Make every car moan when you start it
this post was submitted on 27 Sep 2023
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Have penis make very loud air raid siren alarm when slightly hard
Final wish: You can never leave the lamp again.
First wish: all humans turn blue for 24 hours after masturbating
Second wish: reverse all human digestive tracts so food goes into anus and excretion comes out of mouth, trump style
Third wish: reproductive organs are all non functional for reproduction specifically and humans mate by doing The Polka for 6 consecutive hours.
Love, Satan
Third kind of makes the first one pointless. Unless that is, you consider doing the Polka by yourself masturbation.
You still feel horny urges, but baby can only be created via intense accordion action. It'd be a real blessing, the most effective form of contraceptive available.
"Blessing". Weird Al would have his hands full pretty quickly.
Notice how I said reproduction specifically. You could still pleasure yourself. and yes solo polka would also count as masturbation
Do you masturbate to reproduce?
Shit damn. I can't masturbate OR polka without turning blue? That really is diabolical.
Funnily enough, the third wish is actually one of the most positive things that can happen here.
Now people will fuck each other all day without having to worry about getting pregnant. No pills, no implants, no hormone. It's just good ol' pleasure now.
I'm blue, da ba dee da ba di
Final wish: Increase childhood cancer by 500%.
You sick fuck.
Take your up arrow.
Climate change solved?
Final wish, multiply every bank balance by 0.5
Would this one unintentionally help reduce wealth disparity?
By a lot! It would also cut every overdrawn bank account by half :)
Unfortunately it's just "bank balance", so actual debts outside of that wouldn't be touched.
It would get worse. Cash reserves are for working class people; the rich mostly hold stocks which appreciate over time.
To the power of 0.5 would be better
So my bank balance can go from -£1 to £i - wow, thanks
Money is imaginary
It's a bit more complex than that.
Yeah this
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Divide every bank balance by zero
That's just a fancy way of saying "cut in half".
XKCD 2741 Alt Text: "I wish for everything in the world. All the people, money, trees, etc." "Are you SURE you--" "And I want you to put it in my house."
Third wish: raise avg world temp by 5C.
How do we know that's not what happened to Trump?
He would have lost focus babbling halfway through his first wish and never reached a coherent request.
Give everyone tastebuds in their anus.
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Of course I know the taste buds in my colon (TBIMC) can never be cured, but my doctor told me that with proper diet and excercise and Poisantin, my TBIMC could be monitored, putting me in control of the size and sensitivity of the taste buds in my colon.
Accelerationism intensifies.
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