No Stupid Questions

I've been though divorce recently and despite being very amicable, it's caused me to reset - some things broke, but being more emotionally open has been one of the good things. I'm still pretty reserved but a few things are different:

• I care a lot less about conforming to "ideals" or how anyone judges me. That means I no longer feel the fear and second guess everything I say.
• When appropriate, I ask people - especially other men - how they're doing and gently push for a genuine answer. No one's reacted negatively to that, so far.
• With my kids, I simply do the opposite to my father. I tell them I love them, I take an interest in them, and I take their feelings seriously. I don't coddle them, but I want them to feel secure and confident in talking to me. They're still young, so we'll see.
• During work 1:1s, I take a genuine interest in people, most will subtly drop hints that they had a bad weekend or are feeling tired or stressed. I used to gloss over that, now I'll ask about it and say I'm happy to listen. A surprising number will go on to share, with the bonus that it builds trust.
• If someone asks how I am, I won't lay it all out for them, but I'll be honest. Most people empathise and tell you they've been through similar. It's never been awkward, and I've found out nearly everyone I know is pretty anxious and is going through difficult stuff.

As an aside, I never watched much porn because I found it so cold and alienating. It's interesting that you found the opposite. Anyway, I'll stop there and wish you well!

I think of a friend of mine. He smiles freely and largely among friends, he acknowledges his feelings but doesn’t get consumed by them inappropriately, and in turn he acknowledges others’ feelings. He’s quick to praise, but not afraid to disagree or expand upon something someone else said. He also does what he wants sincerely and excitedly whether it’s starting a lecture series or putting on a flute recital as a man in his 40s.

I suppose it’s the vulnerability that impresses me. He’s vulnerable enough to voice hope, to be sincere; to try and succeed or fail know that we care.

And as for your spoiler, porn is fine when ethically produced, but going to porn for emotional intimacy is like going to vodka for food. It’s not a good substitute for what you’re missing or a good use for what you’re using. Go to social events/hobby groups and start making friends, that’s what you’re missing

This may sound silly but there's a YouTube channel called cinema therapy and they have a series on non-toxic masculinity. I highly recommend the coverage of Rocky, how a true man's man expresses emotional vulnerability and love. Watching the channel in general has given me words for things I felt and experienced but didn't know how to talk about.

Start seeing a therapist. Get help from a professional and avoid taking the advice of strangers on the internet.

Um are you sure this is why you do what you say you do in the spoiler? Just as a warning, I know emotionally available men who also engage in this activity. So do I occasionally and I'm a woman. Meaning, you may know your reasons but if your goal is to remove it that might be difficult. But you surely may reduce it though. Nothing wrong with this as long as it doesn't interfere with your life.

Now, going back to your question, just be willing and ready to discuss feelings and emotions with people. Friends, family. It doesn't mean you need to open up right there and spill all your beans, rather, start by listening to others. It's okay (and actually good) to ask them how do you feel?. Maybe you find you relate to some of that, it's fine to let the other person know too. Don't lie though, remember listening is already enough.

A perfect example from fiction is LotR. All the main male characters express themselves, they share their fears and hopes, cry when people close to them die, and they encourage each other.

They're also rugged "manly men" who hunt, fish, are decisive, and show good leadership capabilities. It shows the ability to do both traditional masculine activities and be emotionally available without being toxic.

It's common in media to allude that Sam and Frodo's relationship is sexual in nature, but that sort of close bond between men was common prior to ww2, particularly in the military. A situation that Tolkien likely would have experienced in the trenches of ww1.

Bluey

I can't speak for everyone, but asking myself "why" has helped me introspect. If I have a bad reaction to something or don't when I should, I ask myself why. After a couple rounds of "why" it usually comes down to childhood experiences or social expectations. At least for me. Eventually it gets easier and being able to id the source helps figure out the positive steps to correct it.

I got nothing from any of the men in my life until I started hanging out with more gay men. Whatever else they are, they are unrestrained by the straight role / rules. I found them fun, open, hilarious, sad, hopeful, crazy… it was also a revelation to be hit on (both good and bad).

I guess my other ray of hope was my Arabic ancestry. Arab men are very relaxed and affectionate. Not just with each other but with everyone. They adore kids. They dance. They kiss each other on the cheek to say hello.

Another one is art. If you want to express emotion, ply an art. I wrote. It was a good outlet, even if it never added up to the great American novel.

Once these influences cracked me open, I began to rescue other men around me, who appreciated having a friend they could really talk to, have feelings in front of, hug…

At this point I’m very much my own creature. I can’t even imagine living with the whole emotionless thing. It’s so dumb.

Even though I’m 95% straight I identify as bi. It’s freeing. I don’t worry about that 5% and try to hide it. I cherish it and hold on to it. It keeps me just a little bit flexible. I like that people can’t read my sexuality for a long time after they get to know me. I feel comfortable with straight men, gay men, and all kinds of women. I can relate to trans people, who also construct their gender identity consciously and with intention.

It’s such a big world of interesting people. You can’t know them all but at least know yourself.

How connected are you with your own emotions and emotional needs? How do you go filling your own emotional needs in healthy ways? First and foremost you have to start there. Reconnect with your emotions, sit with them, every day, and just really listen to them. You don't have to do what they say, but they're an important form of communication from your instincts and human needs, to you and for you. Your emotions are for you.

Emotions are kinda like, when you put your hand in the shower before you get in, to test the heat, imagine ignoring that, wouldn't go well. Emotions come up to tell you something about your environment and what you need from that environment.

