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@alyaza@beehaw.org is MIA currently, but this weekly thread has been so awesome to see and keep going; so I am making what would be her typical post for this week. Alyaza; stay safe friend, I hope everything is okay.
Beeple, how's your mid week going so far??
It's pretty bad. I am a freshly graduated programmer, I am pretty confident with my programming skills but I can't find a job for 5 months now. I'am trying to make my communication skills better tho cuz English is not my first language but yeah.
Edit: just got an invitation for a job interview wish me luck!!!
Same boat here, haha. My spouse is a senior dev and mentors me when needed but even that isn't helping. I'm just working voluntarily for someone that was my instructor but I am pretty much refactoring the code most of the time, lol.
Good luck with the interview!
Even if you aren't going to work there for whatever reason, the first interview is normally what sets things in motion and makes other opportunities start popping up all around you.
I have no idea why it's this way, but it's my personal observation and what most people I know tell me, so based on lots of anecdotal evidence.
One of my loved ones is in hospital (in another town) so I'm really hoping they are okay.
I still feel really shy about posting here, but I'm trying to be more myself on the internet lately. Or in general.
My prayers and sympathy. I also hope your loved one gets better soon and has a good prognosis.
Thank you! And thanks for starting the thread I like these, though I mostly lurk.
Been pretty chill so far!
Playing some baldurs gate 3 and studying for the az-305 test. Looks like the role based tests are going to be open book with access to Microsoft Learn soon.
My girlfriend moved in after a year and a half as well, got lots of organizing and remembering how to live when it’s not just you in the house again. Been almost 3 years since I’ve had someone else around haha. Going wonderfully so far!
That's so cool! It's so enjoyable to learn that side of someone you love as well, all the little things you only know about someone if you live with them.
Not super great. I had a planned surgery this Tuesday that the anesthesiologists cancelled last minute because I had some mild symptoms they weren't comfortable with. Given that this surgery involves two surgeons and a robot it may be some time before it gets rescheduled but I'm currently left in the dark- both of the surgeons regular schedulers are off so they're trying to find someone else to figure it out and they need to use OR time for the other surgeon because the main surgeon is booked into December. I'm a bit worried it's gonna be a rather long wait but I won't know for a bit- they asked to give them until next Monday to sort out a schedule 😔
So I'm gonna need to figure out support again whenever they decide to book me, and probably will need to go back to work for an unknown period of time 🫠
That must be incredibly frustrating, but it's also good to see the anaesthetists take their job so seriously. Hope you don't have to wait too long
Yeah honestly a lot of feelings I'm dealing with right now but frustration is one of the top ones. I wish I could cry about it but that's just not in the cards right now
On one hand? I've posted a ton of memes that seem to make people happy.
On the other hand? I am desperately alone and failing at everything and can't make myself happy. Can't provide for myself. Can't even sleep.
I'm not doing okay and I don't even have friends to talk to. Things are rough and I'm afraid.
It's often hard to be married to someone with PTSD. I haven't had a very good week. In fact, I've not had a very good year. My nephew committed suicide, my parents aren't doing so well, and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I listen, but I don't really talk. And when I do speak, I feel like people don't understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I'm playing the victim, so I try to keep a cheerful exterior.
The best things I have are: My discord buddies (really the closest friends I've got, which I know is pathetic), and I actually like my job and see what we do as praxis (though it's been harder and harder not to feel like I'm just doing zombie mode).
There's just a deep and profound sadness inside me, and my emotions are so raw that I just curl up like an armadillo.
The only moments I feel alive are when I'm on my longboard or bicycle. I keep thinking I should try to become closer friends with my longboarding pal because otherwise we probably won't talk much in winter. I also reconnected with a friend who I used to be very close friends with back in high school, so I should work on that friendship, too.
just saying, you should definitely invest in therapy if you can afford to and you do not already. it sounds like you're dealing with some difficult relationship mechanics on top of having a rough year in general.
I feel like I have no one to talk to. I listen, but I don’t really talk. And when I do speak, I feel like people don’t understand me. If I show even the slightest vulnerability, I get told I’m playing the victim, so I try to keep a cheerful exterior.
Not exactly the same thing, but when my partner was laid up from a broken leg, I was their primary caretaker and i ran into something similar. I felt very deeply that I was going through a difficult struggle as their caretaker, what with juggling all of the added responsibility with my job and everything. My partner is the person i would usually talk to about this kind of feeling, but anytime I brough it up, they would shut me down, saying that they didn't want to hear how hard i had it while they were also suffering from their painful fracture. My thinking was that we could share our struggles with each other, and that would be healthy, but my partner disagreed, saying that hearing my struggles made them feel bad. When I talked to my therapist about this, she agreed with my perspective, stating that providing emotional support was the least my partner could do. Hearing that from an outside perspective really helped me get through that time.
