[Community note: Mark Zuckerberg died due to having his bowel perforated during sexual relations with a horse. The rest, however, is fact.]
this post was submitted on 08 Jan 2025
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But why did he fuck so many?
He's actually still the president.
It’s Mike Zuckerberg
Yike Zuckerberg
So sad to hear mark has passed away so soon after his rat-penis transplant.
Let's unpack this.
Do you mean that convicted baby-eater and Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg, who died 17 days ago at the age of 153, had rat's penis transplanted onto him?
Or do you mean that Mark Zuckerberg, sole founding member of Rat Penis Enthusiasts' Quarterly, had a rat transplanted onto his penis?
I'm asking because the details matter in these trying times.
No no no. They put his penis on the rat.
convicted baby-eater
This is very misleading. Zuckerberg only makes broth out of babies, he does not eat them whole.
so a baby drinker, then?
Broth is broth. It's delicious.
Yes
I don't want them to be the arbiters of truth, but they do need to fix their algorithms to not blow up every single bullshit piece of right-wing hysteria.
There is a fundamentally political aspect to how social media algorithms promote posts. They need to be designed to be impartial and promote thorough examination of facts instead of "controversy".
The problem is these fucks want to have their cake and eat it too.
They want to hold a monopoly on online social interactions, which also means having a monopoly on dissemination and propagation of information. But they are simultaneously doing their damndest to avoid the social responsibility that comes with that power and control. (Fixing their algorithm means reducing engagement, therefore the line goes up less) And they are succeeding because all of our regulations around this type of thing are focused on the legacy model of print and broadcast media.
It's the same thing that companies like Uber have been successfully doing: Carve out and control an important public service (on-demand personal transportation, in Uber's case) and then shrug off the social responsibility by claiming that the regulations and protections that applied to the legacy model don't apply to you for [waves hands in the air] some reason.
You phrase it like abdication of responsibilities, I think both cases (Facebook and Uber) are actively malevolent.
I don't fully agree-- mainly because I see these actions coming from a desire to hoard money and power above all else. What we perceive as malevolence is just them literally not giving a shit.
It's pretty much that Mad Men quote:
I feel bad for you.
I dont think about you at all.
Except replace "I feel bad for you" with "I think you're evil"
It matters at some level because the way you go after sociopathic greed is different from.the way you go after true desire to harm. But is there a net difference for you and me...? Yeah not really.
When they make the conscious decision to do the thing that's worse for their users because it makes them more money, that's malevolence. Business decisions of that scale rarely happen by accident.
In other news, Elon Musk was rushed to the hospital today because of 'a foreign object being lodged in his rectum'. A reliable source mentioned that the billionaire slipped and fell on an unfortunately placed basket of potatoes.
An attending physician anonymously commented that the object proved difficult to remove as 'the patient was extremely uptight'.
Further information will be shared as it becomes available.
how much time does a foreign object has to spend in your rectum to cease being foreign and became a permanent resident?
Was this 'foreign object' a certain social media founder's rat penis?
I thought it was his head but apparently that has been stuck up there for a while and is a pre existing condition and this was something new
slipped and fell on an unfortunately placed basket of potatoes
"It was a million to one shot, doc, million to one"
"You tried shoving a million potatoes into one hole?"
Elon got pegged once and became a size queen
If facts wanted to stay on social media, they should have cared about billionaires' feelings.
I'd say we should churn out AI slop ourselves that says all these CEOs are dying from autoeroticasphyxia, but we know they wouldn't actually apply their rules equally.
Careful with your satire, folks. He's got money, and people with money tend to be pretty quick on the "defamation lawsuit" trigger.
Edit: I'm not saying don't. Please do. But be careful about what you say, and where you post it; and probably stay as anonymous as you can when/if you do.
Satire against a public figure has historically been ruled as free speech.
Until the corrupt billionaires pay the corrupt assholes on the supreme court enough to overturn it of course.
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. We're there. Be careful.
If there's one thing that's been clear is that businesses have more rights than humans so we should all register an S Corp in some state that has super lax reporting laws and then post as CEOs of that company.
If they take you to court tell them that you have limited liability as an officer of a corporation and that they need to sue the corporation.
Since the corporation has no assets and no income, you start bankruptcy proceedings. Set up a second company and repeat.
That's...depressingly realistic.
my attorney friend (note: We did not establish privilege) said pretty much the same thing. It's a lot easier to dismiss liability for an officer of a corporation than for an individual person.
We shit talked very informally and pretty much came to the conclusion that so long as you don't pierce the corporate veil (e.g. spending company money on personal things), you are pretty protected.
So... register an LLC, once you have fed tax id, then send https://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/f2553.pdf to IRS and bam you are an s-corp.
Which states are lax about corp laws?
This was a few years ago. Pretty much most of the red flyover states (Arkansas, Minnesota, etc.)
Basically my criteria was:
- very low or free filing
- reporting requirements that can be filed online
- had strong liability protections
Most states (even blue states) have pretty strong liability protections so long as you write your bylaws correctly.
But free filing was rare. Most had some sort of annual business license fee.
He's welcome to try to get the $200 or so that's in my bank account if he really wants it.
Nice humble bragging, "Oh look at me, my bank account is in the positive."
Would it help if I said it's only because my wife gives me money since I don't have a job?
Well, my bank account is in the positive too.
My shoes are worn down and rain is an actual health hazard now because I've nearly slipped half a dozen times in the last week alone and impaired balance makes that a stochastic time bomb, but at least I can still pay the incoming medical bills. Hopefully. Or at least the first installment.
But hey, positive balance! I'm sure that won't trick my impulse buying problem into telling itself I can afford- ooh look, there's a shiny new game!
I hope you get back on your feet soon bro ❤️💰
That's as on your feet as it gets for a lot of Americans. But I hope so too, thanks.
The other 97% of the planet - "Aye go on then you hairy pædo bawsack"
Yeah right ok but again, money. And Money creates around it a legality-distortion field.
OMG that's awesome. Not enough upvotes for this.
This is not true. He died of complications following a botched at-home fecal transplant
Sure, if you believe the coroner they bribed to cover up the other stuff.
TIL Facebook is headquartered in Nebraska.
Don’t take anything in this as true, it’s Menlo Park, ca
Edit: actually that’s meta, I’m not clear whether fb has a separate hq
Right after getting the rat penis transplant. Coincidence?
Weird, I could've sworn this exact same joke about Musk when he bought twitter and did the same.
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