Ask Lemmy

No. No. No.

I got snipped in my 30s before having any kids. I have numerous physical and mental issues that I didn't really care to pass down. Before I was married, I did date a couple women in my past who did have kids, so I'm not opposed to that side of it. At this point, in my mid 40s, adopting seems fairly unlikely.

I don't worry about or miss anything specifically. We have plenty of nieces and nephews (and now some great- ones on my side since my younger stepsister and her son had kids quite young) that I can spoil.

I do somewhat worry about setting up proper care for us as we get older, particularly my wife who will almost certainly outlive me by a bigger margin, but having kids wouldn't guarantee that or anything anyway, particularly with the ratrace that is the current Japanese job market and culture.

Never liked kids, never liked the idea of having kids. I have a miniscule noise tolerance, and being around them for just a few hours completely exhausts my social batteries.

After meeting my nieces I need a full day to recover, so I wouldn't expose myself to the same thing at home on a near constant basis, plus I love the freedom to be as spontaneous as I want to be.

Got sterilized in my 20s, now I'm in my 40s. Zero regrets, best decision of my life.

Have kids. I absolutely adore my kids and have no regrets, but also recognize that I'm in a relatively stable situation where having kids doesn't create other unmanageable challenges for me and my wife. We carefully considered our capacity to have and raise kids. They were not all comfortable conversations. I am glad to have waited to have kids until I was in a good and stable place, and also can no longer imagine what it would have been like to not have these absolutely wonderful little monsters both spoiling and making every moment more magnificent.

I’m nearing an age where it’s not going to be physically possible for me to have my own soon, and my overwhelming feeling is ‘good.’ I never wanted to get pregnant and was always told I’d change my mind. Well, if I do, it’s going to be when I’m at an age where I’m far too old for it to matter anyway, lol.

Fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuuck no.

Never mind my genetic heart defect I don't want to risk passing down, my niece and nephew are a handful enough as it is when I watch them for a weekend.

Yep, 3. I like to explain things to people, now I get to be the smartest person in the room for a while. It’s great.

simplest answer ever.

No. No. And no.

At first I thought I could "take it or leave it" with kids. Then I married someone who was a firm "No," but strung me along when I asked if we could adopt. Divorced now, and when I think about the idea of finding a woman to raise a family with... I'm inundated with fear and anxiety. This world is so fucked that I cry in my dreams at the thought of it. What will the world look like in my hypothetical child's lifetime?

The supposed last bastion of freedom and democracy has fully descended into fascist oligarchy. We were supposed to stop climate change before we hit 1.5 degrees of warming, we hit that last year. Now they're talking about what's going to happen when we hit 3 degrees of warming. So every natural disaster is going to be far worse, and far more frequent. The fire in LA is still burning. A fire swallowed up so much, the next one may take the entire city. Scientists have been dreading the eruption of a super volcano for a while now, saying that it could cause a global ice age, gee I wonder if climate change is making that more or less likely?? (hint: it's more.) Meanwhile NATO and the combination of russia/china/north korea/iran are preparing for the last war this world may ever see.

Not to mention that having a kid is like pooping out a ticket for half a million in debt. I already think about killing myself so often, could I really bear the thought of shackling myself to this soul sucking job for the rest of my life? Goodbye following my dreams, hello more debt.

So now I can't even bring myself to date, because despite getting divorced over it (not really, but it was a part of it), I still can't truly answer the question "Do I want kids?" Approaching 40 and time is running out. Gotta make up my mind, but in the meantime everything is getting worse.

I heard once that single life is like being the center of your life's portrait, and once you have kids, you instead become the frame. But I already feel like I've lived my whole life within the frame, and want to try being the center of my own portrait for once.

I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:

The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.

They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.

I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.

I do not have kids. I fiercely disprove of the idea of havnig kids without having a person to have those kids with.

I finally met somebody I would probably have them with.

But shes already past menopause, so it's not going to happen.

