Just be really rude, it makes the message clear
this post was submitted on 02 Dec 2024
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You don't owe them anything just because you share blood. That being said.
Without knowing the background: if it was not him you're mad at, he might just want to have contact with his offspring. Nothing inherently bad. So why not? Can't hurt. It's not yes or no forever. Test what he REALLY wants and decide then? At least you can never blame yourself in the future for not trying, if you're inclined to doing these things.
But if there is any toxicity at all, fuck it. Ground rule #1 in life: cut toxic people out. Period. Be it blood or stranger. Doesn't matter. But you already did this long ago, so kudos for that.
Crazy that you say "can't hurt" despite OP explicitly stating that it already hurts even at the place in the decision making that they are currently in.
As the possibility isn't off the table (or else there'd be no post) and considering we know absolutely nothing about the why, it sure can't hurt much more. Or maybe it can and the question was futile. It's just a wild guess based on nearly no info. And as an optimist, i assume the least bad. Working with badly abused people i sure know the other side.
You never asked to be born. Your parents wanted that. You owe blood relatives nothing. Family are the people you love.
Family is who you treat like family.
This is the winner right here. Family is as Family does.
With no context on what caused you to go no-contact, nobody can give you a worth-a-shit answer.
Did he beat you, violently rape you, murder your mother, and rip off your pet birds head and shit in its corpse? You should definitely stay no-contact.
Did they make a mistake that anyone could make and you were just an angsty teenager that overreacted? You should probably talk to them.
Without the context of that interaction, don't take anyone's advice here.
I've been no contact for almost the same amount of time, so I'll tell you how I'd feel in the same boat.
My dad had no backbone to protect me while I was in his house, and he didn't bother trying to stay in my life after I left. He may not have done the abuse, but he definitely allowed it to happen due to inaction. I am always going to miss the parents I thought I had, but it won't add anything positive to my life to have contact again.
He is a stranger in a familiar coat
With absolutely zero context to what caused the rift initially -- I'll just say you only get one shot in this life, it's up to you to make it count. Most people would be heartbroken having zero contact with their children, it's entirely possibly he's decided enough is enough? Ultimately, is reconnecting going to negatively impact your life? If yes, simply ignore the attempt.
Listen to your you.
I went NC with my father when I was 13. About 10 years later we were in the same hospital room as his mom was getting ready to die. Then again a year later when his dad was, I asked the hospice nurse to remove him for my visit.
About 10 years after that I got a call from my step sis that my father was dying and likely wouldn't make it past a couple of days, that now was the time to come make amends.
I am so damn thankfull for that call. I still relish that I had the opportunity to actively say "No." Fuck that guy, worst human I've ever met. My life has been awesome without him.
Maybe cut him some slack? A lot can happen in 20 years.
If OP has made it clear he doesn't want someone around, and they violate it by sharing phone numbers and sending texts and trying to get back in, then the family isn't respecting boundaries and is probably why they got cut off in the first place.
Going no contact is often a last resort after a lifetime of pain. It's nothing something people do casually.
Meh, that is a bit extreme without knowing anything about the history. OP even said they're not really angry with their father. I think it's fair to reach out after over 20 years. If OP still wants no contact, they can communicate this and if their father doesn't respect that, then I'd say you have a valid point.
Going no-contact is an extreme form of self-defense which takes incredible emotional fortitude to uphold, especially at first when your bewildered abuser is trying every trick to get back into your life. It cannot be done casually. It takes lots of time and energy. This means that the person who does it was really, really hurt. And you think it's fair to the abuser to let them reach back out?
Maybe I am too old to put too much value in the lasting decisions of a teenager. You change so damn much over the years and what felt like the worst back then isn't that bad when you look back after 20 years. But my main point is that OP explicitly said they weren't angry with their father, so I don't see it as a bad act when he tries to contact OP again.
Have you ever been abused by a parent?
As a matter of fact, I did go no contact with my parents after I moved out at 19 and minimal contact as I got older. Nowadays, with both of them dead, I see their behavior more nuanced. I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave your own upbringing behind and they both came from families traumatized by war. That's my personal story, of course, and doesn't mean other people should see it the same way. But it's the reason why I think, after 20 years it's no problem to re-evaluate decisions you made as a teenager. If you still feel the same way you did back then, that's fine. But there's no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
But there's no point in leaving relationships behind that could be good for you just because.
Did you go no contact with your parents "Just because" ?
With respect, 16 year old brains are not physically developed enough to make that decision. It’s why we don’t let them vote.
Things may look different today. I stand by my suggestion.
Also with due respect, your opinion is wrong. I work with badly abused people, and those that CAN escape from toxicity at the earliest have it "best". Some could never escape. There are 12yr old who have a forced maturity that you often don't even find in 40+ olds. Which is not really a good thing.
Please, i don't wanna sound condescending or so, but widen your horizon in that regard please.
anyone who's been abused as a teenager could tell your differently. your advice is wrong, sorry.
