into the joke I said something along the lines of "you're kidding, but you should've seen the last guy who tried to break in, the police were on him before he lifted the bar off his chest". Granted, not my best work, but she went pretty silent after that and kinda shrank in on herself before leaving without the usual goodbye.

I was so confident that she was in on the joke that I didn't correct myself. She's even brought in a little keychain gift for me before, which I took as a genuine thank you for letting her in. It never occurred to me that she might've taken me seriously until it was too late.

It's been about two weeks and she hasn't been back. So at the very least I lost someone to talk to at a boring ass job and at worst I threw away a chance I had with someone I was starting to like a lot by making a dumb joke that wasn't even really that funny.

TL;DR: I work reception for an apartment gym and have been talking casually to a cute girl who comes in to work out. She doesn't live in the apartment. I thought she knew that I knew said fact, so I joked about it, saying she'd be punished for taking advantage of the service. She hasn't been back since.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/kitdi89 on 2023-08-11 22:30:58.

Full Disclosure: This did not actually happen today, but it's something that still affects me.

I (33F) used to have a best friend(38M), and we will call him John (not a real name).

John is married to a woman called Lizzie (not a real name).

I met John before he got married, AND when I was dating my now ex-husband. I have been divorced since 2016 and knew John for a least 2 years before my divorce.

A little back story interruption. I got married to my ex-husband in 2015. My ex-husband was abusive towards me and threatened to kill me on at least 2 occasions. Even when I told my ex-husband that I didn't feel safe anymore and tried to talk to him about it. (A few weeks before this talk he dented the trunk of my car because he was pissed off at me and I didn't see him when I was backing up trying to parallel park my car and he had slammed his hands down hard enough on my trunk. This dent was a constant reminder every time I saw it that it was a situation I was growing more and more unsafe in.) He took off his wedding ring left it on an end table and completely left to stay in his semi-truck because he was a truck driver at the time. Found out later he did that because he told me if he didn't leave that night he was so mad at me he was going to kill me.

While I was married, John and I lost connection, but after I moved back to my hometown after my divorce, we kept randomly running into each other. Like I changed jobs and he randomly would run into me when I was a work at both my jobs, there were times when I went shopping for something and we would run into each other, etc, etc. (Where I live is not that small of a town, so it was really weird that we kept running into each other.)

Needless to say, we got back in connection with each other and finally exchanged phone numbers to text and chat and build our friendship again.

I was dating someone at the time John and I reconnected but let's just say the relationship was not going well and I ended up breaking it off with the person I was dating at the time me and John reconnected.

John told me he was divorcing his wife, Lizzie. John and I would talk about our relationships, and he knew a lot of details about how my ex-husband abused me and how bad the relationship i was in when we started talking and hanging out again.

John had feelings for me that I knew about when I was dating my ex-husband, but at the time, I did not reciprocate because I was loyal to my ex-husband.

John and I ended up developing feelings for each other. Again, I want to state John kept telling me, along with anyone who he considered a friend, that he was divorcing his wife. When I was in the middle of my divorce, I also dated someone at the time through the divorce. John and I started dating because at this time, I thought he was actually going through the process of divorce, and I thought his wife knew they were getting a divorce.

You can probably guess by now. But after months of dating, John was NOT getting a divorce while we were dating. It's been over a year since John and I ended things, and I cut him off, but he is still married to his wife like nothing happened outside of the marriage.

I, on the other hand, seem to be mentally stuck. I have been through at least 2 abusive relationships (1 was just mentally abusive, my ex-husband was mentally and physically abusive), and my ex-best friend knew this. I can't seem to move on because I can't get out of the mental space that if someone I trusted as much as I did, John, that I don't think I can trust someone else. Also, for some reason, I still find my heart longing for him and missing him. I know I shouldn't, but as he goes on like nothing happened, I am sitting here hurting.

