Thinking of ourselves as a girl. That's it, the rest doesn't matter too much as there's no one or correct way to be one.
this post was submitted on 01 Jan 2025
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Transfem
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Get a nice oversized hoodie and a Blahaj :3
I have thought about the hoodie, and I did get a blåhaj recently! It's comfy AF!
estrogen 😆
EDIT: before someone points out this isn't a small thing, I think HRT should be thought of as relatively small step - so many women wait really long to start estrogen for no reason other than perception that this is some huge step that you can't undo.
I think estrogen should be one of the first things anyone does when exploring because it gives you so much information about what feels good for you, and it can potentially be so life-saving, and because it is such a low-cost and low-risk thing to do.
There is no reason not to start with estrogen as the first little step:
- it can be stopped anytime and
- there are no long-term or permanent changes until after taking it for three months, and
- it's relatively cheap.
Three months is a long time to figure out if estrogen is the right thing for you, if it helps, if actually it's crucial for your mental health and basic functioning, etc.
Even past 3 months you don't have to socially transition, you might have another 9+ months before you can't boy-mode anymore, I have a friend on oral estrogen who is still boy-moding a year later without issue (though your mileage may vary - I don't think I could boy-mode anymore because of my breasts). I know a woman who has been on estrogen for much longer who still boy-modes at work, and people see what they want to see - I can't see a man in her, but because they all knew her as a man, that's what they see still.
All this to say, estrogen should come first. It's not a big deal.
you might have another 9+ months before you can’t boy-mode anymore
This is pretty much exactly what I did, started HRT, let it cook for about 8 months, and them was able to transition socially in a much more 'flip the switch kind of way'.
Most of my dysphoria was hormonal though, I did not like the way T made me feel at all. The social aspect was less immediately urgent for me personally, but that may not be true for everyone.
Bonus info: Calvin Klein sells a no-show sports bra that does a very good job of hiding breast development for a while under even a fitted T-shirt. It has enough padding to hide pokies and protect from bumping against stuff early on, saving a lot of pain and trouble.
CW: suicidal ideation
yeah, I socially transitioned three months before I started estrogen. That was because the same day I figured out I was trans I realized I just wouldn't ever transition if I didn't force myself out of the closet by being public in that moment. The temptation to never transition and rationalize a way out of transitioning was too great, and I realized I had been doing that my entire adult life.
Needless to say, social transition without any hormones was hell for me. Obviously I should have been on estrogen my whole life, I had awful biochemical dysphoria, and I honestly marvel how I survived and didn't kill myself. There were previous attempts and lots of suicidal ideation from the time I was 13 years old. When I was 18 - 19 I made very concrete plans and took steps to make that plan happen, but I couldn't pull the trigger (metaphorically speaking).
During the three month wait for estrogen there was one night I woke up in the middle of the night in extreme distress and had to carefully manage extremely intense suicidal impulses. I just don't think anyone should go through that, and even though at the time I downplayed how much I was suffering, I look back now and balk.
I suspect many other trans women without estrogen feel the way I did, and it's incredible to me how much we as a community tolerate this harm. If the problem were diabetes, nobody would be wringing their hands about when or whether they should start insulin, it's only because of transphobia that we all think it's reasonable to not address a serious hormone condition. (Though not every trans person requires HRT or has biochemical dysphoria, since so many do and it's such a low risk for those who don't need it, I think it's worth encouraging any trans person to start hormones ASAP as a kind of obvious harm reduction.)
EDIT: also, taking hormones made it more obvious to me that transitioning wasn't the ... optional step I thought it was. I had previously thought it was just a way for me to indulge in the desire to wear women's clothes and try to be socially accepted as a woman - desires I thought were much less important than other considerations like a career which would have been threatened by transition / being visibly trans. Once I was on hormones I understood that transition was fundamental to my health and well-being, and that by not transitioning I was risking my life. It's not a choice for me, it truly isn't - it only seemed that way when I was pre-transition and didn't know better. Taking estrogen helped clarify the necessity of HRT, which I did not believe in before then. Before I would have thought of estrogen just as a means to an end, something you do to look like a woman so you can live as one socially, not realizing estrogen is an essential hormone to make your body work correctly when you are a woman and that the wrong sex hormones can wreck havoc.
It took me embarrassingly long to realize that if I'm seriously contemplating suicide, I should not be worrying too much about HRT what-ifs and fears I had. I eventually told myself that even if I opted to stop later, it'd be a good idea to start just to reduce my suicide risk.
When the other option is likely death, you really don't have anything to lose by trying.
this exactly, I look back and wonder why I waited for three months, I should have started DIY as soon as possible while waiting for my endo visit, or at least gone to a Planned Parenthood if they could work me in sooner. I was reckless with my life, but I guess I was used to being reckless that way in the past. I also just didn't take seriously the suicide risk, and it was only after HRT that I realized that was unreasonable. I was too accustomed to life that way, I didn't know it could be any different.
That's a goal for one of these days! Not yet though 😅 too much crazy shit going on and I don't feel secure enough to start transitioning where I am now.
I get that, and you have to make your own choices about that, but estrogen can be supportive without necessarily forcing you to socially transition, there are many people who take estrogen but are in the closet still. Depending on how you dress, speak, and interact, you probably can pass as a male for longer than you think.
It depends on a lot of things how soon you will start to appear as a woman to people. If you have short hair and not a lot of body fat I think it would be easier, since it's hard to grow breasts without much fat. If you are heavier you are more likely get more breast growth and it might be harder to hide that without a binder, but even that can be managed. If you have facial hair or heavy beard shadow, that heavily skews perception towards male.