Yeah the guy isn’t a stranger to L takes. “Maybe cut the guy some slack” pfffft. Abused or neglected at 16? Nah you're too young to know that apparently.
It isn’t really. But you are, of course, entitled to your opinion.
Entitled is an ironic choice of words for someone who's never been abused and says teenage abuse victims aren't "developed enough" to go no-contact with their abuser. Foolish human. If you respond I'll block you instantly without reading it to verify that you've read and understood my comment.
You seem nice.
The person I'm talking to discredits teenage victims of abuse who choose to cut off their abuser by saying that they're not "developed" enough to decide when the abuse stops. And you're offended by what I said? Fuck off.
16 year olds would call getting grounded abuse. But there's not enough info to know whats up in any way.
But you do seem like an absolute asshole, so I'm blocking you. And no I'm not the person you replied to.
There’s (edit:was) enough info in the thread to read between the lines enough to know it wasn’t anything on par with “grounding”. Implying most 16 years old call grounding abuse sure is helpful in a thread like this though. As if someone maintains 20 years NC because of grounding.
Sounds like you’re doing them a favour by blocking them if you think saying the equivalent of “just get over it” is reasonable.
I merely add another such thing that can be interpreted out of nowhere just as they are doing.
No need to read between the lines if you're making assumptions to justify a perspective.
I’m not reading between lines. You’re the one who trivialised the issue by asserting 16 years olds call grounding abuse and did so in the context of this post. As I said before they removed it (due to privacy I suspect) there was enough to know it was nowhere trivial enough to be compared to grounding. Frankly in the OP alone there’s still enough information to draw that conclusion.
If you and @CaptObvious@literature.cafe can’t read through the thread and/or lack experience with childhood abuse probably best not weigh in on such matters and keep your poorly informed opinions to yourselves.
"Fuck that" is perfectly valid. You don't owe them anything, and I think you should be extremely selfish in deciding whether to talk to them. You went no contact for a good reason.
Is there something you want to hear from them? E.g. "I'm sorry"
What would you want from the relationship?
IF you decide that you want a relationship, having clearly defined reasons for why you're doing it will help in assessing if you're getting what you want from it, and if you should continue the relationship.
YOU call the shots. YOU define the boundaries. There are no wrong answers.
Want to talk to him (and him only) on the phone for 20 minutes, once a year? Perfectly fine.
Happy birthday texts only? Valid.
You like no contact? No problem.
I lost my dad shortly after I got back in contact with him, and not trying to make up with him sooner is one of my greatest regrets. Obviously your situation may be different but it's probably worth giving him a second chance.
"More at the rest of the family"
If you're not mad at him that make that clear.
"Yo I'm NC with the family. Not mad at you and if you can STFU I'm willing to consider a discussion. But I'm doing this for you, not for me. What do you want?"
But now my dad wants to be real chummy and friendy with me? Fuck that, honestly
There's your answer, specially crafted by you, for you.
You can also tell the family that gave out your contact information without permission that since they have no concept of personal boundaries, you will not be taking any calls or visits from them, if you wish.
A lot of people get increasingly sentimental as they get older and the guy’s your dad. You don’t owe him anything and don’t have to engage at all, but he’d likely be grateful for even a surface level relationship with his estranged kid if you’re at all interested.
When I split from my ex, who had become abusive, my second to oldest daughter said she wouldn't even go to his funeral if he died.
It's been ten years, and in the intervening time, he's quit drinking and become more reasonable, and she will talk to him occasionally.
So my question is, do you have reason to think he's changed? If not, I'd say change your phone number or block him. But people can change. If you think he's changed, then yes it might be good for both of you.
You might check around, see if anyone around him can vouch for him making major life changes.
It's really hard to know what to do. Both a changed dad who hopes to start new and an unchanged man who is just waiting for a chance to re-traumatize you would say similar things and be very friendly at first.
NC at 16 was rough probably.
One the one hand, you spent more time living apart or on your own than in contact with him, on the other hand, youth can be more impactful - so depending on your skills of emotion, trauma, processing etc. this can be good or difficult.
However you decide, you are somewhat strangers to each other now.
Do you think you and him could compartmentalise your relation and family?
Well, think it over another time. I have no idea the circumstances that caused you to cut your family off so it depends. What would it take for you to see eye-to-eye with any particular family member once more? What would have to change from the other annoying members of your family before you even hear anything from them?
If you are willing, first see your father one-on-one, set your boundaries clearly and think about them beforehand, what you would be willing to be guilt-tripped into and what you are not, what behaviour is acceptable and what is not. You can keep it just to yourself and your father, and if any others come uninvited or crossed you again in ways you have directly clearly communicated you don't appreciate, then you can block them.
When you miss someone, you will definitely get a chance to reconnect except if his/her is Dead
"No contact" means "I'm choosing not to have them in my life anymore"