TL;DR, my best friend that I knew for 8+ years and knew I had been in abusive relationships, lied to me that he was getting a divorce and used me to cheat on his wife.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/HubbaBubbleKat on 2023-08-11 21:31:46.

After work today I was really craving juice, couldn’t tell you why but I was feening for it.

I went to the store and saw a deal on the 1.35L bottles of juice, apple or orange. I decided, as i just had orange juice with my breakfast this morning, i’d go for apple. It used to be my favourite when I was at college, but i’ve ventured out into the juice scene, drinking mostly cherry or cranberry and things.

A nice day to go back to the good stuff, younger me’s favourite, or so i thought.

So I bought my juice (£2 for a 1.35L Innocent apple juice, absolute bargain) Then I went home. Made my dinner. Sat down and drank the entire 1.35L of apple juice. (in 1 hour and 3 minutes)

And then.. my stomach growled at me, it started to feel a bit funny.. I did some googling..

Turns out Apple juice is a diuretic.

I just drank 1.35L of what’s essentially a natural laxative.

currently fighting for my life 🚽

TL;DR apple juice is a diuretic & i drank 1.25L of it.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Blackout_Mornings on 2023-08-11 20:05:16.

This is more of a preemptive TIFU but I can already feel the mounting dread and panic setting in and it’s only been 30mins.

Bit of background: my ex (nb 21) and I (f22) were in a six month, long distance relationship after around 5 years of friendship (we both had feelings for each other but were both hesitant about the distance) Not long by any stretch of the imagination but it genuinely was the best relationship I had ever had. Until it ended. And it ended badly. We were both going through some pretty rough mental health issues and both said things that we can never take back. And it completely ruined our relationship. We stopped talking and I regret that the most.

Then today happened. Its probably been a year since the break up and today I found a necklace that they sent me with their initials and I broke down immediately. It wasn’t until I saw the necklace that I realised how much I missed them and in the flood of emotions I texted them. And I’m already starting to regret it.

I won’t go into detail about the text because it was pretty emotionally charged, but the general gist of it was me updateing on them on where I am today and admitting that I love them both as a friend and more and that I really regret where we left things off.

It’s probably been about half an hour now and I can already feel the panic and regret building in my chest for multiple reasons. For one I don’t even know if they will reply to me. Another thing is I don’t even know if they have changed their number in the year where we haven’t been speaking. I feel like an idiot and I don’t know where to go from here.

TLDR: stupidly messaged my ex in a moment of weakness after not speaking for a year

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/45ghr on 2023-08-11 19:29:24.

This is inspired by another post today about someone giving his gf pepper spray.

Got a call from my mom today about her using the pepper spray I got her. She said she wanted to test it in case she ever needed it. Now, she had a test spray to do just that, but didn’t know it.

So, to begin the comedy of errors, she sprayed it into the bathroom sink, a small bathroom. It got on her hands, and back spray got into her eyes. She then tried to wipe it off her eyes.

As you can imagine, that’s a bad call. She rubbed in more. It hurt so much that, being older, she ended up crying and peeing some. As she peed herself, her hands went to her crotch. You can see where this is going.

So, liquid fire in her eyes, nose, and crotch, she stumbles into the shower and turns it on. Blinded, she slips and pulls down the shower rod and curtain.

Thankfully she wasn’t too banged up, but she called me a few hours after crying with laughter about the whole thing. Take it as a cautionary tale, yall.

TL;DR: my mom tested pepper spray, in the worst way possible. In a scene out of a comedy, she destroys the bathroom.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Sudden_Ambassador_22 on 2023-08-11 18:22:47.

So I usually take my dog to the park for walks, I take the same route and everything. Today tho was different, on my way home I fucked it and hit the guard rail on a tight turn going home. I felt it scratch the car but hopped it would be minimal.

I have at least 3 deep scratches and like a line of dent going towards the deeps scratches. I feel like an idiot for not noticing how close I was to the rail.

