this post was submitted on 30 Jun 2024
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This is an old throwback now: Does anyone remember me complaining about some "Mates" Who had kids and made some really distasteful "Jokes" back when we were still struggling ourselves? Something about throwing their baby in the bin or something cause he was frustrating them? Well, got a bit of an update on them.
Drama
They are struggling. Hard. Her mental health is in the bin, and he is pushed for time having taken a job that seems him out of the house from 5am till 6 or 7 pm. Add another kid to the mix and its not going well. he made a joke about "Needing more support". I laughed cause we also don't have family around us. But I think it was kind of a hint and I just.... fucking no chance. I didn't say anything, but there is NO way we're stepping into that mess.Almost everything that's going wrong was visible from a mile away before they made the decision. Her mental health is crap cause her family fucking suck, but she does running back to them every time. They threw a dog and another baby on top of the first one who I think has some development issues. The whole thing is a mess and i know it sounds cruel, but there's no way to help them without them trying to suck you into the vortex of their drama. I've made that mistake 2 or 3 times before, I'm not making it a 4th time. If you could just drop off a meal or babysit for a bit to help without hearing how horrible everything is and leaving feeling worse for having done a nice thing.. I feel sorry for them, but at what point do you go "You've kind of shot yourself in the foot there, can you please not bleed on my kitchen floor?"
It starts off a couple of hours of babysitting, ends up the whole day because of unforeseeable circumstances. I know a couple who drop their kid off at the in-laws for 4 hours so they can do the "shopping". Shopping right, yeah sure.
from what I understand getting her out of the house would be an achievement. But man I'd happily take the kids if it meant they could clean the house or something! I'm not one for judging, i've got a toddler I know its hard and our place is frequently a mess too. But theirs looks like the start of a hoarders episode. Trouble is their kid doesnt listen to them, so theres no chance I'm looking after a kid that cant/wont listen to me.
That's incredibly sad. I hope she gets the help she needs because that's no way to live.
yeah I hope so. But I dont think theres a diplomatic way to say "Hey I see you guys are struggling, I think maybe applying X Y and Z might help a bit" without being sucked in.
Yep. You'll either get told EVERYTHING or told to mind your own business.
They seem like the type of couple that don't think things out enough. Something new becomes something old very fast. Never content.
You're doing the right thing by staying out of it, as hard as it may be.
Youβre doing the right thing by staying out of it, as hard as it may be.
Cheers, I think I was looking for that even if I didnt know it.
Well, you help a mate out. You can't manage their life for them. You've got your own household. Cheers.
oh god, that's because the kid is hearing disrespectful talk and seeing disrespectful behaviour between his parents . π
Possibly, or its part of his development issue. its hard to tell. They keep saying they are seeking help with them, but ever time I ask they seem to be waiting for something.
personally I wouldn't mind whinging, it's just a coping mechanism
it's when they are also abusive to me or are angry when offered assistance that i nope out, iow, is it real or is it a game, is it tragedy or a personality disorder
the woman sounds isolated and in need of an ear, would benefit from joining a mom's group
She sort of expects you to get involved with their shit like bitching about him to you or whatever as if she expects you to fix it? And at first you kind of understand, we all do it to a lesser degree. But after the 8th time of hearing how horrible a situation is that has a really obvious (if uncomfortable) solution it gets tedious as fuck! Yes, life is hard sometimes, but if you never make an effort to fix things it wont get better. A great example is the dog. She'll go "Oh the dog is so hard to manage" "have you taken him to training yet?" "No, not yet, I've just been sooo busy with X" Right.... its been 2 years bro. At at certain point this is YOUR fault.
Agreed they need a support network, just dont think we can be it for them.
Not all effort is visible. The biggest effort a person makes is getting to the psychological position where they are able to understand what is happening , understand themselves and start to look for ways to make change.
If they get angry when they are offered help or helped then it's a game and then I would outright stop. If they are abusive then I would stop.
Playgroups are a lifeline for mums and dads. I still talk to mums who I met through there.
Does seem that they're setting themselves up to fail - and each to have enough material to put the blame on the other. Shit show coming up, so I would suggest distancing yourself - you have enough to cope with with your own responsibilities. They need professional help (and sounds like both need a good kick up the backside too).
There's a reason why airlines stress that you should put on your own oxygen mask BEFORE putting them on your kids.
It gets to a point when people need to face consequences of their actions and decisions.
You can empathize with them without putting yourself out there to help.
There is plenty on your plate to deal with, without the additional complexity of someone's problems.
A diplomatic answer is "I'm sorry that's the situation you're in, but we currently don't have the time and capacity to help". If this person persists and keeps asking 'why not', maybe stop talking to them. 'No' is a complete sentence.
i think I'm just gonna take some space from them tbh. The mental load of just being with them and seeing the struggle was a lot. Came home and joked with the mrs "I know we've got our hands full some times, but maaaan that really puts things in perspective".
As we get older, we realise that not everyone is a positive addition to your life. Obligations to friends (and family) diminish as you start looking out for yourself and your family.
yeah 100%. Got a full time job of being a dad. Can help others float but not at the risk of being pulled under with them.
Good grief. And here I am, early thirties, stressed I'm falling behind.
Don't burn yourself to keep others warm. They both need help, but they need to ask the right orgs. The most I would do is point them towards Ask Izzy if they're struggling financially.
Honestly reckon they just need an adult to come in and go "Right, you do X, You do Y! No not tomorrow, right fucking now!" But good point on burning yourself to keep others warm. We're managing ok where we are right now, but if we're being honest having a toddler is tough some days! Rewarding, dont get me wrong! But tough. We're all running our own race.
Stick to your guns man. Don't hurt yourself to help others when you're trying to balance your own life.