I'm sorry you're going through it, bud. I hope those new friendships you've been cultivating pan out ❤
Than you for the thoughtful response. It's encouraging to know that someone understands a bit what this is like.
I agree with the therapy idea. It's hard to pick up the phone. I feel like they bombard me with questions I can't answer the moment I call, but I need to get past that discomfort and try. I feel like I've had a really hard time finding a good therapist. I had one for a short amount of time, but she moved away from my state which, I don't blame her.
It's also scary how much money it can cost, but it's my life. I've got to do it.
It’s hard to pick up the phone. I feel like they bombard me with questions I can’t answer the moment I call, but I need to get past that discomfort and try. I feel like I’ve had a really hard time finding a good therapist.
I hear you! I've been without a therapist for like a year now. I keep meaning to work on finding a new one, but it's hard. Therapy is kind of incompatible with our stupid capitalist healthcare system. Until you find a therapist, you have to treat it like you're shopping around for a new car or something. And of course, adopting and holding that mindset requires executive function, which is the very thing you need therapy to help you improve on. It's a catch-22 😩
The money part is real. With my insurance I was able to get $40 a session, but i'm extremely fortunate to have better employer-based insurance than most folks. And even at $40 a session, there are days where you question if you got your $40 worth.
My brother got COVID, and he infected me as well. Tuesday was a bit shit during the evening, Wednesday was totally shit, the whole day, and today it seems better, but it's still shit nonetheless.
Could be worthwhile giving @alyaza@beehaw.org a call if you know her in real life.. It is a bit of a worry honestly based on her last post she hasn't dropped by in 10 days (especially considering her last weekly update).
I’m going through a rough patch with my partner. I’m feeling really guilty about it, but they need time.
Rough patches are rough but it sounds like you are giving them the space they need. Hope it works out soon!
Worsening 📉
Last week I got my trauma appointment, fast tracked from next year, which was a nice surprise, and the doctor, nurses and staff turned out to be really nice and helpful, more than usual 😀. This week it turned out they've also fast tracked another appointment for a test, called me Monday to go right on Tuesday 😯... which turned out to basically confirm that my left leg is partly MIA, while the right is only slightly better 🤦. The next day I got a notification of another fast tracked appointment, for rehabilitation... and noticed that they've switched it form "normal" to, not just "priority", but "urgent"... which explains the whole fast tracking, and now got me really worried 😟.
I can still walk around, but ever so slower, have to take a seat every few minutes, if I walk for too long I start falling over, can't stay seated for too long without my back killing me, even on painkillers, and my left arm full on wakes me up at night when they wear off. Work is off the table, can barely do anything around the house, going to the nearest pharmacy requires "going uphill both ways" (literally), can't start tackling the other problems like debt, inheritance (more debt, plus taxes, plus family drama), can't really make any plans for the future, and next week I might end up home alone (with cats) without anyone to lend a hand.
On the "bright" side, the brain fog I've had for about a year after last time I got COVID, seems to be slowly lifting, which makes me see everything more clearly... or how many fires I've got to put off 🔥😰🔥
Well...the good news is I submitted my letter of resignation for my job, which I am thrilled about. I'll have better pay and flexibility and work for a company that has more than adequate staffing and support.
The bad news is my boss is trying to do EVERYTHING she can to get me not to leave. I told her no 6 different ways to no avail. She doesn't respect boundaries. My supervisor that left a year and a half ago said it took her three times to leave. I had a meeting with boss yesterday and felt so manipulated it was disgusting. I also have to give a month's notice so it's going to be a long 3 weeks. I'm hoping that once I sign a contract at my new job (hopefully tomorrow), that will get my boss to let it go.
The key is to let them know that you don't give a damn about them anymore.
I’m on vacation in Taiwan and I love it. However I have been having a bit of an existential crisis since I got here. I won’t get into the weeds if it here but I might make some big changes when I get home to improve my mental and physical health.
I think I’ve put off a lot of self care for too long and I think if I don’t change now I might live a very short and miserable life.
Not horrible, in general. The saga of the CPAP continues. Some nights I sleep well, some nights I don't. I suppose I'm sort of getting used to it? Last night was not good so that's colouring everything.
I saw a doctor who agreed to start me on post-menopausal HRT, as I have a family history of severe osteoporosis. I can think of about fifty other reasons I want to be on HRT, so I'm delighted.
My adult son and I made up from the huge fight we had last week, and I was able to come out of my room. The gist of the fight is that I need my adult kids to adult more than they do. I'm tired of managing the household. I know that in our location neither kid has the option of moving out (there's a severe housing crisis and even if you find a place, rents are crazy expensive). I can live with that, but I can't live with them doing nothing and leaving all the household chores to me like I'm the maid.