This has never happened before. I feel terrible. I love my car. Sure it’s used and not new but it’s mine and I love it. Now I feel like I failed it. Currently looking up paint kit so I can repair it.

I already cleaned it up, sponge cleaned it then alcohol cleaned it. So I can better assess the damage.

It’s pretty bad but at least it not a busted door or a huge dent. It’s fixable. Just YouTubing everything I can to better understand the process.

Dont think I can afford to bring it anywhere to fix. I’m on a budget and I don’t want to admit to my husband how badly I fucked up. I did text and say I messed up. He parks next to me. You can’t miss the damage. It’s pretty fuckin visible. Ughhh

Now I will lay on my couch in sadness as I watch some videos on how to repair deep scratches on my own. (My husband is at work rn so I doubt he saw my text, probably thinks it’s not so bad but I was almost on the verge of tears)

TL;DR: I fucked up by hitting a guard rail that I pass almost daily on my way home. Am looking to fix it myself but I feel like a damn failure.

P.S If anyone had any suggestions for paint kit brands or something that helped you fix your huge paint damage. It would be greatly appreciated.

Also any subs I can post this on so I ca. get better help. Thank you in advance.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/IllustriousDonutMan on 2023-08-11 18:55:59.

The title pretty much sums it up, but I will give everyone some context. My wife loves sex now, but it takes her a lot of work to reach a climax. Just to paint a picture, she essentially lays on her stomach while I presume a planking position over her while thrusting. This is the only position that works for her, and she does NOT like my weight on her during this time. So, I am essentially planking while thrusting for 25-30 minutes on average each time we do the deed. I don’t know how many fitness people are reading this, but they can attest that planking is the worst thing ever. But the silver lining is my abs are freaking solid now.

During one of our “sessions” we presumed her favorite position at the edge of the bed. After about 5 minutes I felt a slight ache in my low back, but I wanted to please her so I didn’t stop. Big mistake. During one of the final trusts, I hear a loud crack in my back and I scream in pain. Next, my hand slips off the side of our elevated bed and land tile floor smacking the back of my head against the ground. To my dismay, I only had a split second to realize that I accidentally dragged her off the bed with me. Everything seemed to move in slow motion for me as ALL of her weight landed on my face, smashing my head against the floor again. She is not a large person, but 120 pounds dropping onto someone's face can knock anyone out, and that is what happened. Everything went black.

I was in and out for a while after that, so I don’t really know what happened, but when I finally came to my senses, I’m literally being wheeled out of my house by EMS. I had gauze shoved up my nose, with a large man smiling from ear to ear standing over me. “Good morning, Champ,” he said.

They rushed me to the hospital; I had a concussion along with a broken nose. Interestingly enough, the doctor told me that I would be surprised by how often people end up in the hospital because of sex-related reasons. Who would have thought?

This happened a while ago and I felt like some people on here would find it amusing. Needless to say, we have been searching for other positions that work for her.

TL;DR: During sex, my wife can only finish in one position. I threw my back out, fell off the bed, and she fell on face sending me to the hospital with a concussion and broken nose.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/lwb03dc on 2023-08-11 17:54:04.

Mandatory not today.

I've been living alone in a new city for a little more than a year. I literally don't know anyone here except for my work folks who I don't interact with except for at work. With not much to do during my down time I got into online poker.

I have a decent job where I make around 100k a year and, where I stay, this puts me in the top 10% of earners. But over the last 7 months I've managed to lose 146k playing poker.

I primarily played PLO6. I started with buyins of 100, but soon moved to 500 and then 5000. I was losing often but only after I would run up insane scores. Similar every other day I would load up for 5k, run it up to 30k, proceed to lose it all, and then buy back 6 more times. I kept it mostly in balance with a couple of big cashouts, getting up from the table with, say a 70k profit, only because everyone else left. But I was a consistent loser, losing on an average 20k - 30k per month. My entire salary would go into this, other than rent and food. The last week or so of every month I would be counting my dollars to make sure I had enough to make it through. And then it happened.

