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You’re speaking directly to me. I am a veteran with PTSD. It was from sexual assault and the accompanying involuntary mental health lock up after I went to the doctor to seek help with my sleep.
I was told I could not claim the sexual assault because I would have been kicked out for sleeping with someone that was married and for being gay (this was before they repealed don’t ask don’t tell)….. I would have been court martial and thrown out they said.
Lucky for me I’m an infantry marine with a combat tour so my PTSD gets assumed to be combat and I don’t have to explain much to anyone. But fuck, how am I supposed to go and talk this out with doctors that I don’t trust? I don’t trust the system at all. I was let down by low command (squad), middle command(battalion command), and high command (regimental command). I was then failed by the nurse (corpsman), PCP (battalion doctor), psych (some fuckface colonel), his nurse (another corpsman), and the facilities personnel (nurses, doctors, psychiatrists).
And to compound on all this, I was involuntarily locked up when I was 14(??) because my parents let me get so fucked up that I blacked out and they called cops saying they didn’t know what was wrong with me……. What was wrong was that I was 14 and handed booze and pills…… the fuck did they expect?!? Obviously both times I ended up getting released but that doesn’t remove the inhumanity of it all. The treatment as if you are “other” to them. Like a dog or some shit.
So I’ve had trauma from psych wards from adolescence and also my time in the marines.
Sorry for the rant. Just triggered so much inside me with your comment.
I don’t know if you’re seeking care (and I hate unsolicited mental health advice on the internet)- but something that has helped me is seeking out specifically a sex therapist about the abuse and the way it manifests elsewhere. Her philosophy is more holistic/social cultural.
I also have another therapist that comes to my apartment. The power imbalance is less scary - it’s my castle.
I also start any convo with a prospective shrink by letting them know that I strongly am against CBT and do not believe that it works for trauma. A therapist doesn’t need to be anti-CBT, but the way that they react to a self-advocate is really helpful in seeing if they respect their patients autonomy or not.
The dicey thing is that our system is not at all set up for dealing with chronic suicidal ideation. There’s so much fear around mandatory reporting, the idea that someone might talk about not wanting to live, go home and off themselves, and whoops! there’s your license. Having a conversation with a prospective shrink about what their “line” is there is very helpful - that you can make Luigi jokes and not be sectioned.