Apologized to a new friend over email, and as soon as I saw she wanted to call in her reply I got her on the phone and we talked things through.
Also I broke a nail and now my thumb looks like a baby's thumb and it creeps me out.
It's really nice to have friends who are willing to talk things through. So many problems can be overcome by good communication.
I've realized not so long ago how absolutely terrible I am at communication. It's like when you reach a new level in a skill and suddenly you see how much you didn't know that you don't know.
Talked with a bunch of current and ex-coworkers about what a shit storm the workplace is. I don't know that I'll ever have enough motivation to leave.
Damn, I've been struggling this week with whether I should leave my PhD program with a master's or keep toughing it out, and this really hit home for me.
That's a real mood, yeah.
I just recently decided to stick with mine. I was having a lot of doubts: feeling like I wasn't making and progress, like I wouldn't actually be able to finish the projects I started, impostor syndrome shit, etc. I'm happy I decided to stick with it. I just cleared some big milestones and I'm in the middle of a nice long vacation now, and I'm feeling excited again about my work.
On the other side of things, I've got a friend who decided to leave his PhD program with a masters a few years ago. He's now heading up product development for a robotics startup, doing quite well for himself.
I don't think there're any wrong answers here. Do what will make you happiest. Maybe you just need a vacation, maybe you're ready to move on. And remember that education is never wasted: even if you decide not to finish out the PhD, you've still learned a lot and that's valuable with or without the piece of paper and title.
Best wishes, friend, whichever way you decide to go ♥
Hey, just want to start off by saying doing a PhD is the real accomplishment, not the title you get for finishing it.
That said, I relate!
I had to quit my PhD project after 1.5 years because of disagreements with my supervisors and yeah it hurt like hell. It was not my choice to quit but I was the one who decided to walk away from it in the end (as to avoid months of fighting my supervisors and struggling for 2.5 more years with mutual trust completely gone).
I made that decision in February and I've been feeling so much better since. I barely realised how deep of a hole I was in, or more like a vortex that keeps pulling you down. Don't get me wrong, I loved my project (automatic speech recognition to spot oral reading errors) and did not regret putting my heart and soul into it. What I'm saying is that a PhD is so intense it'll suck you in so deep you won't even notice how much it controls your mind until you step out of it.
I basically cried for 2 days from just sheer grief of having to let this project (and the dream of a PhD) go. But damn if it wasn't cathartic as hell.
I won't assume you're having the same experience I did but I can imagine you're currently afraid of career perspectives in case you quit. Let me tell you: there's a big world out there outside of academia and very few of them care if you have degrees upwards of a master's. Prospective employers will understand that you're intelligent regardless, and there's much more to gain developing soft/transferable skills.
Anyway I wish you the best, not trying to encourage you to quit but please realise there are other career paths and well and quitting a PhD does not equal failure or giving up! It can be a healthy choice.
Not too bad, actually!
It's been a while since I've last said that, and I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I should appreciate the seemingly insignificant things more.
It's summer here, and the sun has shown no mercy for a week now, but we've got A/C in the bedroom and living room so we can actually (mostly) enjoy the hot weather.
I've built a PC from spare parts and set it up in the shade next to the pool. This has been my office this week. I can watch the dogs wander around and sniff things and spend the work breaks scuba diving to depths of up to 150cm (5 feet).
Yesterday it dawned on me that this is probably as close as most people I know will ever get to "living the dream". It's awesome. And I'm feeling a bit guilty for having "made it" when so many of my friends haven't (yet).
Has this really happened to me, of all people?
I've made a breakthrough at work to automate one piece of particularly stupid and repetitive work, and I can't wait to get it through testing and discuss it with the person having to do that work.
The teenage kids have been mostly content and busy, so no unnecessary drama for a while. This alone is a massive improvement of our quality of life.
Now all SO and me need to do is find ways to better defend our free time against work and the kids, and we're pretty much exactly where we've always wanted to be.
Oh, and sleep better.
I recently recieved a bit of offhand news that has made me a lot more relaxed about an important meeting I have at the end of September.
I was speaking with a person I used to work with about a trip he and his fiancé took recently when he caually mentioned out of nowhere that the HR manager at work retired at the end of July. That random little fact sent my mind into a whirlwind for a couple days.
Just over a year ago I had been terminated from my job as an apprentice at a place that builds automation assembly lines. That termination came after I had brought up concerns and frustrations with how the company had begun treating people after covid arrived. I also brought up concerns about workplace culture and how toxic it had become.
I had been terminated approximately 10 months after the monthly employee meeting where I first confronted the GM (General Manager) about how apprentices were being treated poorly and not learning the proper skills. This is important because once people start retiring, there is going to be a huge skill and knowledge gap.
