this post was submitted on 25 Aug 2024
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[–] lvxferre@mander.xyz 63 points 3 weeks ago (4 children)

I'm going to be a lich.

I get the keep my mind and memories, so I'm not some dumb zombie going babbling "brrrrlll" here and there, seeking brains. I'm fairly powerful so I can pull out my own weight, enough to become the necromancer's right arm. And if it comes to the worst I can always backstab the necromancer and become the boss, as typically lichs have their own necromancy.

[–] Zonetrooper@lemmy.world 20 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Objectively the best answer. Plus, as long as you hide your phylactery well, there's not much the necromancer can do to keep you in line.

[–] lvxferre@mander.xyz 14 points 3 weeks ago

I'd expect my phylactery to be with the necromancer at the start, for exactly this reason. So I think that a lot of my job in my first days [years?] as an undead is to get their trust so I can: replace my phylactery with a copy, hide the original, and proclaim my independence.

[–] DScratch@sh.itjust.works 13 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)

You know you have to feed a soul to your phylactery like every few days. Who’s gonna get got?

[–] lvxferre@mander.xyz 9 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)
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[–] holgersson@lemm.ee 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Do souls have sizes, like "you need at least the soul of a medium sized dog or pig"?

Because if every soul is worth equally much, just set an anthill on fire and be done for the foreseeable future.

Of course, as your next course of action, you should make up for the damage done to your local eco system, but that should be doable within the powers and lifespan of a lich.

[–] JackFrostNCola@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

This EcoLich build definitely sounds like the way to go.

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[–] thelsim@sh.itjust.works 51 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

A vampire. Since it’s a necromancer raising me, instead of another vampire, I won’t be enthralled and will have free will.
Then there’s all the wonderful abilities and the fact that I’ll still look good for an undead (it’s a pretty movie vampire, not one of those creepy ones)

[–] OceanSoap@lemmy.ml 8 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
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[–] Skates@feddit.nl 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

First - pretty movie vampires were pretty humans before they got vampired. Second - why in the fuck would a necromancer raise a vampire with free will? Face it 'pretty' boy, you'll be stuck in a cave trying to kill adventurers who never visit. You'll be talking to rats after the first month of solitude. You'll lose your undeath virginity to a lost mountain goat. The first time a girl will be around your cave, she'll notice how it smells like a homeless man who hasn't changed his underwear in years and avoid the cave entirely. You'll feel like spiking yourself in the heart because you had gotten used to the smell, but you won't even be able to do that - you're a necromancer's minion. You have no choice in how you live or die. You're just a smelly guardian of an uninteresting cave.

I'll take undead drake. I'm doing some epic shit before I die, not just guarding some cave.

[–] thelsim@sh.itjust.works 6 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Those are a lot of assumptions you're making:

  • No one said the necromancer wanted a minion
  • No one mentioned anything about a smelly cave
  • I never said I'm a boy
  • Maybe I would love the solitude

Anyway, no one said that the necromancer needed a guardian for some smelly cave. I like to think the necromancer got lonely and just wanted a friend to chat with. Even if what you say is true, cave guarding is for low-level chumps like skeletons or ghosts. Vampires are middle-management at least :)

Also, how on earth can you tell me I have to look exactly like I did when I was alive - which is still pretty :P - while you apparently can transform from human corpse to a drake?
Following your rules, the necromancer would be trying to assemble a drake using human bones, creating some weird facsimile of a dragon. The "drake" would spend its time jumping out from behind rocks shouting "blergh", while falling apart at the slightest touch. Wishing some adventurer would put it out of its tortured existence instead of just pointing and laughing.

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[–] tiefling@lemmy.blahaj.zone 37 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Wasn't that how Mitch McConnell was born?

[–] radix@lemmy.world 23 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

He's more of a turtle golem.

[–] Rocketpoweredgorilla@lemmy.ca 10 points 3 weeks ago

He's a master of disguise

[–] Caligvla@lemmy.dbzer0.com 37 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] ripcord@lemmy.world 9 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

That appears to send shivers down my spine.

[–] Caligvla@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] ripcord@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago

That has made me shake and shudder in surprise.

