BestofRedditorUpdates

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-11 16:55:53.

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I am not the original poster. Original post by u/throwawayred2blue in r/AmItheAsshole.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: mention of drunk driving, alcoholism

mood spoilers: Tension, resolution, hope

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AITA for telling my fiancé that his best friend can’t be his best man?

Thu, April 30, 2020

I know how it sounds. My fiancé (29M) is an amazing guy - sweet, funny, attractive, and hard-working. I (29F) was impressed with him from the moment I met him and we’ve been together 6 years. We are devoted to each other and working toward building our shared life. We each put a percentage of our earnings into two funds: one for our wedding (which is a year away) and another for a down payment on a home. We each pay the same percentage, but I pay a much larger amount because I went into a higher income field.

We’ve budgeted it out pretty well. At this rate, we’ll have enough to buy a home around the same time as our wedding, as planned. As to the wedding, we both wanted a small one, and my fiancé and I decided to have a destination wedding. We are paying for the entire wedding ourselves. My family’s pretty poor, so I’ve also been saving a portion of my remaining paycheck to be able to pay for all of them to come to the wedding for free. I’m also paying for one of my bridesmaids who went into teaching and doesn’t make much. My fiancé wouldn’t really have the disposable cash to do that, but his family can afford to pay (somewhat wealthy) and is happy for the vacation.

The problem arose last week. My fiancé’s best friend Tom (30M) who he asked to be his best man, got in an accident. It was likely entirely his fault as he was riding his motorcycle drunk. He suffered significant injuries, is going to have some major medical bills, and admitted to my fiancé he doesn’t think he can afford to come. My fiancé wants to pay for him (several thousand dollars) and lend him money to help cover his medical bills. But, especially with everything going on, my fiancé does not have and is unlikely to be able to get the money to do either.

I could afford to do both, but I don’t want to. Truthfully, I can’t stand this friend. He often rides or drives drunk, does not have a job, makes snarky comments about my fiancé that he insists are just jokes (but that I know actually affect my fiancé), and lives in his parents basement while ignoring their well-being. I was willing to have him up there as best man because my fiancé considers him a brother and it’s his choice. I wasn’t happy about it, but I wasn’t about to throw a tantrum about it. But with everything going on, my fiancé has suggested taking a huge chunk of our savings for a house to help, and I said no. We got in a huge fight and he called me selfish and cruel, at which point I lost it, told him his loser friend did this to himself, and that there was no way in hell I’d pay anything for his sorry ass. I ended by saying, “if he can’t afford to come, he can’t be your best man.”

He hasn’t spoken to me since last night and slept in the couch. While I still think I’m on solid footing, I wonder if I went to far. AITA?

OOP added in the comments

Just wanted to clarify: I am not paying for most of my friends. Most of our friends are young, without kids, and with good incomes, who travel a lot anyway. We chose a destination wedding in part because 2 of our close friends had one last year that a group of us went to and enjoyed. We told our friends our plans before making arrangements and made clear that we wouldn’t be upset if anyone couldn’t or didn’t want to join to due to costs. The one friend I’m paying for is one of my oldest friends who I knew wouldn’t be able to afford it because she chose to go into teaching. She also came to the wedding last year, after several of us pooled funds to pay for her, because she chose a meaningful, needed, and underpaid profession. Since I wanted her as a bridesmaid, I just told her straight up that I would pay for her. Same with my family - they mostly don’t have much money, so I have been putting aside part of my paycheck (outside of what we put into shared accounts) to pay for it. If I wasn’t spending it on them, that money would be going into my retirement account.

I am able to do that because I chose a more stressful profession to ensure I’d be able to build up funds. My fiancé intentionally chose a less demanding profession that he really enjoys but that pays way less than he could make with his degree, because he has less concerns about money. His family is well-off, so he never worried about being able to pay for their retirement or medical care. As a result, he has more free time, more enjoyment of his job, but does not have disposable cash right now.

So I’m happy to pay for my friend and my family because I chose to sacrifice a lot of career enjoyment to ensure I would be able to have extra money for things like this, and my friend and family have done nothing wrong. His friend does not deserve anything from me and moreover, I’m not interested in enabling his shitty behavior by bailing him out and paying for a free vacation.

I’m not actually paying for my friend or family out of the joint account. My fiancé and I pay a big percentage of each of our own incomes into joint accounts for various things, but we each keep the remainder of our paychecks as our own personal spending money. I usually spend mine on small things for me, on things for us (like our yearly vacations) or on my retirement funds. To pay for my friend/family, I’ve been putting less in my retirement fund. But none of it comes out of our shared funds; I keep paying the full agreed upon amounts isn’t those.

Judgement: Not the A-hole

 

EDIT

Thank you to everyone that’s responded - I will try to work through all of those this evening. I just wanted to make an edit based on a question/issue a lot of people have brought up: our finances.

To clarify, we have talked about everything, especially financial expectations, to make sure we’re on the same page. My fiancé’s dad is a family law attorney, and as soon as it became clear we were in it for the long-term, he sat us down, discussed with us the common pitfalls he saw that ended relationships, and gave us his advice to avoid them. His advice revolves largely around open communication and setting expectations and boundaries early, especially around money.