Sometimes your emotions just need reassurance. If you're in the practice of ignoring your emotions, they get loud, and eventually fester, so it's important to listen to them, validate them, acknowledge them, and then they usually move on, that's all emotions want. if it's an inconvenient emotion for your situation, acknowledge it, notice it without judgement, remind yourself that you are not your emotions, you are the entity observing your emotions, and that one doesn't serve you right now, thank it and let it go.

Connecting with your own emotions in a healthy way and sharing them, is part of emotionally connecting with others.

The other part is connecting with their emotions and caring for those. Make space for people to have emotions, all of them, be curious about people's emotions, ask questions, validation their experience (because all emotions are valid, regardless if they're showing up at what is considered by some as the "right time")

When someone is talking about their emotions they may want you to validate and acknowledge, sometimes people fall into the trap of trying to "fix" the issue associated with the emotion or situation causing the emotion, but actual emotional connection is validating and acknowledges that emotional response and making space for it to exist.

Imagine the emotions people are feeling are like a huge meal they've painstakingly cooked and put all their effort into. If someone came along and said it was bad or threw it straight in the bin, that would be really dejecting. Take time to work through each piece of emotion that crop up in a situation, for people around you, and the effort and energy that comes along with each step, like you would ask how they make each part of the dish, break it down to beginning to now, in process. You don't want to just sweep it off the table. When did the emotion start, go back to then, and then relate, you can understand feeling like that, and it's understandable for anyone and just leave space for them to talk. People are kinda using others to emotionally regulate, so letting them know their emotions are welcome and safe to express and validating them, makes them see you as a safe person.

It all starts with connecting with your own emotions, so practice makes perfect, keep at it!

Practice being honest. Say I don’t know. Ask how you can help. Listen. Its not hard just being there and honest you can learn alot and improve.

I really enjoy the podcast Deeper Dating. The host, Ken Page, is one of the most emotionally in-touch men I've heard from. More so than a lot of women, honestly. Also, therapy and men's groups are a great start too. Consider poetry, talks from Brené Brown, books on attachment styles, and engaging with more emotionally intimate people in your life - even just as friends, male or female.

Start by diving into "positive" emotions, because that's an easier starting point than sharing fears/worries/doubts/etc.

Tell people when you're happy about something. Notice and give compliments about things you like in others. Share music you love, and talk about why you love it.

Ease your way into expressing emotions by building this foundation, and where you go from there is up to you.

Openly acknowledging being aware you have trouble being emotionally available is being vulnerable so you're already making progress. You don't need to openly cry or always reflect your feelings. The first step is to be honest even if it's vague. If that's just a "how are you?" "I'm good, just stressed" or "just trying something new". In a relationship? Just try asking for a hug when you want one

Don't listen to macho guys that say you can't be a man if you do x/y/z. An emotionally mature and available man can enjoy anything he likes because he is secure in how he feels. When you are on the other side of things you'll look at those macho types and see their machismo as bravado to cover what can only amount to insecurities. They are sad cases honestly and I feel pity for their situation.

Go do something that would make you emotionally uncomfortable and let yourself feel every bit of that discomfort.

Basically it takes practice and stopping yourself from stopping yourself. Putting yourself in situations to feel and then sitting with the feeling instead of running from it. Contemplate it, think about it, let it be part of you.

And if you can, find a friend that's emotional aware and available as a role model to emulate.

For your kids, let them feel their feelings and do your best to not invalidate those feelings. Feelings are valid, it's how we handle them that makes or breaks us. It's fine to feel anger and sadness just as it's fine to feel happiness and joy, but we don't lash out in anger, and we don't let our sadness wash us away.

I had a big long thing typed out, but I erased a lot and I think this is the core of it.

I have a bit of of a different experience in regards to this because I'm a neurodivergent and queer trans man. So I've had to spend a lot of time untangling my thoughts on masculinity. Personally, one of the main observations I've made is how emotionally constipated the men around me are. Usually something to the effect of "I can't be mistaken as gay becuase it might result in social or physical harm coming to me" So I suppose my advice would be to work on allowing yourself to feel things without judgement (which is a lot easier said than done, of course). A good starting point would be to either talk with a therapist/support group, or if that option is not available, then independently reviewing/working through psychiatry material yourself. I would start with the book "The Body Keeps the Score" because in my experience, most people experience trauma at some point or another in their lives, including men. That can help you build a more stable mental framework for working through your own experiences of being emotionally stifled.

As far as general advice, I would look to other queer men/masc for opinions as well, cuz a lot of us have internal and external experiences with working through emotional suppression. Usually because as a cohort, we don't tend to feel as beholden to the social "ideal" of masculine.

Back when I was on reddit I also found that r/menslib was a welcoming space for men and masc folks to discuss men's issues (such as the lack of emotional intimacy) without devolving into an incel/misogyny forum.

::: spoiler I don't think there's anything wrong with porn conceptually, but the industry is full of exploitation due to an intersection of capitalist exploitation, patriarchal exploitation, and the fact that sex work is often criminalized. So seeking out more ethically produced porn would be a way to minimize the more unsavory aspects. You could also consider the merits of indulging in literary erotica or pornographic art instead, as these options often focus more on emotional intimacy or fetishes, and are on average less exploitative. :::

I'm just one dude on the internet though, and it's good that you're looking for a variety of inputs on this, we could use more emotionally healthy men in the world.

Cut the porn to be honest.

Better yourself Get therapy Go for walks Enjoy space, enjoy being you Find hobbies Listen first, listen more Talk to people Take genuine interest in them without coming across like a creep If you work, be a boss or colleague that champions wellbeing and taking sick days If someone is sounding down in a team meeting, check in with them after