I lost balance completely. Had a month where I lost 50k+. Blew through my savings, took an advance from work, then blew through that too.

As of today I'm down 146k, with 12k in debt and about 200 bucks to my name to last out the month. I don't have enough for rent this month and don't really know how I'm going to figure it out.

I am respected at work and seen as someone who is highly logical, analytical, practical and intelligent. What they don't know is that I'm also a degenerate gambler.

I'm sure I'll get through this. I have to. And I have to rebuild. But I just needed to put this down and share it with someone, even if it is just words in an empty sub.

Take care guys. Loneliness is a hell of a thing.

TLDR: Lonely well-to-do guy spends everything on poker. End up being lonely and in debt.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/PersonaGuy5 on 2023-08-11 16:25:51.

This happened yesterday and came to a head today.

Let me start off by saying that I am 19 years old and a male. I'm currently in college studying law. Our class groups have class WhatsApp groups where we can discuss anything college related. Due to a shake-up in the groups this year, I am still part of my old group's WhatsApp group. Anyway, most of the people in my group have a problem with our class representative because they feel that he is doing less than the bare minimum. And cue the fuck up.

Last night, it was announced on the group that the class representatives would be having a meeting, and the other group's class representative asked if there were any issues he should bring forward. A girl in my group asked if he could speak on behalf of our group, as our class representative doesn't do a whole lot to help us out. We'll call this representative "Brad". I figured that this was a good opportunity to start a little drama. I said that it was funny that Brad wasn't a good class representative, seeing as he talked big. A girl from the other group asked me if we raised concerns about anything to Brad on the group, and I said that we did, but that nothing really got done. The representative from the other group told us that we should email the relevant people to complain if we had a problem with our class representative.

Today, Brad came up to me and asked me if there were any complaints I had. I said no because I couldn't think of anything to say that wouldn't escalate the situation. He walked off. Class went on as usual. Then, at the end of the class, Brad came up to me.

He said that he saw the messages I had sent. At this point, I realised that I was fucked. He told me that in the future, he would appreciate it if I told him I had a problem with him to his face. I apologised and said that I would take that into account. He seemingly scowled at me, and then walked off.

For the rest of the day, I was feeling very stressed. And I naturally began to formulate scenarios in my head. I somehow came to the conclusion that my crush, we'll call her Carly, was involved because I could see looking at her phone intently as we went for our ten minute break that we get in between class sessions. I also heard what sounded like Carly mentioning my name to a friend of hers, as I was asked a question by our lecturer and required to give him my name. So, now I'm making up scenarios in my head based on a stupid thing I said, and I'm shaking at the possibilities that could arise.

TL;DR I talked shit on a class WhatsApp group and was found out.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/poopbutt42069yeehaw on 2023-08-11 14:37:57.

Lately Iv been playing with my cats while singing that stupid song since it’s been stuck in my head, even putting on this stupid American flag cowboy hat. Well one of my neighbors apparently was watching through my sliding glass door (apartments) and accused me of being racist, the car I was playing with happened to be black, I have an orange cat and we do the same play. Not sure what to think because this situation is so stupid and silly but now the neighbor flared when I walk by and sometimes makes comments, he’s an older guy maybe 60s who’s always wondering around the apartments and randomly striking up conversations, and now he’s telling people I’m a bigot. Only one person has approached me about it and I just explained the situation. It probably helps that my wife is Mexican and my best friend who comes over constantly is as well.

TLDR I sang a stupid song while playing w my cat and now an old guy is telling everyone I’m racist.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Best_Initiative7505 on 2023-08-11 11:55:42.

This is pretty mild by TIFU standards, but I'm still in some pain and can't do more than whisper like a Bale Batman wannabe.