So when we each graduated, we talked about the career paths we wanted. My fiancé decided he’d rather take a lower paying job, with normal hours, less stress, and more time outside of work. He wasn’t worried about helping his parents out later in life, because they are very well set up. He also wasn’t worried that much about developing a big retirement account, because he’s very likely to inherit enough to survive on comfortably.

I, on the other hand, likely will not have any inheritance and will want to provide for my parents medical expenses and retirement as they get older. I also have a good amount of student loan debt (he doesn’t because his parents could afford to pay for it) and while we both really enjoy traveling, he’d be willing to cut back on it significantly to have an easier job year-round. I wouldn’t want to burden him with those costs (the ones that I brought into the relationship), as I feel that would natural cause resentment, especially if it meant he had to work a job he enjoyed less to help share the costs with me. So I took a high stress job that I don’t enjoy and that requires me to work longer hours, but that pays significantly more. We agreed we each should be able to make that choice and decided a fair way to handle finances would be to:

1. create a joint account for common expenses: rent, bills, food, entertainment, work clothes. At his father’s suggestion, we put in writing specifically what the fund could be used for, agreed that anything outside that list would need to be approved by both of us, and that if the account is dissolved, we each get back what we put in and we split any interest evenly. We each pay in 35% of our incomes. Because of the difference in our incomes, about 80% of the fund ultimately come from my income, which I think is reasonable because we’re a team, we’re building a life together, and the difficulties of my job invariably affect him too.
2. We create other joint savings accounts as needed for new projects, each the same way - with a written agreement as to what they can be used for. We have one for the house (each pay 20% of our incomes) and one for the wedding (each pay 10%).
3. We each get to keep the remaining 35% for our personal spending. My fiancé does not have that much left over - he has some taken out pre-taxes for a 401k and he uses the rest for his car and a few hobbies. Right now he voluntarily went part-time because his work place was going to need to fire people if they didn’t get volunteers due to the current situation, and we’re in a good position otherwise, so he has pretty much no disposable income. I have a ton, but it goes mostly toward yearly vacations for us, my student loans (I’m paying twice what is owed each month to pay them down), my...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-11 16:53:49.

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I am not the original poster. Original post by u/finlefree in r/amiwrong.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: mention of rape, sexism, harassment, false rape accusations, sexual assault

mood spoilers: anger, conflict, sad

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I (46m) got into a discussion with my gf (45f) that led to a huge fight and now she says if I don't change the way I think, she's gone

Tue, May 23, 2023

My gf was reading an article about that said Any man that has sex with a woman who has been drinking should be charged with rape. She wanted to know what I thought of that and I said I don't think it's that simple and you can't just automatically say that any man who has sex with a woman who has been drinking is a rapist. That's absolutely ridiculous. There are too many variables to consider to make such a broad statement. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, her whole demeanor changed and her response was dripping in condescension.

"Really, what other information would you need. It's seems pretty clear to me". I told her that if she considered that to be clear, I'm a little worried about her sense of free thinking. For instance, the most obvious question, what if they're both drunk? How much does she need to have drunk before he becomes a rapist? What about if the situation was reversed and it was the man that had been drinking? Would that make her a rapist? What if she was the one to initiate the sex? These are all relevant questions to be answered. This is info I would expect to know before just saying a man is a rapist if he sleeps with a drunk woman.

At that point my gf became visibly angry. Her response was "If the woman has been drinking and she has even a buzz, the man is a rapist. If they're both drinking, the man is still a rapist. If she initiated the sex, the man is still a rapist." " Then in the reverse situation the woman is the rapist? " I asked. She laughed with a condescension that made my blood boil and she said "Don't be stupid. The only way a woman could rape a man is if she had a gun or something and forced him to let her shove something up his ass or something. If he gets an erection, it's not rape. ".

I was and still am floored by her hypocrisy and ignorance. Needless to say this argument escalated further than it should have to the point that we were actually yelling at each other. Finally I had to just walk away. I went for a walk and when I got back she was sitting in the couch. Without even looking at me, she said if I don't change my way of thinking immediately, she's moving out. To which I responded, I would offer to help you pack, but you don't need a man's help with that. And I went to bed.

I care about my gf but I'm seriously put off by what a hypocrite she is and even more so by the way she spoke to me. I don't want this to end or relationship, but I also don't want to be with someone that thinks they have the right to tell me I have to change the way I think. Especially since I do not believe what I thought about the subject was wrong. In fact I think she was wrong, but I certainly wouldn't demand that she think differently.

We haven't spoke to each other in about 2 days, walking around the house, ignoring each other. But this morning she said to me, "you know, you are a rapist because we had sex the night of (her best friend)'s wedding." We were both hammered at this wedding and we went back to our hotel room and she initiated some of the most wild sex we ever had. But that last statement was the last straw for me. I told her I would not ask her to change what she thinks the way she demanded I do, but if she really felt I raped her, then we are done and she needs to move out.

I'm heart broken that this is over because I love this woman. But I also love myself enough that I won't allow anybody to tell me my thoughts are wrong and I certainly can't live with someone who believes I raped them. Am I wrong?

