OldEggNewTricks

Oh hello, are you me?

I've been watching Elena Darlingg recently, and got a bad case of "wow, she's amazing. I'm never going to be as much of a woman as her. I'm not really trans anyway..." etc etc.

Mostly I just recognize this as an unhelpful thought pattern and go do something else for a while (and cuddle Blåhaj). Objectively, I know that these are thoughts that cis women have; it's just imposter syndrome; I should be comparing progress against my past self and so on, but that really doesn't help much when I'm feeling jealous.

Sometimes I do get euphoria though, and while I can't call it up on demand, I do try to remember those times and that I'm doing this to feel good!

Starting HRT made a big difference: I'm in the pipeline now and just sitting around is still working towards my goal. I hope your therapist will get you sorted soon.

<3

You've met me, then :3

Thank you <3

Hehe. I'd figured out that not every guy wanted to be a girl pretty early -- that's probably one of the reasons I was repressing so hard. But when I found out that actual trans people didn't always know, and you could just... be trans if you wanted, that broke my brain :3

I think it's OK to be selfish, so long as that means prioritizing self-interest over that of others, rather than being greedy at others' expense. And transitioning does not cost anybody else anything: you don't owe it to anyone to be anything other than yourself.

After all, nobody is going to look out for your well-being as diligently as you yourself.

BTW, the comic in the fist panel is this one.

Ah, that sounds like a weird translation then. Looking at the manga (I think the line in the anime was similar), Makoto says:

僕は僕のままで生きたい
男の子だけど女の子みたいなものが好きで

That is, "I want to live as me. I'm a boy but I like girly things."

OTOH, as you say the reaction to being perceived as a girl (and trying to pass as one at school) is pretty telling. But egg prime directive, and all that.

Yeah, not talking too much is often a good plan if you want to keep things simple :)

Plus, stuff like nail art of course isn't exclusively feminine. If I go out with (very) light makeup, in women's jeans and painted nails, internally I'll be overflowing with girl stuff euphoria, but to everyone else I'm just some dude. Since my body shape, face and hair aren't remotely feminine (yet!), there's not really much to code "woman". I think I'd have to wear a dress and full-on eyeliner for anyone to notice.

Good advice.

Painting my nails was the first remotely fem-presenting thing I did (other than shaving!). Very few people even noticed. One of the people I work with, after I came out, said I just looked a bit more stylish than usual. The biggest response I got was paying at my local where the owner knows me well -- "oh, you've painted your nails" / "yup". And that was it.

Having said that, I don't have nearly enough courage to go to a salon or anything yet! Let us know how it goes!

Sorry, maybe it was a bit too obscure! It's a meme about feminizing voice training.

First panel is Frieren; she has a fairly deep voice (for anime at least) but obviously feminine. Should be achievable, and I'd be really happy if I could sound anywhere close to that (although maybe a bit less breathy).

Second panel is Makoto from Sempai is an Otokonoko - the scene where he's(*) standing in front of a blackboard after being outed. His voice is quite soft and high, but sounds like a boy (in-universe he can pass) -- which is kind of where I'm at most of the time.

I'm talking about the Japanese voice acting, btw. I assume the dubs use similar voices.

(*) There's apparently some debate over this, but since Makoto rejects wanting to be a girl and explicitly says "I'm a guy", I'm going to assume femboy rather than trans girl.

Oh, and prosody, vocab, going slower, and being more empathetic. Talking like a girl is hard.

A thought I often come back to is that we all (trans or otherwise) have far more in common with our friends and acquaintances now than our past selves of 10, 20 or more years ago. I'm a very different person now than that bitterly unhappy kid facing down year after year of hell at school. But yeah, I didn't suddenly become somebody else when my egg cracked.

On the other hand, throwing away everything I thought I knew about myself was absolutely necessary. Maybe I am trans... maybe I do want to wear women's clothes and makeup... maybe I can wear a dress in public (OK, still working on that one). It kind of feels like (I imagine) winning the lottery: I beat the odds, somehow; I still don't quite believe it; and my life is about to change massively.