And that's cool, we're DINKY-ing it out.

I sort of thought that I didn't want kids even though I was married and finances would not be a problem. And then I had a kid, and it is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in my entire life.

I've got a lot of reasons: climate, personal finance, america (country where I live) seems a little unwell, mental health, lack of commitment (I think one should be pretty sure and I'm not).

Came close once with a relationship where my partner changed their mind and wanted kids and tried to convince me for a year. We parted ways over it.

Got a vasectomy last year. If I want them later on I'll adopt or foster.

Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like...get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.

Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.

I always thought I'd make a better uncle than a father. Time has proven me right.

No and no. I don't think I'd want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.

I love my kids so much that it's changed my whole life. They have given value to my life that didn't exist before, they made me grow and it's an incredible experience to watch them grow. They made me happy, worried, scared, bored, proud and angry like nothing else ever did.
Yeah I sometimes envy my brother, who has all the money and time in the world to do whatever he wants. But I secretly pity him as well, because he lives like a grown-up, self-centerd child without true responsibilities, and all his toys and holidays feel meaningless to me.
I couldn't recommend this to anyone but it is a true magic happens outside the comfort zone-experience that will never go away.

I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.

I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.

So my wife and I are child-free by choice. I'm in a rare position that I wind up speaking to many people in-depth about their lives, and the folks who have children talk about raising their kids all the time.

If I'm honest, many, many days I think "the moral of the story here is do not have kids, foks".

That's not to say that it's all bad for everyone, but it is very bad for a lot of people. Essentially, their lives become exclusively about managing their children's problems. Everyone thinks their children will be well mannered, sweet and thoughtful little guys who will fill their hearts with joy and purpose. The reality is many children are little nightmares with behavior problems that don't seem to improve no matter how much work they put into seeing child psychologists and play therapists- every single day they spend 3-4 hours trying to calm their kid down as they fly into an uncontrollable rage, overturning tables and swinging their arms as hard as they can at the care givers and their parents. They want to help their kids learn how to control their feelings but they can't. It's really sad. The parents live in hell a little, every hour of the day is spent trying to manage their screaming, raging child.

I will also tell you that many people have tried to convince me over the years that we should have children. Family members, neighbors, co-workers.. I also once had a neighbor (who's kids were little terrors, I once saw one take a swing at his face because he was being punished, and they also once threw BIG rocks over the wall separating our properties without seeing where they'd land) say to me: "You just get to do whatever you want, don't you?" when I was getting in the car to leave to go work remotely out in the countryside for a week.

My point is people don't often tell you how hard it can be, most people lie and say that it's great. At least half a dozen times I've had parents say "now I don't wish that my child was gone or would never have been born as such, but I do often long for a life where I didn't have to take care of them all the time". Like they DO wish they never had kids, but they have to be careful to say they don't want their child to disappear because its too dark of a thing to say.

In this economy???!

Only have children if you are ready to give up your own comfort and freedom to provide an environment for them that they deserve and will thrive in. I have 3 kids and knew that it was a huge commitment, but that still won't prepare you for exactly what that means. You wake up when your child wakes up, regardless of how much sleep you've had or if you stayed up late to have some hard-to-find personal time with your significant other or alone. Children crave attention and deserve to have a locked-in parent so when they are awake, scrolling on social media or watching your TV show instead of interacting with your kid playing on the floor is a disservice to them. Some of your closest friends before children are often not compatible with the vision you have for your family and it requires you to cut some people out of your life that you honestly valued before you were responsible for the development of another human. There are many sacrifices that really shocked my system to get accustomed to, but it has been worth the trouble. Just remember that they come first above your comfort and wishes because they didn't ask to be here and your choice to bring them into this world means that your are responsible for creating an environment for them to feel safe and loved.

It's such a huge and personal decision. You shouldn't really make a decision based on how other people describe their experience. I saw this on reddit ages ago and this is is probably the single best summary of the experience I've seen.