 

EDIT

So I have a small update on the matter. I had the day off today and she went to work. She sent me an email that says "I would never call the police on you because I know you never intended to rape me and I completely forgive you. I'd even be willing to forget everything that has happened. All I ask is that you simply acknowledge that you raped me and that men who have sex with drunk women are rapists. That's all I'm asking".

I did not, nor will I respond to that.

 

UPDATE 1:

(Added to post)

I received another email from my gf. In it she said "After talking to my mom and my sister, they both told me I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking that you had raped me. And I've given it some thought, and I no longer think that. I'm sorry for saying that. I know you would never do that to me. "

I gave some thought to it and this time I did respond. I said "Thank you for the apology. And your apology is accepted. Unfortunately, I still can't continue in the relationship. I'm relieved that you no longer feel that way, but it was because your mom and sister told you it was wrong. That doesn't take away from the fact you did believe it and if they had not said what they said or even if they agreed with you, you would still feel that way and that is something I can not rectify in my heart. I feel as though you are a stranger to me and not a stranger I have any desire to get to know. Sometimes what you say cannot be fixed with I'm sorry. This is one of those times. I wish nothing but the best for you and I hope you find someone that will make you happy. I can't be that person. " She has not responded. But after reading all the comments of support from you guys, I realized it would be a mistake to firgive and forget. If she was capable of coming to such an ugly conclusion about me, who knows what else she could be capable of thinking where I am concerned. I'm not willing to find out.

Thank you to everyone that commented. When I wrote this post, I expected that there would be those out there that felt the way she did. So far nobody has. It was a very big comfort to know that other people would not come to the same conclusion she did. I appreciate all of you.

 

UPDATE 2: I(46m) got into a discussion with my gf(45f) that led to a huge fight. Now she says if I don't change the way I think she's gone

Sat, Jun 10, 2023

This is a long one guys, sorry.

I got so many supportive comments on the original post and I can't begin to tell you all what it meant to me. Believe it or not it made the break up a little less traumatic knowing I had a few thousand people behind me (even if they were all strangers). So thank you to all of you. I also got quite a few requests for updates and a lot has happened in the last few weeks since the brake up so I thought I would share for those who care to know.

So the gf (now "ex" gf which she will be referred to as from this point on) was calling me constantly over the next week. It was bordering on harassment. She would apologize over and over and say that she loved me and no longer felt like I raped her and she just wanted to be with me again, etc. I told her repeatedly that while I wished her no ill will, I just felt like we weren't meant to be and she would be better off finding someone less rapey than me. (ok I was harboring a little resentment that may have come off a tad immature at times).

At one point I told my daughter (28f and not from the ex) everything about the break up and what she said about me raping her at the wedding.

If I may digress a little for just a moment, I would like to explain. My daughter was born when I was 17. I pretty much raised her on my own. Her mom was very flakey and was rarely around. But in all fairness, she was only 18 so she was just young and not ready for a child. Not that I was anymore ready, but I knew somebody had to be the parent. So I think because we were so close in age, my daughter and I have a very close bond. We pretty much tell each other everything and no subject is off limits. For example, I was the first person she told when she gave her 1st blow job and then again when she lost her virginity. How many daughters do that?

Because we are so close, my daughter has always been very protective of me. I didn't introduce her to most of the women I dated while she was growing up but the couple that became serious relationships she met and let's just say she wasn't very warm and welcoming to these women. But she was older when I got with my ex and while my daughter was not the most friendly to her upon meeting her, eventually they became pretty tight.

So after telling my daughter all about it (in hindsite it may have not been the smartest move I've ever made) she became so angry that she called my ex (I didn't know she did this nor did I condone it. But how could I be angry with her for standing up for her old man?) She offered to arrange my ex's face for cheaper than a plastic surgeon would and also to remove any teeth to prevent any toothaches she may get in the future. Although she wasn't quite that polite about ...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-11 16:48:04.

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I am not the original poster. Original post by u/canada11235813 in r/tifu.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: Mention of sexual content

mood spoilers: embarrassment, anxious anticipation, reflection

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TIFU by accidentally liking an Instagram photo and now my life is probably over

Wed, July 26, 2023

My (55M) daughter (21F) still lives at home, but has full autonomy here. But I like to know what's going on, so when she texted that she's bringing a few friends over after school, it wasn't to ask permission... just to let us know there might be a few more people over for dinner. No prob... who, I asked? She mentioned a few names I recognized and one I didn't. Let's call her Sally. Who's Sally? Just another friend from Uni. OK, sounds good, see you later.

My idle curiousity led me to Instagram, just wondering who Sally is. I looked up my daughter's IG list of who she follows, and found only one Sally whose profile indicated she attended the same Uni as my daughter. Obviously her.

That would've been it, except her profile caught my attention... because unlike most of her friends who have them set on private, this one was wide open to the public and it's one of these typical young-beautiful-woman profiles full of selfies in exotic clothes and poses. I scroll down a bit and of course there are beach pics from last summer and like any normal red-blooded male, it catches my attention.