You might look back and think waiting for security in your life before starting estrogen was a mistake, especially if estrogen is necessary for your brain to work well like it is for me. Even without that reason, your body will undergo further androgenization, which for me increased significantly in my 20s.
Just worth thinking it through. If you have to keep it secret from family or people you live with, you could always take the DIY route to avoid the paper trail that visiting a doctor causes.
Just don't underestimate how important estrogen is, I did and I regret it deeply - I would do anything to go back in time and start as early as I could.
Eyeliner pencil.
Or pick and choose from this very absolute-beginner friendly make-up video
The euphoria I got from my first application of foundation, eyeliner, and blush was marvelous.
Second suggestion: jewelry. A cute bracelet, subtle necklace.
If you haven't gotten your ears pierced and want to, go to a piercing studio. If you have them pierced, dangly earrings!
Skin care routine! Cleaning and moisturizing your face every night is very femme.
Get your nails done. If you have a friend who can do it, do that. Or go to a nail salon, a basic polish will only be 20-40 bucks and you get to choose from hundreds of colours. Start with just your toes if you aren't comfortable.
Pluck your eyebrows. You just need an eyebrow tweezer. Makes you look cleaner even if you're still largely presenting masc.
Wear women's underwear, boyshorts are a nice option if you're not ready for a bikini cut.
Start getting rid of extra boy clothes that you don't foresee yourself wearing in the future. It can help relieve a burden you didn't even know was there.
Sorry, I'm 3 months in and these are some of the things that I've done. I'm full time, out at work and with family -- I moved quickly I guess.
I honestly would love to have my nails done, but money is tight and free time is hard to come by. I have been working on a skin care routine, and now that you mention it, doing that after a shower wearing femme clothes feels amazing!
Damn you're moving fast! I'm 18+ months in and only moved a little! I'm only really out with my partner.
We all move at our own pace and there are good reasons!
I'd ask any femme friends if they would come over and do your nails. It takes about an hour. You don't even need to mention gender. Base coat, color, then top coat.
and it's also not hard to pick up a polish at the store, watch youtube videos, and do it yourself - though being short on time would be the bigger constraint in that case.
In addition to the other comments, how about some nice-smelling body care products? Hair milk, lip balm, hand cream, deodorant etc. Floral scents make me happy!
Oh, and put on sunscreen every day.
Clothes-wise I am enjoying my long cardigan, a wearable blanket and a pair of knitted room shoes.
+1 to sunscreen every day, find a nice cosmetic sunscreen that isn't super greasy, most of the good ones are non-U.S. sunscreens (many from Japan and Korea), some of them also work as a makeup primer
here are some recommendations from Lab Muffin (a PhD in cosmetic chemistry turned science educator): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5p72V3Jrg8
I do have some leave in conditioner that smells nice! I also have some old spice deodorant with a sort of tropical scent I like, and I've always thought it could potentially seem feminine or not. I just don't know what other scents to look for without being explicitly one or the other and either draw too much attention or not be femme enough 😅
Native has a mens line of body wash and deoderant that blurs the line between traditionally masculine and feminine scents. I get their mens and womens stuff fairly interchangeably.
Tbh its hard to tell the difference between their gendered products and no one would bat an eye at the packaging or if asking about the scent since they dont gender the packaging much, if at all, if plausible deniability is important to someone given circumstances.
Good to know! Thanks!
Funny thing -- I was paranoid about drawing attention, but in my experience so far very few people notice anything out of the ordinary, and even fewer care. Absolutely nobody has said "you smell like a girl".
You can get away with a lot more than you think!
This is very true, I started wearing perfume almost daily for a while now and no one has had anything to say about it beyond "You smell good". Scents aren't really gendered, the bottles just make it seem that way.
Some nice girly socks.
Maybe even get some up to the knee or tighs. You can wear them under other clothes in case you need to go stealthy for once. Plus they keep you warm in cold weather
One of the first things I tried buying myself was thigh high socks 😅 one size definitely does not fit all. I wasn't even particularly large back then, just thicc muscular legs that I didn't think were particularly thick at the time. I know there are places that make them bigger but haven't gotten myself to buy any more 🤷♀️
wearing a bra, even with nothing for it to support was huge for me. love the snug and less exposed feeling i have when im wearing it. sports bras are easy and stealthy
uhm - helluuu!
i wanna kno if u maybe have some ones to recommend >~<
i don't like it when the back is all open but it seems like most sports bras go that route ~
I started out with these: https://a.co/d/aiW60Ry
Then moved to these ones: https://a.co/d/fFftKPP since its easier to stuff socks in them to go stealth a bit more in public lol
I really like the look of the second one
those ones are so adorable and cover a lot, can definitely suggest them personally
I can also recommend a tube bra for the same reason. No cups or pads makes them inconspicuous and really comfortable, but less great if you're getting pokey or sensitive -- fine for lounging around in, though.
I actually have been thinking about like bralettes for a bit but just too afraid to actually do it, you know? Like I feel embarrassed, even though I know there's no reason too, but that's a whole other story.
That's just self-doubt. You have my permission to ignore it and go buy a bra. You deserve it <3
take the leap and go for it! i sent some suggestions in another comment here if you want to take a look. they really are the key to me feeling comfortable in my own body these days, i can't go out without it
Earrings!
There's colored lipbalm with natural colors. You can also get nailpolish. Perhaps get some mascara. You could get leggings or the like, the tighter fit will make you more feminine in presentation from your own point of view, especially with nail polish. Maybe get a glass nail file and start taking care of your nails more. Like I have my file laying around and just use it on a nearly daily basis.