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Before you share unasked for information with someone consider these two points:
If the answer is No to either one or both, keep to yourself.
In related news: Sometimes people want to vent, sometimes they want solutions. If you don’t know which one is needed it’s okay to ask!
There's actually a 3 question test for this.
it was explained to me one time as W.A.I.T
Why
Am
I
Talking
That's sensible advice - often, sharing the info sounds like "I assume that you're an ignorant, so let me enlighten you little thing". And/or fails to take into account relevant, but unmentioned details.
However, when discussing in public (like here), and in more general grounds, there's a complicating factor - the audience. Often what you say might not be useful to the person whom you're replying to, but it might still be for someone else.
If you feel like you are walking on eggshells every day with your partner you are at best with the wrong person. More likely you are being abused. No, they will not improve. You can try any number of strategies for conflict resolution but the horrors will persist.
That's also true for friends or close enough acquaintances
I was in this picture, and I still don't like it.
You can't convince someone to love you. It either is there or it's not. They either like you or they don't. It doesn't matter how much you work it or angle yourself it's not there, and you need to move on.
Movies will convince you that you just need to try another way, be romantic. They're wrong. It makes you come off as desperate and weird. In real life you can tell them you have feelings, but a no is a no, and it means move on.
The thing I'm learning is that if someone falls in love with you while you're trying your hardest to be lovable, they may not continue to love you when you start to get comfortable and be yourself.
Don't put energy into a relationship that you cannot sustain or the relationship will fizzle out as soon as you do.
When you go all out, make sure that they are aware on some level that you are going all out and this is a special occasion and not the mandatory minimum.
And if you find yourself putting unsustainable energy into a relationship, that is a gigantic red flag that you yourself need to pay attention to. If the fire won't stay lit unless you keep pouring gas on it, the fire needs to go out.
Obviously this depends on where you live and what job you want, but I learned that getting a job is less about "having skills" and more about marketing yourself. Optimizing your CV. Bragging about your work on LinkedIn. Writing a cover letter with the key words they're looking for.
It's all very stupid, but it matters a lot to companies.
Also, knowing the right people. Of all my positions, only two did I get by being the best unknown applicant. One was a job setting up private care medical services for the VA. The other was a research assistant position in my Master's program^1 . All the rest were by people that knew me, so they recruited me specifically. Of course I had to be a good performer to be recruited, but they still knew me before applying.
1: While it wasn't stated, I think that I got the position in part because they were interested in hiring a gay man for diversity purposes. This was in the 2000s, and the writing sample I submitted with my application was a sociology term paper arguing for LGBTQ rights, so they assumed I was gay. I still had to have an extraordinary application to be considered, but the likely chose me from among the top applicants for my supposed gayness. The thing is that I'm not gay or bi, so I kind of felt bad about it once I started thinking that's why they recruited me 😕
That just because someone treats you better than you’ve ever been treated before, does NOT mean that they are treating you WELL.
If you were bullied or abused as a kid, do some actual reading about what’s normal and healthy, and get out of a situation immediately if there are any even slightly concerning signs. No second chances, no guilt, no self blame, just go.
I learned this for work, too.
Added to that: your company will let you go without warning. If they've proved this, then they deserve nothing better. Since then I have ab-sol-ute-ly no qualms about bailing without warning.
Right‽
2 jobs ago, I left with essentially 3 days warning because I was fucking miserable (this gave me a week off between jobs).
The last job I left, I negotiated a 3 week gap, so I'd be able to give a two-week notice AND take a week off because I genuinely liked the job and the people I was working with, but I fell into an opportunity too good to pass up.
A super important life lesson is to always put yourself and your mental health before the company.
I got some life advice somewhere, I don't remember where, that was essentially: Don't craft a well-thought-out argument against somebody that John Brown would have shot AND never give two weeks notice to a company that makes you miserable and it has been life changing.
Despite how you feel and what experts and friends tell you, you might be seriously struggling with mental health. One stiff breeze and the stack of cards comes tumbling down.
If your spouse is near comatose but is still arguing he doesn't need to go to the hospital, it means he's in diabetic ketoacidosis and you need to call an ambulance no matter how stubborn he's being despite not being able to keep his eyes open.
If you don't feel it, don't do it. Some injuries don't heal right, and many of the hobbies I enjoy have a pretty damned high risk factor. Almost every single time I've had a serious injury, that little voice was telling me "This one might not end well", and I went for it anyway.
