this post was submitted on 17 Oct 2023
153 points (94.2% liked)
Asklemmy
43826 readers
870 users here now
A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions
If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!
- Open-ended question
- Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
- Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
- Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
- An actual topic of discussion
Looking for support?
Looking for a community?
- Lemmyverse: community search
- sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
- !lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities
~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~
founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Since I didn’t see any responses that directly answered the question of what do you DO, I’ve prepared a short guide for a generic social gathering. This guide may be inappropriate in some contexts such as a dinner party or event/tv show watching party, etcetera:
This was probably too much info. I have insomnia. I hope someone reads this.
I have some details that could supplement the outline.
Just for reference. Talk and socialise genarally take up anywhere from 80-95% of total time spent at parties. Generally most other activities include socialising even though they're structured. Beer pong you talk about beer pong and/or make fun of people's throws as well as just regular talking.
For neurodivergent people I recommend searching areas with fewer people, smoking is very convenient in those situations for a break between 3 sets of talking 10 minutes. Alcohol really helps too since it removes some of the talking friction. Dancing is also a good option since it's less talking and is a structured activity that's well received at most parties.
I enjoy parties as a charge of pace and getting rid of loneliness for example. Talking to friends and ignoring the rest is also fun but parties are exhausting imo.
As a neurodivergent person I recommend becoming acquainted with the dance floor.
Just the right amount.
Like a story about a cat with a good friend: short but memorable
God, that sounds miserable. Good to know my neurodivergent ass wasn't missing anything.
I mean, it doesn’t sound fun written out in bullets but parties are usually a great time for my own socially anxious neurodivergent ass lol. That said, besides work events, I haven’t gone to a party where I don’t already know most of the people in years. Jumping alone into a convo of strangers is my hell.
As a neurodivergent, I get through these events by pretending to be an alien anthropologist trying to blend in and study humans. Conversations are usually easy to start by asking, "So, how do you know the host?" Most people enjoy talking about themselves, so if you nod and listen, you'll be popular.
Occasionally you'll meet someone truly interesting. Arrange to meet with them later and follow up. This is pretty much the best way to make friends in the modern age, with intentionality.
There, I fixed that for you
At the "talk and socialize" bullet, I was imagining sidling up to some group I don't know, eavesdropping on their conversation, and standing there like a creep trying to figure out the best time to say anything relevant to contribute, but failing and standing awkwardly in silence until I just walk away.
I'll stay home, thanks.
Haha, I can definitely understand this feeling. It can be difficult to overcome! It doesn’t always “work”, and sometimes you will just stand there awkwardly. The good news is that nobody is going to care or remember. Seriously. You’re basically an NPC to people you don’t know. I’ve been to hundreds of parties in my life and have zero tangible memories of other people’s “awkward proximity”. Nobody cares about you as much as you do, which is slightly sad but majorly liberating.
Yeah same. I never know how to integrate into an existing group
Make a new group consisting of you plus the members of the existing group.
The part where you screw up is seeing yourself as a creep.
I understand others have probably said that to you enough times you just internalized it but you gotta stop believing people when they tear you down.
Good parties are wonderful, the type of party described above does sound miserable but you can choose which parties you want to attend. Personally I like parties that revolve around board games and interesting conversations where the only real social rule is to bring something: cheeses, an appetizer, weird booze, just something so all the provisions aren't the sole duty of the host.
I'm ADHD, never investigated but scoring high on ASD assessments. It can be fun, with the right people. It wholly depends on who's there. I'm usually with the people sitting outside, having fun conversations over a beer and/or a joint. It's just the genetic term for "gathering where there's food and substances". You'll find that you can often meet other NDs overwhelmed by the amount of people and music waiting for you over there. Chill times.
Reading comprehension seems difficult, so I'll go over it again, quoted verbatim from my previous comment:
Here's what you can deduce from this sentence:
Here's what you can't deduce from this sentence:
Why do you do this?
My least favorite thing in the entire universe is having to take time to explicitly spell out what I’m not saying.
I fucking hate that people can’t stop reading extra shit I didn’t write.
bruh
You're not the first one saying a person should arrive late. Why is this a thing? Is it just a cultural norm in the West? Or is it a thing everywhere?
Not late late, just late enough that the host has had time to make sure everything is in order, or just to not be the first guest to show up.
Usually a party lasts at least a few hours, so showing up 30 minutes after the start of the party isn't "being late," it's just showing up to a party in progress. Unless it's a specifically scheduled "arrive at 8pm" kind of affair, in which case the host would mention it and you'd be expected to be there at that time.
I’d add it also depends on your familiarity with the host. Most hosts don’t appreciate if the first guest is a friend of a friend or distant coworker that they feel obliged to entertain while still busy with final preparations. Whereas if you’re a good friend, they can (often) feel more comfortable saying yeah make yourself at home I’ve got last minute things to do.
I imagine it’s an even looser norm in places outside the west, considering the west tends to view time/punctuality as more “concrete” than some others. For some of my friends born outside the west, if we tell them the actual start time of an event we shouldn’t expect them any sooner than an hour after that lol.
It's a really weird thing and something you should carefully consider based on the type of party. The 15 minutes late advice only really applies to getting drunk parties in college.
Yeah if this party is in the Situation Room with the President, you should show up a little early.
Nothing’s quite so awkward as showing up already drunk, dressed wrong, and 25 minutes late to a special briefing about the volcano erupting in Cleveland.
Hi am I good at dancing?
Own it!
Here is an alternative Piped link(s):
am I good at dancing
Piped is a privacy-respecting open-source alternative frontend to YouTube.
I'm open-source; check me out at GitHub.