this post was submitted on 26 Sep 2023

1021 points (97.8% liked)

The Onion

4254 readers

285 users here now

The Onion

A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.

Great Satire Writing:

founded 2 years ago

MODERATORS

seahorse@midwest.social

pbrisgreat@midwest.social

1021

Lauren Boebert Offers To Personally Jerk Off Any Constituents She Offended (www.theonion.com)

submitted 11 months ago by nkat2112@sh.itjust.works to c/theonion@midwest.social

115 comments fedilink hide all child comments

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

top 50 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] SmoothLiquidation@lemmy.world 209 points 11 months ago (3 children)

At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.

That is an amazing ending.

[–] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 37 points 11 months ago

"This isn't trashy enough to be a story about her."

gets to end

"There we go."

[–] b_crussin@programming.dev 23 points 11 months ago

For real. That did it for me 😂

[–] TheJims@lemmy.world 12 points 11 months ago (5 children)

Finishing on her tits costs extra

load more comments (5 replies)

[–] Steveanonymous@lemmy.world 92 points 11 months ago (7 children)

Man I hate to even joke about this but

I’m offended

[–] Master@lemm.ee 55 points 11 months ago (3 children)

She has that trashy trailer park look that I am ashamed to say is appealing. But im just so offended by her actions...

[–] mihnt@kbin.social 47 points 11 months ago (5 children)

You mean the 1 really hot chick of the trailer park that made all the other girls look like nothing compared to her, but she was maybe like a 6 in the rest of the world?

[–] Meuzzin@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago (2 children)

If you've ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you'd realize your theory is close than you think. But I'd go 5, not 6...

FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.

load more comments (2 replies)

load more comments (4 replies)

load more comments (2 replies)

[–] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 12 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I'm just upset I don't live in Colorado. She sucks, but I bet she does it good.

[–] Fuzzy_Dunlop@lemm.ee 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The offer was for a handjob, actually.

[–] KingJalopy@lemm.ee 14 points 11 months ago

Meh, well I'll take what I can get.

[–] Hazdaz@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Is this where the line starts?

[–] ASeriesOfPoorChoices@lemmy.world 9 points 11 months ago

For coke and Bojobs!

load more comments (3 replies)

[–] x4740N@lemmy.world 92 points 11 months ago (4 children)

I didn't even realise this was the onion at first, thought it was an actual news article

[–] AFKBRBChocolate@lemmy.world 29 points 11 months ago

The Onion has had to craft wildly ridiculous headlines to differentiate itself from the regular news, and sometimes it still seems questionable.

[–] _thrax@lemmy.world 26 points 11 months ago

They’ve been on fire lately. Got me a few times too lol

[–] PatFussy@lemm.ee 15 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You got onioned

[–] Orbituary@lemmy.world 12 points 11 months ago

"you ate the onion," in the parlance of our times.

[–] asteriskeverything@lemmy.world 14 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (3 children)

Oh SHIT. Me too. I was like damn she is capable of doing something I like?!!? I was so conflicted! Thank goodness lol

(To be clear I'm not horny for her. I shop at a different market)

load more comments (3 replies)

[–] nomecks@lemmy.world 48 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Do you think she could jerk off two people in one motion with one hand, if they were sorted by height accordingly? Can she use both hands?

[–] Fuck_u_spez_@sh.itjust.works 31 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Sorry for the potato quality but I think we've all had more than enough of his face in HD anyway

[–] babatazyah@lemmy.world 16 points 11 months ago (2 children)

The Dick Jerk Theorem finally comes back around

load more comments (2 replies)

[–] Vince@lemmy.world 46 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Probably have to adjust the mean jerk time for her

[–] adhocfungus@midwest.social 16 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Gotta go middle-out. Or line them up tip to tip.

[–] quicksand@lemm.ee 9 points 11 months ago

Just make sure each complementary pair has the same dick to floor distance

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] Anticorp@lemmy.ml 29 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's pretty crazy that I wasn't sure if this was The Onion at first.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] Sterile_Technique@lemmy.world 29 points 11 months ago

I mean, the new job isn't working out; might as well go back to the old one.

[–] GreenMario@lemm.ee 26 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Give me a Bobert in the Expendables 4 theater lol

[–] expatriado@lemmy.world 17 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

i thought turning Lewinsky into a verb was a bit unfair, but with Boebert im all for it

[–] philomory@lemm.ee 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The difference is that she is, herself, a public political figure. Lewinsky was not.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] TheFonz@lemmy.world 19 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Damn y'all is THIRSTY!

[–] tacosplease@lemmy.world 16 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Guilty as charged. She's both terrible, and terribly sexy. I'm ashamed but nonetheless here we are.

[–] FarceMultiplier@lemmy.ca 10 points 11 months ago

I don't see the sexiness. Narrow hips, fake boobs, vacant hateful stare. Her makeup is well done, but she doesn't do it herself.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] yoz@aussie.zone 19 points 11 months ago (5 children)

God she's hot! I am into dumb MILFs.

[–] x4740N@lemmy.world 17 points 11 months ago (3 children)

Don't stick your dick in crazy

[–] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 15 points 11 months ago (2 children)

No, you can. Just don't give crazy your real name and number

load more comments (2 replies)

[–] Son_of_dad@lemmy.world 15 points 11 months ago (2 children)

She looks like a very selfish lover though. Probably licks it a couple times while making a face, and calls it a blowie.

load more comments (2 replies)

[–] PetDinosaurs@lemmy.world 11 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

She's not really my type, but, if she tried to jerk me off at Beetlejuice and tried to follow me back to my room and my wife allowed it and she weren't such a shit heel, I wouldn't kick her out.

(I do want to comment about the picture being the standard "porn orifice" thing. Someone spent time picking that frame)

load more comments (2 replies)

[–] mrbonejangles@lemm.ee 18 points 11 months ago (1 children)

That’s up to $20 worth of value free!

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] Colour_me_triggered@lemm.ee 18 points 11 months ago (1 children)

She's morraly reprehensible, but if she wants to fiddle with my gristle stick I won't stop her.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] vivavideri@lemmy.world 17 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You know, as someone without a penis, I just don't think I trust her to do a good enough job to get it done.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 15 points 11 months ago (4 children)

Say what you want about Boebert but any candidate that jerks me off has my vote. I'm just gonna lay that out there right now.

[–] jackpot@lemmy.ml 14 points 11 months ago (1 children)

hello im dick cheney and your dick is the one i'll br chaining; i shot a man in the with a gun but i'll be shooting you with my [redacted] until i have another heart attack. oh btw we lost 1.9 trillion and we're not doing an audit

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 13 points 11 months ago (3 children)

Gonna be honest Mr Cheney I don't think you've got what it takes to get me there, but you're welcome to try.

load more comments (3 replies)

[–] ThrowawayPermanente@sh.itjust.works 14 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Like my mother always said, if she's willing to open with that you could probably negotiate your way up to a blowjob just by acting skeptical.

[–] chriscrutch@lemm.ee 12 points 11 months ago

That was my mother's favorite saying too. Rest in peace, Mom.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] gravitas_deficiency@sh.itjust.works 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Honestly, this is the best Onion headline I’ve seen in a while

load more comments (1 replies)

load more comments