this post was submitted on 05 Jun 2025

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194

My girlfriend is keeping me a secret from her family. Am I stupid for feeling upset about this? (feddit.org)

submitted 2 days ago by bagbadback@feddit.org to c/nostupidquestions@lemmy.world

92 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.

(page 2) 46 comments

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[–] thisisnotmyhat@programming.dev 1 points 1 day ago

No pressure? You don't think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she's upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we're all free to do things your way?

Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn't about the culture gap at all? Maybe it's about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?

Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that's in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you're just bad at being selfish?

[–] courval@lemmy.world 19 points 2 days ago

Do you have a plan to move out with her when she tells them if it comes to that? Have you thought it through? Is this what you really want? Is this what she really wants? Don't fuck her whole life just because you're upset.

[–] last_philosopher@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

I just want to point out something that I've not seen others mention - sometimes girls are just way too paranoid about what their families will think. I know one girl who keeps insisting that her parents wouldn't let her date a black guy, but then she also admits that she dated a hispanic guy before and thought the same thing but her parents loved him. Honestly I think like 70% of girls imagine that their parents wouldn't accept some huge swath of men due to some superficial characteristic, but probably in reality only maybe 20% of parents would actually be against their daughter dating a guy who treats her well, even if he's of a type they dislike.

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 12 points 2 days ago

She's underage. I take her Muslim background is different from yours. And every family is an environment unique and different from other families. No matter that it's a free country and all that, it's her family, she lives with them, she has to endure the consequences of disclosing the relationship. Not you.

[–] Dagwood222@lemm.ee 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Don't get involved in her family drama. Just don't.

[–] sunzu2@thebrainbin.org 0 points 1 day ago

It will happen eventually and he will be disposed of.

[–] bobo1900@sopuli.xyz 10 points 2 days ago

Try and ask her the real reason why she might be reluctant. "Because they're muslim" is not a really strong argument; "because they are fundamentalist and they might extrange me as daughter or prevent me fron leaving the house if they found out" is a very practical explaination on this compromise she decided to take.

Families are complicated and sometimes shitty, but it's her family and navigating around you and them could be difficult (she might love her parents and want to maintain a relationship with them, or she hates them but relies on their financial support, both options are valid)

[–] ryedaft@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 days ago

Is she the oldest child?

And maybe she is scared that her family will kick her out. Having to do school without a family network can be very hard. Common advice for gay teens with homophobic parents is to wait with coming out until you have moved out.

And yes, you love her and you'll support her but then she will be very dependent on you and your relationship will become lopsided. You don't want that. You want her to be with you because she loves you. So please be patient with the person you love.

[–] PunnyName@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago

What about this situation is causing you to be upset?

[–] yournamehere@lemm.ee -3 points 1 day ago

you are 19...that is the definition of being stupid

[–] atro_city@fedia.io 5 points 2 days ago

It's fine that you feel upset, everyone has emotions. It's what we do with them that matters. It's a good thing you asked here and that the responses mostly aren't hurtful.

If you don't feel like you can talk to your girlfriend about it, I invite you to go to a mosque and try to get to know a few Muslims. Or if you have Muslim friends, try to talk to them about relationships and about women dating. Also, if you do want to talk to your girlfriend about it, try to be the listener. Do not push back, try to be understanding, give a space where she feels comfortable to go into the details. Just don't pressure her.

This is a good relationship to discover how you deal with discomfort regarding the issue of acceptance by others. It will give you an opportunity to practice. You might handle it well, take the advice you got from here and apply it successfully. You might also end up without a girlfriend, but that's all part of the journey. You'll get to know yourself better.

Good luck.

[+] nesc@lemmy.cafe 3 points 2 days ago (2 children)

[removed by mod]

[–] Stamets@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (4 children)

At best, they will be upset

At worst, they will murder

Jesus fucking christ.

First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.

Second, at best they won't be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn't muslim and won't be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I've dated whose parents didn't give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who've dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.

What is this racist/islamophobic bullshit? Fuck off, dude.

(Edit: Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism but nonetheless I added it on its own)

Edit 2: Downvote me all you want. Your value as a human is equivalent to the value you give other humans so I'm really not concerned with what the fuck you think.

[–] krawutzikaputzi@lemm.ee 21 points 2 days ago (1 children)

The fact that the girlfriend doesn't want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won't be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.

It's nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.

[–] TheLeadenSea@sh.itjust.works 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)

What is this racist bullshit?

Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.

[–] Stamets@lemmy.world -4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism.

Source 1

Source 2

Source 3

[–] crt0o@lemm.ee 17 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Race and religion are fundamentally different, one is a trait you're born with that you have no control over, the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from. I'm sick of this "you need to respect everyone's religion" bullshit. No, I cannot respect an ideology which promotes stoning gays, and anyone who does is a moron.

[+] Stamets@lemmy.world -11 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from.

Tell that to every gay muslim who can't speak out.

It's so frustrating constantly seeing people use the "Muslims stoning gay men to death" thing while never thinking about those gay men other than as a fucking scapegoat.

As for your shit about one is a trait you're born with that you have no control over... You think that doesn't apply to religion? You think that a dude born in the middle of Saudi Arabia is going to get a say on what religion he grows up under?

Yes. Religion has problems. Many fucking problems. But handwaving it away as something that you have no control over is a minimization of reality and a fundamental demonstration that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Don't use us gay folk as an example for your hatred when you don't care about the gay folks INSIDE of that group. Things are not as black and white as you want to believe that they are.

And all of that without bothering to point out that you're being just as bigoted by acting like every single Muslim is absolutely the same.

[–] crt0o@lemm.ee 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Well yes, the whole situation is complicated, I don't advocate hatred towards religious people, I just think that religion should be criticised like any other ideology, and eventually left behind by society. I think that every person should have the privilege of growing up in a society that isn't hateful and given the kind of education that would allow them to form their own beliefs, not just blindly inherit them. Sadly we are still far from that.

I used that as an example because it was the first thing that came to mind, I could have used any of the other million religious beliefs I disagree with, this isn't about people, it's about ideas

[–] AWistfulNihilist@lemmy.world 6 points 1 day ago

I don't think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.

I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it's happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it's ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn't want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it's ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.

But it's fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.

I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!

[–] nesc@lemmy.cafe 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

First, religion is not a race. Second, I'm from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I've been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.

Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.

[+] Stamets@lemmy.world -10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

First, religion is not a race.

Might want to educate yourself on what racism is because Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism. Source 1, Source 2, Source 3.

Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority.

Which is irrelevant unless OP lives in the same area you're from. You also did not clarify that and spoke about Muslims as a whole, you did not clarify level of secularity.

Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.

I doubt anecdotal evidence from you personally is reflective of reality in your area, nevermind world wide.

Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.

And again, anecdotal evidence from your specific area. That isn't reflective of reality and it is racist as shit for you to go "My experiences reflect reality as a whole."

So. I say again. What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.

[–] nesc@lemmy.cafe 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Sometime I forget that wrongthink is not allowed around lemmy. You are perfectly fine with giving right answer even if it can bring horrible result.

[–] sunzu2@thebrainbin.org -4 points 1 day ago

Get a new girl friend.

This won't end well. These stories never do. Why waste time?

Edit: y'all can downvote. It OP take a note of this comment in a few years once this drama settles.

This is not a healthy dynamic.

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