No, I'm not into girls my daughter's age, I'm not some perv. But when those sorts of pictures show up on your phone, most guys would be lying if they told you it didn't catch their attention for a closer look.

Anyway, I pause the scroll there and I screw up because I double tap it, and that dreaded big red "LIKE" heart shows up, right on some very revealing bikini pic. My actual heart actually stops for a moment too, I'm sure of it. I instantly unlike it, but, of course, the damage is done. Somewhere, Sally's phone just got a notification that some user whose account shares the same last name as my daughter -- liked that pic.

So, Sally will mention this to my daughter and I will be a dead man, and that's it. It's been nice knowing you all.

I realize there may be a saving grace here, which is that Sally, with her 20k followers and thousands of likes per pic might have notifications turned off, in which case this is a non-issue. Or, she gets so many notifications, she won't notice because she ignores them and then clears them in bunches. Perhaps that's wishful thinking. Or, as per above, I'm dead. I don't really see many other alternatives.

For the moment, until I hear anything from someone, I feel like I'm anywhere from totally in the clear... to dead. Like I'm strapped into Schrödinger's Electric Chair, waiting to find out which way the lever will fall.

TL;DR: Accidentally liked my daughter's friend's bikini pic on IG.

 

UPDATE:

Man, this really blew up in just a short amount of time. I can't reply to every comment, but happy to address some of the common themes... and, below that, what ultimately happened.

One: First and foremost, perhaps it's the way I wrote it, or perhaps it's the way people just want to lash out at others for no real reason because their mind is already made up... but the point is this... there's a tremendous difference between finding something attractive, and being attracted to it. I will freely admit, and call me what you want, that many women in their 20s posing in bikinis are attractive. Am I attracted to them, to the extent I'd approach and message and "shoot my shot" with them? No. But 200,000 years of evolutionary instinct is hard to fight, so if I'm at the beach and a pretty young woman walks by, I'm probably going to look. Like most people, men and women, young or old, for their own reasons, are also going to look. It's not creepy. It's simply being human.

All of these "yOu'Re A pErV!!!!1!!!!" comments lead me to ask you gatekeepers of what's creepy or not the following question. If someone on a beach -- or with a public-facing IG profile obviously meant to get views -- isn't meant to be looked at, who is deciding it? Like in this case, 21F young woman, who's allowed to look at the profile? 25M? 30M? 35M? How about a 21M incel psycho? How about a 65F predatory lesbian? My feeling, clearly not shared by everyone, is that if you're putting yourself out on display, you're going to get looked at. I think that's actually the idea, and there's a far cry between being admired from a distance and having someone actually take it to any next step.

Two: Amused at many people asking for the IG account so they can see for themselves and perhaps flood my like out of the way... lol, no.

Three: I'm convinced she didn't see it because I unliked it right away and as many people are saying, if it's within 5 seconds, it never went out. I'm pretty sure my unlike was within 5 milliseconds.

And, here's the update... daughter and friends and Sally showed up. There was zero hint of anything. No weird looks, no lingering glances, no little giggles. Very nice and normal dinner conversation, and that was it. Then the girls got all dolled up in pink and glossy lipstick and went off to the movies. Probably off to see Oppenheimer.

 

Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/KittenDealinMama on 2023-08-11 16:30:32.

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Originally posted by u/apprehensive-you-913 in r/AmItheAsshole on Aug 3, '23 updated 10 hrs later.

 

Trigger Warning: Mental health, high risk pregnancy, miscarriage

 

Original

Aug 3, '23

 

AITA if I uninvite my SIL who's in love with my husband?

AITA if I uninvite my (32f) SIL (30f), I'll call her Tina, from my baby shower because I think she's in love with my husband? My husband (33m) and I met each other at a ski lodge 9 years ago. I was with my young daughter and a female friend and her child. My husband was with his 2 brothers and 3 sisters and a few friends. There was a singing competition and both of us were set up by our friends to enter it. Sparks flew during our duet and the rest is history. Back to our first meeting. This was the 1st time I caught on to my SIL's disturbing behavior. After the singing competition, he and I went to the cafe to chat. His middle sister, Tina, who was adopted at birth, came storming up to us and demanded he come back to their group. She never looked at me and whined when he shut her down. She ran off crying and apparently took her sister's room keycards and locked them out so they had to stay with the friends in their room.

Fast forward to when we bought a house together. We had a housewarming and invited family and close friends. Tina showed up in a sexy club outfit. She ignored me the entire time and hung all over my husband (bf at the time). She kept recalling tales of them when they were little and how close they were. She'd kiss him on the cheek, hug him, and touched his arm when laughing, he was visibly uncomfortable so I stepped in. At first, I just thought she had a crush on him, but the way she was acting looked like she was the girlfriend and not me. She was going around reminding/telling everyone that he use to say he never wanted to have kids, but now he's playing daddy to my daugther. One of my friends said she thought Tina was weird for talking about how "hot" his modeling photos were when he did print work back in college and that her favorite photo was of them at a beach in Hawaii during a family vacation a few years back.