After that monthly meeting, I had a meeting with the fairness committee followed by a meeting with the HR manager with the fairness committee member on "my side." That second meeting was basically me getting belittled and blamed for 3.5 hours.
Unhappy with the results and dealing with my declining mental health, I reached out to the corporate HR manager about the abusive management at my company and this manager made a huge effort to help me. She taught me all my rights as an employee, encouraged me to get help through the corporate employee hotline and when that failed, set up a meeting with me and her boss while beginning an investigation into the abusive environment at my company. Unfortunately before that meeting, my company terminated my employment.
I retained a lawyer and after about a year of some back and forth (things got delayed significantly because my lawyer got covid) I finally submitted my wrongful termination case against my company to the labour board. Up until this point I felt so uncertain and stressed about everything and was really doubting my decisions.
About a month after my submission to the labour board, my company replied back with 16 pages trying to have my case thrown out and attacking my character. They also responded through an outside law firm and not the corporate in-house lawyers. About 1.5 months after my submission, the HR manager retires. I found out she was scheduled to retire in 2024.
Suddenly my mediation meeting with the labour board and my company doesn't seem so intimidating. Corporate refused to legally support my company and the HR manager retires early and is now back home in Central America. A key figure in all of this who conveniently will not be able to attend the labour board meeting.
I have no idea if those two things are related to my case and I may never truly know but it sure is convinient for me. I did leave that company in good standing with corporate so I'm left to believe that corporate has been taking serious action with my company. Action that may have also included updating workflow, security and logistics (costing the GM and management huge money), and cracking down on workplace safety issues (costing the GM and management even more money).
After covid arrived, my dislike of corporations only grew but I think it's pretty humorous to watch corporate turn it's back on my company. It's beautiful in it's own bureaucratic-hellscape kind of way.
My goal at the labour board meeting is going to get my job back and hopefully getting a public apology at the monthly employee meeting while sending a problematic manager to a training course regarding abusive behaviour. After being forced to confront my own mortality through their abusive and negligent behaviour, money means nothing to me. No amount will bring back the dignity this place took from me and the others who work there. I'm hoping my actions are able to throw some power back into the hands of the employees and other workers there as well as bring more awareness to mental health issues.
And to think, I probably wouldn't have gone down this path if it weren't for the head fairness committee member telling me that I should just suck it up. That I should just wait for all these problematic people to retire. He told me I couldn't change anything. His attempt to de-escalate the situation by demotivating me may have backfired slightly.
Work is going crazy because 1 project got behind schedule and then another project got behind schedule as a consequence of the first project going off. Waterfall workflows, man.
But it's looking ok. As long as I keep lifting afterwork and vibing out when I'm too tired, I think I'll be ok lol
Thank goodness for flex hours and wfh though. I don't know how I'd survive without being able to take a massive break away from it when it gets to be too much
A bit stressful, but I'm doing okay. I'm in the middle of moving right now. Got all my stuff out so now I'm just cleaning. I've got until September 1st so I feel like I'm in a good place!
i love getting a full month to move. absolutely the way to go if u can afford it.
I haven't eaten in 2 days because of having my wisdom teeth out.
And I bought some red scrubs to use as pajamas; they're incredibly comfy.
It's been alright I guess. Though, I started catsitting for my old housemate today and she's been overfeeding them to a crazy degree. I basically raised one of the cats, so it's pretty upsetting.
So many of you are going through difficult times that it's a little hard to say: my week is going awesome.
I'm back at work, which is great because I love teaching.
We've almost finished the work on our house that we'd planned to do this summer.
And today I visited a gay sauna for the second time, starting to explore my bisexuality with my (straight) significant other's blessings.
Sallie Mae has been calling me every morning at 8:15 and every afternoon around 2:00. I would be having a better week if they didn't harass me every single day (and yes it is every single day).
It's been a good but intense week so far. Back to work with a 3 day intensive python course, which was interesting (and a long time coming, I have asked for training for 3 years now). Looking forward to putting it into use now I understand the basics.
Otherwise not a lot to write home about. Looking into new choirs prior to the new term starting, in one already but quit the second one I was in as the music wasn't to my taste.
Average week except for blood test results. The doc said I start taking care of my health now, or risk heart attack at 40 among other health complications. I need to do some more tests and see other specialities... start taking caring of stuff I haven't for years.
I really need to move my ass. Both figuratively and literally.
So I have this and next week last shifts and my mood can be expressed by this song.
Next month I will start in small brewery (3 people) and I hope that it will be much better job than that I am leaving.
Pretty decent, finally started my ADHD medication so I'm mostly waiting for that to start taking effect, it'll probably take a good month or so which sucks because I am so fucking tired of waiting but I don't have much other option.