I could have walked away, called it a day, and come back another time. It wasn't a contest, I was just out filming a few tricks for my "You're turning 40 and still doing it" video. Didn't stretch, didn't warm up, and my over enthusiastic filmer was all "Try this, do that". Ended up collapsing my knee and fully tearing my MCL.
Between that and a few neck and back fractures over the years, my mobility and flexibility are pretty well shot. There are things I just can't do anymore.
Sure I still skate, and am amazed just how much I can still get away with, but now every minute on the board includes a constant "Is this safe? Is this worth it?" chant.
You get a bigger raise by just getting a new job.
And…
HR is there to protect the company, not you.
The value of a consistent circadian rhythm.
I have cultivated my circadian arrhythmia to the point where I feel rested after a 20 min nap and feel great after 4 hours of sleep. The shadow people even wave to me in code sometimes to remind me what day it is!
If you feel like you don't need your medication anymore, that means the medication is working, and doing what it was prescribed to do.
It took me years of reading, talking, and thinking to break religious childhood indoctrination. Being able to let go of a fear of hell was a big step near the end I think.
A funny thing I found out about dwelling on negative emotions like fear and guilt is that it never helped me become a better person. Quite the opposite. Only by facing my issues head-on and forgiving myself if/when I screw up do I actually make progress. (Some religions would have us look 'outside' ourselves for forgiveness, but that always places our spiritual wellbeing on some unknowable other.)
Don't drink alcohol with a mood disorder, It might seem ok for a while, but it's totally not.
"Don't buy this early access title unless you're happy with the current state of it"
I'll just link my Steam review. Fuck Take Two Interactive.
Your grandparents/parents had a whole life before you. Loves, wishes, likes, dislikes. You can ask them about literally any topic in the world and they will probably be happy to talk to you about it. Where was their first holiday? What did they watch on TV, who was their hero, what job did they actually want to do.
One day they will be gone before you if life goes the natural way and it will be too late to ask and you may regret not taking a moment for a chat.
Never stick your dick in crazy. The sex is great but it's absolutely not worth the drama. That being said ... it was a fun lesson to learn!
On Linux, about twenty-five years back, on stock Red Hat Linux (and, I suspect, all Linux distributions) the bash shell used to match .* against both . -- the current directory -- and .. -- the parent directory.
This means that if you ran rm -rf .* in a directory, you'd delete all the files starting with a "." -- "hidden" files in the current directory. You'd also start recursively-deleting the contents of the parent directory.
This led to all kinds of excitement if, in a directory in your home directory, you'd try deleting all dotfiles. The rm command would also attempt to wipe out all of the contents of your home directory -- all of your files. And this isn't a system where there's some "undo delete" option, unless you had a backup system in place (which is a good idea, but wasn't something set up by default).
These days, bash doesn't do that.
EDIT: I'd also add that that was the single major reason that I initially liked zsh, a competing shell. It didn't do that by default.
EDIT2: A possibly-more-applicable-today thing I also learned the hard way: "Make backups. The cost is worth it."
I learned not to say things about people behind their back, that you'd not be prepared to say to their face, aged 14.
Cost me a black eye & split lip, also some pride. Valuable lesson though that stuck with me to this day over 2 decades later.
Knoble, sorry for calling you Knobless.
I saw a semi-famous abuse therapist (Dr. Rhoberta Shaler^1 ) 1.5 years ago for 7 sessions. She is known for trademarking the term hijackal. Hijackals are people that hijack relationships and scavenge them relentlessly for their own desires; they are what most people call toxic or abusive. Everything she told me in those 7 sessions has been on point, even the stuff I thought there was no way she could even have a judgement on because she didn't have enough relevant information. Since then, I have caught myself saying or thinking, "That's what Dr. Shaler said!" Here were some of her claims that I eventually realized were true:
She straight up said that there are humans and there are hijackals, but unfortunately they both look the same from the outside. At the time, this view of humanity seemed too simplistic by using an all-or-none/splitting thinking style. I thought she was either traumatized herself or exaggerating to help me see my abuser as all bad so that I would escape. The more I learn, the more I see she was 100% right. There are humans, and there are hijackals. Yeah, people make mistakes, but people that purposely abuse others do that every time everywhere with everyone. That's all they do.