The most bizarre thing she told a few people was that he had never dated a woman of color before and now all of a sudden he's in love. It's only bizarre to me because she's biracial, so I don't know why this would bother her, unless she's jealous of me because she wished she were me. Then things go south at the end of the night when he gets down on one knee and proposes to me. She started crying and ran to the restroom. Their dad went to check on her and then drove her home. I knew exactly why she was upset, but my husband always equated her behavior to jealously because she never had healthy relationships.

After that tantrum, she skipped our wedding, baby shower, our children's birthday parties, and other family events that we attended. I was fine with extending invitations because I knew she wasn't going to show up. She had some sort of mental break down and was in and out treatment for years.

Now I have to say, I wish nothing but the best for her and I don't know what kind of issues she's going through, but I don't want her disrupting our peace. I'm currently pregnant and our baby shower is at the end of this month. I'm having it a few months early because I'm at risk for going into labor early, like I did with my other two children. My MIL called to RSVP and stated Tina would be riding with them and if it was ok if she brought her new boyfriend. I was surprised because we hadn't seen her in years, but I was apprehensive to agree. Eventually, I did agree and hoped that she resolved whatever caused her so much distress when she was around my family. Well it took all of 24 hours for her to start her nonsense. She text my husband paragraphs at 3am telling him him how she felt about our family.

First, she went on to say how much she missed them being close and how I came in and destroyed their close relationship, when I barely said 50 words to her in 9 years. She asked him if he was happy with his life because again, he use to say he never wanted kids or to get married. She then asked if he thought about her in all this time and if he could meet up with him before the shower and talk alone, face to face. That was the last straw for me. I asked my husband if he knew she was in love with him and he just shrugged and said he didnt't doubt my theory. Apparently, when she was 11, she asked if they could cuddle and kiss and he said no. He admits her behavior since then has always been weird and dramatic, but he didn't pay her much attention because there were many siblings and they all hung out all the time. I asked him if he could uninvite her and this "new boyfriend" because I think she's going to bring drama to our baby shower. He said he wants to talk to his parents first to see what kind of state she's been in, but I know in my gut that she's ready to ruin our day with her theatrics. So AITA for wanting to uninvite her to the baby shower?

Edit: For those of you wondering if anything intimate ever happened between them, the answer is no. I am 100% certain of this. He has a total of 3 adopted siblings (2f and 1m). He says he sees them as blood-related siblings because the 3 of them were adopted at birth. He's the 2nd youngest, and they're all within 1-4 years of each other, so all he knows them as siblings. He said he chooses to ignore her because she's always been dramatic. He's always worried about her physical safety because she's suffered from depression for as long as he can remember so he tries to handle things gently. He's not opposed to uninviting her, but he does want to know what his parents think about her mental state and whether she can behave.

2nd Edit: So I keep seeing something about High School Musical. I'm a little too old to have watched that show/movie, but didn't know about that plot. I changed some details of how we met so this post wouldn't be immediately recognizable, but it's very much, unfortunately, my life right now. My husband is on his way home right now, despite having another 3 hours left at work, because his phone kept blowing up. He didn't sound good on the phone, but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I don't want to call back his mom and other sister to ask what's going on, but I'll try to post an update when, hopefully, we come to a final solution because I'm stressed and over this.

 

Update

10 hrs later

 

*UPDATE: **

This will probably be my last update since my husband and I decided that we need to be completely removed from SIL's drama/trauma so we can focus on having a healthy pregnancy and family life. I have an appointment with a perinatologist (a high-risk prenatal doc) tomorrow morning that was scheduled weeks ago to check on the baby. Thank you to those who were concerned about me and the baby.

So I don't even know where to start, so I apologize if this update seems all over the place. I also have to point out for the person who went through my comment history. I switched the numbers, genders, and event details so I wasn't as easily identified in real life. I have a professional license so if someone recognized me and thought I was being unethical due to the nature of the post (I've avoided certain verbiage because of my job), I could be brought in for a review, which I would much like to avoid so I'm sorry I can't be 100% truthful with all of the details. I tried my best to keep the most important information as factual as possible.

My husband ran home because Tina BLEW UP his phone, texting and calling. Now, my husband ALWAYS texts or calls me on his lunch break to check on me, even before the pregnancy, so I knew something was wrong when he didn't. Since he left Tina on read, she started calling and sending a slew of unwarrented and degrading texts about me and our children, so basically Tina being Tina. He didn't run it by me, but he sent her a long paragraph, which he showed me when he got home, basically telling her off and told her that he would rather never speak to her again than listen to her talk bad about our family. He told her she would never be invited to any of our family functions and that she needed to check herself back into the hospital if she thought their sibling relationship was ever closer than it actually was. He closed it by saying he would let the family know the reason she was uninvited and that he hoped she's either seeing a therapist or would find one immediately. I'm not surprised at his response because the things she said pushed him to that breaking point. I think the worst thing she said was that my 2 miscarriages years ago, which would have been our first child together, was caused because we don't actually belong together and that my body couldn't even carry any of my children to term (32 and 33 weeks deliveries). I expected her to bring something like this up, but I could tell it really hurt him, and that's why he didn't hold back from her. He then blocked her and told me he's changing our phone numbers.

He called his parents and the oldest/bio sister, whom he is close with, and explai...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Stephenallen1977 on 2023-08-11 14:13:06.

