underreacting

Sure, but I was also an alcoholic. Very high functioning, but still at the end 100% dependant on it.

The slope is so treacherously flat, you don't feel yourself slipping. I still have no idea how I ended up where I did, or for that matter how I ended up actually managing to quit.

I'm sure some people can use liquid courage without it turning into depending on it to do the hard things, then more and more things turning hard and needing a boost to do it, or can wash away work with a drink at the end of the week, without having to wash it away at the end of every day, and then having a quick rinse-and-reset at lunch, and so on... But it's impossible to know which one you are until it's too late.

It's crazy how people hold children to far higher standards than they hold themselves or other adults.

No adult would be happy with the conditions we put on children and their lack of autonomy, and on top of everything we expect them to be in a perfectly pleasant mood all the time?? Everyone has feelings. It's not a bad thing to let people around you know you have them, it means you're human - but your feelings should not run you, and should not be a reason to hurt or scare or threaten or destroy yourself, others or things.

There is plenty of overlap in symptoms and issues for a lot of diagnoses, like adhd/autism or borderline/adhd or borderline/ptsd or ocd/ptsd or hyperhidrosis and all of the above...

That's why it's important to not only find one that fits, but rule out the other ones as well, to make sure there isn't one that fits even better. And it gets even more complex with the possibility of having multiple diagnoses, and it becoming more complex the longer the person has gone undiagnosed and with atypical symptoms due to learned masking behaviours or self medication, or gotten secondary issues like anxiety due to the undiagnosed ones.

I went through a plethora of wrongful diagnoses before I got the one that actually suits me, and where the treatment is helping instead of harming. It can take time to figure yourself out... but it's a really interesting journey!

I go to dental hygienists instead. It's not a perfect replacement, but it's a necessary step in my dental journey.

The ones I've had have been a lot more... nuanced, in their approach. I tell mine upfront that I have ADHD and it makes it incredibly hard to build and follow a routine, and that is what I need help and compassion around.

If one then reacts judgingly or without understanding I would probably find a different one for the next appointment, but so far I've been lucky.

The first times I went they used numbing salve to make is less painful to get the numbing syringe, and they only cleaned a quarter of my mouth each time.

Every time we go over what I've managed to do with praise, and what I've struggled with without judgement. We do a cleaning (full mouth, unless I have a really bad day, and no numbing necessary anymore!), then together figure out what I can do on the things I struggle with, or if it's better to focus on keeping routine and doing the easier parts until next time.

They have demonstrated and had me demonstrate brushing and flossing techniques several times, given me extra soft brushes with extra tiny heads to make it easier to navigate without slamming into other mouth structures when I get inattentive or impatient, and picked out four different options for toothpaste for my teeths needs.

It's been incredibly helpful to get my teeth healthier. And it makes it easier to visit the dentist knowing that I don't have to do it a lot and that I have other dental professionals in my corner. It also helps me communicate clearly to the dentist when something hurts too much and that they don't need to lecture me because I am already working with a hygienist on my habits thankyouverymuch.

Can't recommend it enough. Provided you are upfront with your issues and they are accepting of them.

If I sit still I get way more sensitive to temperature than if I move around. Like lying under a warm duvet, it's almost impossible to remove it. But get up and do some frog leaps and burpees and you'll soon want to throw off that duvet and change your situation.

Same with shivering in a cold wet towel, being cold isn't enough to get me to get dressed if I'm sitting down. But doing some squats or hip raises to raise my body temperature and suddenly I'm able to move around and get shit done again.

My brain is motion powered. I need to move to function.

Find some movement you can do in bed (hip raises, crunches, pushups) that get you warm enough to get out of bed. Maybe it helps!

I'm not from an English-speaking country and I still use this every time I pick up a screwdriver.

For know which is left and right I switch to my own language to say "right says Hi, left says Bye" with a mental or physical mime of shaking someone hand and then waving goodbye with the other. It originally has alliteration, but kinda works translated as well.

I was old enough to "know better".

This really grind my gears. Children aren't crazy. Even if a child is old enough to know better, you clearly weren't old enough to know how to DO better.

This is something that has to be taught, and you can't teach every child the same way. Siblings have different needs and different challenges from each other, you can point to what works for one sibling and blame the other child because the same method doesn't work for them. It's tye adults job to figure out how to train and teach each child in a a way that they can grasp. Set easy challenges and guide them to succeed each one. Set them up for success, not demand the impossible.

Now as an adult, this is something you have to teach yourself and your inner child, since the previous adults in your life didn't manage to do so.

If you want a diagnosis and think it could help, ask about ADHD and borderline and other personality disorders. And if you have researched thoroughly (not just social media) and feel like a diagnosis fits you even when a doctor has written it off, get a second opinion. Doctors make mistakes, especially with adult patients who may present atypically and have therefore gone undiagnosed their whole life.