She asked me about my history of romantic relationships, and I gave her maybe a brief 5-10 summary. She straight up told me they were all hijackals except for my high school girlfriend. At the time, I thought she was overconfident or testing me to see my response. I eventually came to realize that she was 100% right.
She asked me about social relationships. She said they were hijackals too. I argued saying that wasn't true. She didn't fight me. She just said something like, "Well, it's been my experience that wherever there is one hijackal, there are more." I ended up cutting off a few people and blocking numbers since.
Hijackals are exhausting. Some of them are very good at manipulation, so it's almost impossible to consciously notice them for a while. However, your body/intuition picks up on it somehow, and you feel exhausted being around them. There are people that seem chill and caring at first, though they are exhausting and I notice myself needing to take breaks from them or having to brace myself for being around them. At first, I can't find any major reason to label them as a hijackal, but eventually it comes out.
Hijackals do not change. They are permanent. What fuels it is toooo strong and deep. Less than 99% of hijackals ever change.
Do not tell a hijackal you are aware they are a hijackal!! This will blow up in your face immensely. They will either use your levers against you or sabotage your reputation so that no one else will believe you. In no way will they have a reckoning with themselves, acknowledge their unhealthy ways, and work on the underlying problem fueling their behaviors.
I will know I'm healing and strengthening once I learn to trust myself. To trust myself, I will have to set boundaries beforehand, then stick to them. The longer I go without placing true boundaries or not adhering to them, the longer the healing process will take.
The other step to healing is to grieve whatever I lost with my childhood. It's over, and I'm not going to find it anywhere because that time has past. I need to accept that at an unconscious level rather than try to find it.
Everything my father and other hijackals have told me is a lie. I seriously thought this was splitting on her behalf, that she was exaggerating like saying that there are only humans or hijackals. Nope. Over the past 1.5 years, I learned a lot about narcissists. One thing that hit hard was a confession that a narcissist wrote about how they think and behave. That confirmed the statement she made. Everything my dad, sister, and exes have told me were lies. Everything they accused me of was what they were doing. Everything they accused me of being was what they were.
1: She has a famous podcast. Unfortunately, she died recently. She was a loss for humanity.
Less than 99% ever change
I guess it's the other way around ;-)
Also very informative (learnd that the hard way too ) thanks gor sharing and good luck, there are loads of fun things in life!
Haven't learned yet, and still struggling with it but if someone asks if you are OK, don't go for the default awnser, if anything say idk.
That and asking for help, I been in the bottom of the barrel one too many times just because I din't ask for a hand early on.
When you close a bank account, make sure you print out all of your statements first. They'll keep your records, but have no obligation to give you those records when you stop holding an account there.
When I had to dispute a debt with a collector, I tried going to the bank and they wanted $8 per monthly statement. I knew I had made the payment but wasn't sure when because it was years prior, and could easily have spent more on those statements than the debt was for. Luckily the debt originator found proof of payment before it went any further, but lesson learned.
Relationships aren't like goulash. They don't reheat well. What caused the first breakup will likely cause another.
You can explain anything in the world to me until you are blue in the face but until I ex0erience it first hand I won't have any idea what your talking about. Just the way I retain info.
When the Dr says wait 72 hours before drinking alcohol after taking the anti biotics give it a week at least, it's just not worth it.
That I am simply not greedy enough, ruthless enough, or duplicitous enough to be my own boss, much less the boss of anyone else.
Do not take out private student loans.
In 2005 the original balance on my only private loan was $30,000. After almost 20 years of $500 on time monthly payments, the balance is $37,000. Yes, you read that right.
This loan will be dragging me down, making my life difficult until I die. College wasn’t worth this bullshit.
Backups are important. Having your OS die 2 days before a deadline isn't fun.
Don't get addicted.
And you'll never feel like an addict right up until the point where you are.
You have to roll forward and reconcile the fixed assets every month or you will spend days catching up at year end, invariably finding a prior period issue that has to be corrected in the current period.
I was warned, but trusted the system too much - it can't regulate human error, no matter how many controls are in place!
Looks matter.
Trigger warning: Suicide
Don't trust a suicidal friend's promise that they won't off themselves and will seek help. Try everything you can to get them into therapy. Even if it will cost your friendship. It can save a life in the end