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I am NOT OP. Original post by u/throwawaytogetherccc in r/offmychest and r/survivinginfidelity

trigger warnings: infidelity, cancer

mood spoilers: sad and depressing for OOP

 New updates start from 2nd August.

Previous BORU is here.

I am at a loss as to what to do with my (54M) wife (51F) request - 24th June 2023

My wife and I have been married since 2001 and together since 1999. She is the most intelligent, thoughtful, caring, loyal person I know, and I have always thought of myself as fortunate to have met and married her. She is, even today, aesthetically beautiful and men have told her this throughout our marriage. She has always shot them down.

Earlier this year, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer, stage 1 and had a full hysterectomy. I was never concerned about the cancer, it was diagnosed early, dealt with quickly and she made a full recovery. I took time off work to look after her after the surgery and all seemed well. There were some to-be-expected emotional instances on her part and although I am not an emotional person, we dealt with them together.

After her recover, she was insistent that we start “living life to the fullest” and took a 10 day trip to Europe, followed by a trip to Belize. We also have a trip to the UK and Spain/Portugal later this year. I am fine with these things, building memories and crossing bucket-list adventures off her/our list. I also understand that these are a result of feeling fragile on her part. She also took up Yoga, Swimming and healthy cooking classes. I was fully onboard until last week.

Last week she came home from work and told me she wanted a “hall pass”. A one-time opportunity for her to have sex with someone else besides me. She said that since her cancer diagnosis her outlook on life has changed and she doesn’t want to be handcuffed from doing things she wants do. She explained that there is this guy at her work that she has always had some attraction to. He is leaving the company and she will never see him again, so this is the perfect opportunity to sleep with someone else. She said that I could say no of course but that she would “be mad/disappointed at me for an indeterminate amount of time and that it would be confirmation of my male toxicity and insecurity.”

I don’t consider myself to be toxic and if not wanting your wife of 20+ years to have sex with someone else is insecure than I guess I am insecure. I told her that I appreciated her talking to me about this but approval via coercion is not approval. I also said that I do not appreciate her language in describing my, as of yet, unknown reaction to this very large issue that could affect the rest of our marriage/life.

I got up in the morning she basically said that she was sorry for putting such a large decision solely on my shoulders and that to “help” she was taking the decision away from me. She booked a hotel near where her coworkers are having a party/send-off for this guy and she would spend the night there, with him and hoped that I would be here when she got back. That she would answer any questions I have about the night after it happened but not before. She will not tell me who he is or anything about him “because she knows me too well and that I will dwell and obsess over him” and that would make it “too real for me” which is pretty accurate. Her POV is that the less I know the better which contradicts the offer to tell me anything I want to know after it happened. I think she knows I wont want to know/ask anything or she simply will not tell me.

Part of me thinks, at least she has been honest with me and she has been through a lot since finding out she had cancer so maybe I should just let it happen. I certainly have no concept of what she went through so I cannot dismiss how this affected her mental state/outlook on life. Part of me wants to put my foot down and say this is not going to happen and deal with those consequences when they happen. Her BFF called me callous for even suggesting that I wouldn’t let it happen, because I have no idea what she went through. I find it hard to believe that she is OK with the possibility of throwing away 20+ years of marriage over some guy that she has had no relationship with outside of work and that I should just call her bluff. Maybe she thinks similarly that I won’t throw away the marriage because of one encounter. I just don’t know what to do. I empathize with her and then an instant later I am angry with her.

Part of me wants to know who this guy is? What does he look like, what has he got that is so enthralling for her. Is he just a safe option? Is he married? Does his wife know? Would I be a callous asshole for saying No? What can I do besides walking away?

TLDR: Wife battled cancer, won, but now wants to have one night with a soon-to-be former coworker and I have no say in the matter. Accept it or destroy 20+ years of a great marriage.

 

Top Comment from u/Biauralbeats

 Kinda think this is the way your marriage will be from now on. With her epiphany, she wants to relive her life and she is going to do it regardless of your feelings. I think she is being rather selfish and probably only threatens this because she thinks you are beaten down and will simply put up with it. Perhaps not the best time for trips and frills. She wants the single life- let her see what that means.

OOP replies to some comments

She thinks because she will never see this guy again and that I have never met him (supposedly) that it wont really affect me or our marriage in the long term.

I am left with accepting it and never viewing her the same way again or going through a divorce at 54. Not really great options on either front.

I don't know where her head is and the bout with cancer is affecting her in ways that I couldn't possibly imagine. I don't think she believes I will leave.

 

Update my cancer survivor wife wanted a "Hall Pass" UPDATE - 28th June 2023

I received a ton of advice that I couldn't possibly respond to. I do appreciate the people who took time to offer advice in the comments or via PM. It has been an exhausting couple of days.

I was hoping that my opposition to her plans would give her pause, but unfortunately that did not happen. I said I am a hard no, and I am not sure how I will feel about you, if you go ahead with it. I was met once again with “this is for me, it will be one time, what can I say to help you deal with it, you’ll get over it, we were meant to be regardless of the situation” remarks leading up to Saturday.