I can describe my experience, but you need to understand people's biases. My bias is that I always liked kids. I enjoyed playing with nephews and nieces. I now work with children and have 2 of my own kids. The decision for children doesn't come about in a vacuum. I had a wife who wanted kids too. I had a stable job and felt ready. Even then I had no idea what I was in for. Kids put major demands on your time, money, energy, patience and marriage. I have one child which some might call "a difficult child" and one who is very demanding (as expected for a "normal" child). This is definitely life on hard-mode. Children really force you to face your own issues and get over yourself. It has been great for me. I wouldn't change a thing about my "difficult" children. Giving them a good life and catering to their needs is an undescribable satisfaction and fulfilment in itself. I'm learning more than I'm teaching them. I wish work didn't take so much of my time and energy so I had more for them. I asked my wife if she wanted to work full-time, because I would happily stay at home or work part-time and spend more time with the kids. I can't get enough of my kids and the time you get at each stage of their life flies by in an instant.

That's starkly in contrast that with large proportions of Lemmy (and Reddit) which have quite vocal child-free populations with a very individualist ideology. Everyone's circumstances and biases are different.

Edit: People also tend to be more open about defending their current position rather than expressing regret (i.e. had children and hated it, or didn't have children and regretted it); both of these populations exist and tend to be quieter because of social stigma.

No. Wanted kids, but it didn't happen with either wife (sequential, not simultaneous). Current wife can't any more for medical reasons. And frankly I don't want to have a teenager while I'm in my 60s, so I think I'm done anyway.

I would like to have kids, but I do have nieces I can take whenever I want and give back whenever I'm done. Kind of the best of both worlds.

I wake up to a quiet, clean house every day. Not having kids is the best.

No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.

Early 30s and no, I won't have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:

• I barely hold it together on a day to day basis, I can't imagine having to put my needs aside and care for someone else 24/7 for decades.
• The current state of the world is frightening, I would feel horrible putting someone in whatever will happen in the years to come.
• I have a high chance of transmitting my ADHD/ASD (my family is pretty much all ADHD/ASD) and I don't want to willingly put someone through that, even with a good support system.
• More money, more time
• I have nieces and nephews, so I can be the cool uncle whenever I want.

I have kids, I love them but I regret having kids with my toxic wife

I have to daughters, and my personal experience has been overwhelmingly positive.

By that I do NOT mean that it's convenient - it absolutely is not. It's stressful, and all hedonistic pleasures go down the drain for a period of time. But they give my life meaning in a way few other things can.

don't. just don't.

I've taken care of various small animals my whole life; the next logical thing would be a kid. Or a horse.

Horse'd be cheaper, I reckon. And I can't afford that, so no way could I afford a kid.

My wife and I have two sons, and it’s an obscene amount of work, but there’s nothing better than the simple joy of seeing them excel at something they love, or seeing their pride at a success.

You’re giving up proper sleep for a decade, and you’re forever ceding your ability to not worry about another person’s wellbeing, but on the whole it’s worth it.

The early years are punishing, there’s no way around it, but it gets easier as they get older.

I have 2 kids. One bit and one girl. Wish I had a third, but I got snipped after 2.

I didn't want kids for the longest time. Then I met my husband and wanted to make a family. We were fortunate to have two lovely girls (after three unfortunate miscarriages). Actually, I think it was after the first miscarriage that my desire for a baby was truly solidified.

Life is chaotic and busy and expensive but I wouldn't trade it for life before kids.

Early 30s and no.

1. the world has enough people
2. I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
3. I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
4. if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can't afford to adopt then I can't afford a child and I'm fine with that.
5. I'm stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me

absolutely not. I'm not interested in bringing anyone into this world to die in the climate wars

I have kids. I said I wanted them until it really hit home how much work it was. I didn't shy from the work though, and had 2 more. Now they are close to becoming adults and we are bonding over so many things. I would never do it again without them.