Ask Lemmy

This is not a random question. I think it’s important to getting at the root of all this:

How exactly would he establish financial control over you, if you were to get in touch with him?

I’d say as long as that is a possibility, it indicates that there is a share of that control mechanism living in your own brain.

This tells me you have things you need to work out with yourself before you try to mend things with your father. Basically there’s no mechanism by which one adult can financially control another adult, without that second adult being an active participant in the process.

As a first step, you should figure out what latent software exists within you, that is ready to activate and provide him access to controlling your life.

Do you have a therapist? If not that’s good first step.

One of the pivotal moments for me was on my wedding day. I didn’t receive any message from him—not even a simple acknowledgment. I had hoped to hear from him, and his silence cut deeply, making me realize how distant we had become.

One year, my father said he didn't think he could visit. I have his only grandkids. He's retired and rich. He has connections to get cheap travel. He takes multiple out-of-country trips a year (that I've never been on). There is literally no reasonable explanation why he can't visit in a year and plenty of typical reasons for him to do so. I haven't talked to him in more than 5 years.

My anger/sadness dulls with time, but never goes away. I constantly have to remind myself that the father I want doesn't exist and never did. It has gotten easier with time, but it's still a scar. Just like a real scar, it gets angry from time to time, but it's not as bad as when I first got it.

It's taught me a lot of lessons. It taught me not to be like him. My mom once asked my wife "where did he learn to play with the kids like that? His father never did that." When my wife told me that, I couldn't explain it, either. I just treat my kids like I wanted to be treated when I was a kid.

I've gone to therapy and it helps. Maybe I should go back. As my kids grow, I'm learning new ways in which he failed me and our family. I never knew what I was missing, but now that I have to provide that for my kids, I see what he did wrong. Every year it's something new. I imagine it'll be that way until I die.

So, I'm sorry, but I don't think it ever disappears (as you can tell by the energy I'm typing with). I think it fades. Take from it the lessons that you can. Don't let the pain be fruitless. Acknowledge it, use it as guidance, "I know what not to do."

You have the same problem as a friend of mine who struggles with both her parents.

Your idea of who he is doesn’t match the reality of who he is. This leads to him constantly disappointing you because he doesn’t behave the way you hope he will.

I think the first step to moving forward (in whatever way that might be) is to adjust your idea of who he is until it more closely matches reality. From what you’ve written, he doesn’t treat you as an adult or an equal. He doesn’t care about your boundaries (because he doesn’t consider you an adult or equal). He doesn’t care to be kind and nurturing. He doesn’t care about your feelings.

Once you can accept who he actually is you can make an informed decision about whether you want to include him in your life.

Lastly, your fear about him using his wealth to control you absolutely smacks of an abusive relationship. We don’t try and control those we love.

Therapy.

Therapy can give you the tools to navigate your own feelings and if you decide to make a connection the tools to navigate that. Someone objective with your best interests in mind that has experience with this will be a huge asset.

Dont feel obligated by societies expectations, just act in your best interests and set boundaries. Sorry it's such a vague response, but everyone is so different,and relationships are complex. Unloading onto a professional can really help.

This reminds my of my sister. Tons of therapy over our father and still no progress, well because the problem isn't her. I told her to understand he Is never going to grow up so treat him like what he Is. Worthless. I was super angry for month's after my last visit but I realized I wasn't just disappointed in him. I was angry cause never had the parent I needed. I told her I'll see him again in casket cause my life doesn't improve with him in it. She told me to go to therapy but I don't want peace, I want a useful parent. It's bs my mom did everything she could and he has the balls to pretend he is in the same game. I'll hold on to this till I die. Why? Cause I never want to be like him. Meanwhile like op, my sister is afraid of our fathers wrath. He actually pointed a loaded gun at me once. I told her that's more reason to run. No money is worth trading my family's wellbeing.

Don't feel bad that you established boundaries with your father. As for the complicated feelings you're having, I can definitely empathize, albeit for different reasons.

Do you have a close friend, or therapist you can talk to to help you work through these feelings? Honestly, he may never be ready to give you the relationship you want. And that's something you may have to work through on your own to come to terms with it.

It's totally valid for you to feel angry, and hurt by his actions. I wish I had better advice. Everyone deserves a father that's present in their life. <3

Ask yourself: why do you want to have a good relationship with a person that doesnt seem to respect you at all? Just because of the blood in your veins, childhood trauma (probably caused by him), social pressure or is there a "valid" reason?

Ask yourself if having the relationship you are imagining is worth you putting in 10 or 100 times the amount of work he will, while still not being respected as a person.

A lot of the times the things we want can have hidden barbs or fangs. Distance isn't always bad.

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Everyone's situation is different but I also have a strained relationship with my father that has lead to the tough decision for me to go low contact with him and give up on having a relationship for the foreseeable future.

I don't know if this will help you but it helped me so feel free to take/leave as you like. I think the first thing you need to do if you haven't already is figure out what you want the boundaries of your relationship to be and the conditions for re-engagement to help prevent him from hurting you again. Could be something simple like no financial assistance or expensive gifts, acknowledgement that the silence at your wedding hurt you, that kind of thing.

If he agrees to these then you can cautiously establish a relationship while making sure you enforce your boundaries. If he doesn't co-operate or dismisses your needs, then it's going to be very hard to have a relationship with him, you will get hurt. In that case I think your best option is to accept that you can't have the type of relationship with him that you want, and allow yourself to grieve that loss.

As a disclaimer, I'm not a professional. Professional advice really helped me but this was still a multi year painful journey for me. Good luck and I really hope you can move forward and find peace with the situation however it turns out and don't be afraid to lean on your support networks.

Why does look like another bot post?

You don't really give enough detail to give specific advice. All I can say is I left it too late to reconnect with mine and it's one of my biggest regrets.