While messing around with my girlfriend earlier today, I thought it would be funny to suddenly pounce on her and dramatically surprise-hug her. But my genius level body sense turned that intended graceful maneuver into a violently suicidal dive that culminated with me spiking my Adam's apple directly and vehemently onto the boniest part of her shoulder.

I spent the next couple of minutes rolling around in pain, clutching my throat as if I had been stabbed with a knife, while she sat there staring at me in wide-eyed confusion. Now she thinks I'm an idiot and I can't even defend myself because I've injured my voice box enough that I can't do more than raspily whisper. But I do agree I'm an idiot anyway.

TL;DR I tried to playfully embrace my girlfriend but ended up hurting my throat and now I can't speak.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/About7fish on 2023-08-11 11:04:59.

I've been getting more into firearms lately as a hobby and as a means of home defense. When I saw a relatively inexpensive Remington 870 Special Purpose I jumped at the opportunity. I'd read it was great with a few upgrades, one of which is a magazine extension to address its weakness of low capacity. So I order the parts, field strip my weapon, and here we are at point of fuck up.

For those of you unfamiliar with the workings of this weapon, there's another barrel beneath the top one with a cap on the end. Remove this cap and you have a spring cap, a spring, and a follower which work to feed shells in each time a round is racked via tension. My objective was to remove each of these and replace them with custom parts which when all told should add two shells to the overall capacity. The problem came with removing the spring. The owner's manual instructs owners to push the spring down, turn 90 degrees, and then slowly pull up. I'd gotten as far as the pushing the spring down and turning, but the spring just wouldn't budge after that. I had no idea how I'd pry that thing up and out. Then an idea which I can only describe as stupidity in genius clothing hit me: if I couldn't pull it out, why not go to the other end and push? And that couldn't be easier; having the spring pushed from that direction is exactly what this thing is designed for! Simple, intuitive, and quick. I like all three of those. I have some snap caps I use to practice dry firing without damaging the firing pin, I'll just load the magazine with them and push the spring that way.

Any of you who have any passing knowledge of physics or have been the victim of poorly manufactured or maliciously used rubber bands know where this one is going. All this time I thought my magazine held 4 shells. Nope. It's held 5 all along but it turns out the magazine spring has been stuck in the barrel. I got it stuck down further. And I just unstuck the shit out of it. Appropriately enough, like a bullet out of a gun, there goes the spring cap, spring, and follower. I'm sitting there stunned for a moment, as if sitting here long enough and refusing to view my surroundings would mean I could deny that anything had just happened. Then reality gives me gentle redirection and I make an assessment of the area immediately in front of me. There's a greasy black mark on my ceiling where the spring ricocheted off of the door and a follower that somehow landed right at my feet. I thought that was just the funniest thing, in a breaking the tension kind of way (forgive the inadvertent play on words). Then I turn around to get back to the video I was using as a guide to install this magazine extension.

There I find the spring cap and a chip in my monitor, nearly front and center. For a moment I was fuming - I've been working all kinds of overtime lately to make some upgrades in my life and now I have to put down even more money. I've only owned the damn thing for a month, I'd finally upgraded after 8 years! I've just busted my ass for free. But as I ranted like a lunatic to my better half about this latest in a long line of financial setbacks for us, she pointed out where exactly that chip in my monitor is: directly in front of my left eye. Remember that scene from Spongebob where he's playing cello for Squidward and shoots the bow through a painting of Squidward's face? That's pretty much where I am right now. I don't know how in the hell I wasn't nailed in any of the places on my head I'd prefer not be traumatically pierced, or on my way to the ED to spend considerably more than that monitor costs trying to rebuild and maintain a human face. But you'd best believe I mellowed out when perspective hit me like those components really should have. So here I am sharing this perspective in the hopes that my low today can make somebody else's high all the higher. That and to get well deserved criticism from people who actually know what the hell they're doing.

TL;DR was doing some amateur gunsmithing, forgot Newton's third, and bought a 400 dollar life lesson.