She left Saturday, ostensibly to meet her coworkers, but in reality fuck the guy. I asked her to text me when she was leaving for the bar and when she did I asked her if she was really going to go through with this. After her response “I am not answering anymore questions tonight, I will see you tomorrow.” I blocked my wife. Then I did something either stupid or brilliant.

I went to the bar where the get-together was happening. Well not the bar but a transit bench across the street. I waited for a long time. It was running through my mind the leading up to this event, that I need to know who this guy was, maybe to compare myself against him. To see what he had that I do not. It was driving me crazy not knowing who he was and what was so special about him that she would ruin a marriage for.

After what seemed like eternity, a woman that I recognized from my wife’s office left the bar and got in a cab. Soon other people started filing out and a whole group came out and people were hugging a man and shaking his hand. I assumed that I had my guy. I didn’t see my wife and had a brief thought that maybe she called it all off. I unblocked her and there were no messages.

Everyone said their goodbyes and left, dude was standing outside for a few minutes and then my wife came out. She looked around, took his hand and started walking away together. Of all the emotions I went through, trepidation, sadness, anger, it was disgust that really encapsulated the event for me. This guy was short, fat, and bald, all the things I cannot compete with. Ultimately, I felt like a pervert for watching from a distance. I followed until they got to the hotel, and then turned around and went home.

I woke up Sunday morning and put a lock on the master bedroom door. I moved her things to the spare room and left a note asking her to find other accommodations as quickly as possible. I visited another friend who is a lawyer and he gave me some sage advice and a couple of recommendations for divorce attorneys and made the introductions. My wife had been calling me numerous time since around 11 or so. Once blocked the calls go to voicemail. I listened to the first couple but felt nothing but some satisfaction when she couldn’t get through to me and she was obviously becoming concerned.

I didn’t want to go home but I left...

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/KittenDealinMama on 2023-08-11 15:51:55.

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Originally posted by u/ilivewithcatz in r/ on July 28, '23 updated on July 31, '23.

 

Trigger Warning: Animal cruelty

Mood Spoiler: cruelty is not super intense, happy ending

 

Original

July 28, '23

 

AITA for kicking out my cousin's boyfriend even though it's my cousin's house?

This happened an hour ago and I havent told my cousin yet.

My cousin "Janna" lost her parents when she was young. Her parents left her with a big house (almost like a mansion) and a lot of assets/money.

She's a few years older than I am and graduated early, and she's also very successful in her field.

Ever since last year, I've been living with her since my college is 20 minutes away. The condition was, I take care of her cats for the most part when she's at work (most of my classes are online). By cats, I mean 15 senior cats with special needs or special medications, 3 foster kittens and 2 other cattos without health problems. She has the space and money to take care of them all. She also has a vet regularly come in. My "job" is to feed them, play with them, give the older ones medicine, clean the litter, make sure nothing is off with the very old ones, and etc.

I take my job seriously and love these cats to death.

Janna has been seeing this guy for a year or two. An hour ago, he dropped by to wait for Janna and surprise her by "taking care" of the cats.

He kept pestering the cats, forcing them to cuddle with him, doing that machine gun cat video thingy, recording tiktoks of him scaring the older and skittish cats. He almost kicked one of the kittens really hard because he was chasing around another cat. I've been telling him off but and trying to give him one of the cuddle bug cats, but he just wants to terrorize the skittish ones.

The last straw was when it was time for meds. Some of the cats are on meds for the rest of their lives and I'm really scared to miss one of their doses. This dude catches the senior cat, manhandled the cat, the poor old gentleman peed on him. He let's go and started to yell at the cat.

That was the last straw. I understand I had no right to kick him out since it wasn't my house. But I just got so angry and started calling him names and told him to get the fuck out. He wouldn't leave at all and I had to ask the neighbor to help me drag him out (very nice dude).

And well, now he threatening me to have my cousin kick me out, and texting me that I had no right to kick him out. And I'm also an asshole for getting strangers involved.

I dont think I was an asshole, but it wasn't my house in the first place. AITA?

Judgment: Not The Asshole

 

Update

July 31, '23

 

Sorry for not responding to the comments, I got extremely anxious about the situation.

My cousin called me as soon as she was done with her meeting. I frantically explained the situation, and I apologized for overstepping my bounds but I thought it was the best that he got kicked out.

Once my cousin got home, she checked up on all the kitties and talked to the neighbor. Neighbor explained that I was begging for help to get this guy out of the house because he was harassing the cats (neighbor knows we have A LOT of cats because of an outdoor-netted catio).

Well, I'm not sure what he said but she dumped him. She said I did the right thing and thanked me. All the locks have been changed just in case. All the cats are okay and back to their happy little routine. :)

 

Reminder, DO NOT comment on the original posts or contact the original poster. I am not the original poster. This is a repost.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2023-08-11 06:04:31.

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I am NOT the Original Poster. That is u/clarityanon. She posted in r/TwoHotTakes.

Trigger Warnings: threatening to reveal someone's identity; blackmail; harassment; abuse

Mood Spoiler: frustrating and angry-making, but still some hope

Original Post: June 22, 2023

Hi all, this is a very weird and specific situation but I’m hoping Morgan and crew see this and can give me some advice even if they’re not anonymous on the channel.