Regardless of a diagnosis, this is your responsibility to manage. You can look into different therapies even without a diagnosis; anger management and DBT springs to mind. Practice mindfulness/meditation every day, work out at least three days a week. Pay attention to your emotional state, remove yourself from situations before you explode. Talk to people after to explain why you removed yourself and to clear the air and be honest about your feelings and about what you felt was unfair. Try to be open to their side and accept a little unfairness even if people are trying their best, because life is unfair and it probably evens out in the end.

Figure out if certain situations/stimulations make you more easily irritated (for me it's eating poorly, lack of water, having socks, watch, and bra on for too long, and hair in my face or in too tight ponytail, or being uncomfortably warm for no reason like not while exercising or outside in summer or by a fire, generally in the evening, or drinking with certain people).

Figure out what you need to reset after becoming overstimulated by such irritants (for me it's depending on what I can do and what type of overstimulated I am, but around 10 minutes in a quiet room with my eyes closed, laying down with legs raised on a pillow or against a wall, or running/hastily walking up and down a set of stairs for a few minutes, or wiping my face+neck+chest+arms with cold water on a towel, or digging my fingers straight into the earth and looking at the bugs and mosses and plants living there and getting dirt under my nails).

Write stuff, in general. Keep a notepad nearby and write down what you want to say and how you want to respond (what would be your ideal response, not your emotional reaction) when something triggers you, so you know you have options and can bring it up later when you've calmed down. Then do bring it up again. Don't be afraid of conflict when you are calm, that way your rage becomes your only outlet for conflict handling. If you practice standing up for yourself and other in a mature way, you don't need the emotional state to "defend" you.

I dunno, there are as many tools and methods as there are people. By figuring yourself out you can figure out whatever works for you. It's trial and error. A therapist can help with suggestions if you get stuck, and working more structured towards your goals, but you need to do the work and the figuring out and the trialing, and you can start doing it today on your own.

Grandparents and aunts/uncles have for generations upheld the time-honoured tradition of sending money and a card. Bank-transfer and a card should be just as good imo. Maybe they can agree to that.

If they're willing to give gift cards, and you can find a bank that lets you open multiple free accounts for one user, you could name the accounts "new deck for summer get-togethers" and "heater to cosy up inside during winter" and such, and give a list with all the accounts info when people ask for your wish-list.

People would still gift you partial payments, as with gift cards, but would gift towards an item/project rather than lock you into a specific store.

I imagine spicy or sour berry-based sauces could go really well with things from salads to BBQ.

I like berries, especially frozen, in my water or lemonade.

Let neighbourhood kids know they're welcome to eat from your garden, and you can teach them to weed while you help them pick.

Their choices are not your responsibility.

Their choices are not dependent on your choices.

You choose your own actions. You don't control theirs.

Fear is just a feeling, don't let it control you or stop you. Face it. Deal with it. Don't listen to it.

Mine tells me I'm asleep when I'm wide awake reading or watching movies. I wouldn't trust it too much.

If you have kids and your relationship doesn't survive, will you both be able to coparent efficiently and amicably? Will you be able to be a present parent without your wife (emotionally available, not just filling their physical needs)? Will you be prepared to be a solo parent every other week?

A lot of people can manage way more than they think they can. I always feel on the verge of a mental and physical breakdown, and then life gets harder and I still feel the same way...and then life gets easier and I still feel the same way. So don't let fear hold you back if this is what you want. But also don't do it unless you actually want to. And definitely don't do it while in a rocky relationship as it is.

I am voluntarily child free. I love kids and think they deserve way more than I'm able to give full time. I've found other ways to be present and make a positive impact on children's lives: I've been watching friends babies (in their home and around their neighborhood) for a few hours a day for the first bunch of months. I've helped kids do homework every day after school when they've struggled with a subject. I've held recurring after-school activities for all the neighbours kids (stuff like LAN/gaming, or scrapbooking, or play football/soccer). If you dare to butt in you can find plenty of opportunities to interact as an adult with kids without having your own... being the village etc.

I'd absolutely recommend you both try spending more time with kids as a responsible adult (not just the fun auntie, and not just with babies). Volunteer at a library for after-school activities. Contact the local scouts or little league sports. Get to know neighbours. Get involved with friends and family. Consider registering as a support family (not fostering full time but being a reliable presence for the kids), if you have something similar.

It might show you something about yourselves, (maybe it actually invigorates you or maybe she doesn't really enjoy interacting with kids outside the baby phase), but most of all try to just be a stable and supportive presence and see if that isn't fulfilling enough in it's own way.