[–] Duke_Nukem_1990@feddit.org 28 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Whatever type Jesus was. Folks seem to like that kind of undead.

[–] davidgro@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago

Undead Deity is in fact a great answer to the question.

[–] Canopyflyer@lemmy.world 25 points 3 weeks ago (3 children)
[–] Nibodhika@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago

Agrajag, is that you?

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[–] emax_gomax@lemmy.world 18 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

So any animal is fair game? In which case, dodo. You MFs ate us into oblivion, I'm gonna come back with species worth of pent up rage and an undead thirst for blood.

Edit: in retrospect I now realise a dodo would be super easy to send back to the underworld :-(. I'm gonna be... checks deadliest thing notes, a car.

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[–] savvywolf@pawb.social 15 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

I know it's probably too on brand, but maybe some kind of monstrous wolf hell beast thing. Maybe with a skull as a head and dripping flesh.

If I'm going to be a mindless killing machine, may as well have some fun with it. Better than being a slow shambling skeleton or zombie at any rate.

[–] spittingimage@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
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[–] Roflmasterbigpimp@lemmy.world 15 points 3 weeks ago

Lich would be fun

[–] Brkdncr@lemmy.world 14 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
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[–] BattleGrown@lemmy.world 12 points 3 weeks ago

I'll be that guy, and say abomination. The more twisted the better. Like a mouth in my belly, extra arm on my back kind of twisted. I'll learn to enjoy striking terror in my victims' hearts. Afterlife will be dope.

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 11 points 3 weeks ago

Ghostflame Dragon.

[–] collapse_already@lemmy.ml 11 points 3 weeks ago

Lich. The power that other famous examples like Darth Cheney and Henry Kissinger had is just too tempting.

[–] some_guy@lemmy.sdf.org 9 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Jesus, for sure. Not that he came back.

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[–] pixeltree@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 3 weeks ago

Something non-sentient please, I was enjoying nonexistence

[–] zxqwas@lemmy.world 8 points 3 weeks ago

If you disregard supernatural powers of undead, it's different depending on who you ask anyway, I'd go with a skeleton.

[–] ArtVandelay@lemmy.world 8 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

If I'm an undead undead, do I get to live?

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[–] spittingimage@lemmy.world 8 points 3 weeks ago

I'm pretty lazy, so... spectre. Having no body to haul around will make things easier.

[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 7 points 3 weeks ago
[–] weirdbeardgame@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago

I'd come back as a wraith, preferably shadow of mordor / war style with domination powers.

Otherwise, a lich assuming I could have lich magic and evolve

[–] Etterra@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago

Wraith, so that I can go through walls, carry a big-ass scythe, and upgrade from generating Fear to generating Terror, so I can exploit that juicy morale penalty even if the enemy unit is immune to Fear.

[–] Eiri@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago

Ghost. Flying, intangibility, spooky telekinesis ... Sounds great.

[–] Vanth@reddthat.com 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

A capybara in a remote location that won't see human development within my new lifetime. Just chillin' with my interspecies homies.

[–] weirdbeardgame@lemmy.world 4 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Wasn't talking animals. I meant what type of undead would you come back as. xD

[–] Vanth@reddthat.com 7 points 3 weeks ago

An undead capybara in a remote location that won't see human development within my new lifetime. Just chillin' with my interspecies undead homies.

[–] tal@lemmy.today 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

@Vanth@reddthat.com: E.g. zombie capybara, vampiric capybara, spectral capybara, skeletal capybara, etc.

[–] mozz@mbin.grits.dev 6 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

The painkiller thing where you can tear off your head and throw it at someone and then still control it well enough to bite them

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[–] HipsterTenZero@dormi.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago

Darksign'd undead. Sure I'll hollow out eventually, but for now lets do some jolly co-operation.

[–] Banichan@dormi.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

What is this? Some kind of druid / necromancer dual class?

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[–] jpreston2005@lemmy.world 5 points 3 weeks ago

I'd go as more-or-less human ala the movie Warm Bodies. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have a nice romantic fling!

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