I have a music youtube channel with 300k subscribers. It’s an insane amount of viewers to me and it’s allowed me to live my dream of making music for a living. I am also anonymous.

I don’t want to sound preachy, but I’ve sort of allowed my fans to ‘dream-ify’ me in that since they have no idea what I look like, the ‘canon’/theory is this super attractive goth gamer girl with the perfect body. I am not that. I obviously won’t go into specifics, but I have incredibly low self-esteem and look nothing like what people think. And with the whole Dream unmasking/remask fiasco, I’ve made an even more conscious effort to stay anonymous. I do regret this decision in hindsight, but I made the account when I was 14 and it started gaining traction when I was 16 and I wasn’t comfortable with ‘talking down’ to any new viewers. It’s dumb logic, but it was true to me at the time.

My boyfriend, however, thinks that’s bullshit and that I should show my face because it’ll ‘make my life easier’. I highly disagree. Being anonymous means I can separate work and personal life.

We got into a big argument last year after he told his sister who I was. Luckily, she’s solid and promised not to tell anyone (and I believe her as we’re friends) but it damaged my trust in him. I should have broken up with him then, but I was in a very bad place mentally already, and couldn’t handle a breakup.

Anyways, we got into an argument about it again and I said that my anonymity online is not up for discussion and if he brings it up again, I’m going to break up with him. Then, he threatened to leak pictures of my face and body (NOT nudes, like pictures with my body in them) if I broke up with him.

I don't know what to do. I really don't want my identity out there but would it be 'worth it' to get away from him? I'm sorry if this is dumb, my mind is scrambled.

EDIT: sorry for not clarifying earlier, it totally slipped my mind but he has videos and pictures of me in the studio recording and producing. You can clearly see my face in them, so those videos coupled with other pictures would make it very easy for people to find who I am.

Relevant Comments:

Someone writes a long (well written) Comment on how this is abuse:

"wow I never considered this abuse until now (not sarcasm). idk what I thought it was but this comment has opened my mind.

I have no issue confronting him I just don't think it would change anything. And I don't want to piss him off and him leak my face in the heat of his anger.

I'll keep the last bit in mind though. Thank you :)"

How does he think it will "make your life easier???"

"I don't have a damn clue. I asked him this and he just kinda mumbled his words and said something about how being out and open about my identity is easier than concealing who I am, which I highly disagree with."

Responses to questions:

Thank you for your comment! I'm going to try and answer everything I can.

Is your anonymity like a huge part of your online persona, or just one aspect of many?

I wouldn't say it's part of my persona in the way that Corpse or Dream have it, but people have definitely speculated on my appearance. I've tried not to feed into it by not addressing it but internally, it's caused some issues that have caused me to stay anon.

I know you said that the pictures are of you recording/producing but is there some other type of identifier that clearly shows it is you? Or is your audience aware of what your set up looks like?

They know what the set up looks like and my FL template that I use to produce. The videos are also of me performing outtakes or deleted songs that I posted snippets off.

I’d def look into some legal options like some have already suggested.

I differently will.

Update Post: August 4, 2023 (1.5 months later)

CW: mentions of coercion.

well... he leaked my face. And he chose a damn ugly picture too.

After I made my post, I tried to talk to him about it and got his sister involved. His sister and I are very good friends and she's on my side 100%. It went better than I expected but still not good. He stopped bringing it up for about 2 or so weeks before trying to blackmail me again but in a much more sinister way.

He threatened to post a picture if I didn't do certain sexual acts for him. Acts that are a 100% no go for me. Without getting into details, I managed to convince him that I was sick and he left it for the night.

I managed to move out while he was at work the next day and am staying with his sister and another friend (who both know what happened) and who think he's disgusting.

Then I made a post on my community tab explaining the situation, something someone had suggested to me. I said my ex-boyfriend is threatening to leak my face and that it's not what I want. I said I don't know when or on what website, or if he'll do it at all, but it goes against my wishes and that if they see it, to report it and respect my wishes and not share it. I got a ton of support which really helped.

He posted a picture later that day along with my full name and which university I attend. I had to go to a meeting with the uni who are being surprisingly good about it. I made a police report at the uni's request although I don't think that will do anything.

Both sets of parents know what's going on and maybe I'm just jaded, but I wasn't expecting his parents to be on my side. I think they see how good friends I am with their daughter.

I didn't make a post announcing the face leak to my followers but my comments are filled with support.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. It really meant a lot.

I'm going to log out now for a bit and stay offline for a while.

Marked as ongoing in case OOP updates about legal action taken, if any. Please remember the no brigading rule- do NOT comment on OOP's original posts or dm her.

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/ParadoxicalState on 2023-08-10 16:57:36.

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I am not the original poster. Original post by u/aitafriend00000 in r/AmItheAsshole.

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: NONE

mood spoilers: conflict, emotional resolution

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AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?

Sun, Aug 02, 2020

So I have this friend ‘Bill’, and we’ve been friends since we were kids and we are now both 30. He’s one of my closest friends, and we normally have a great relationship.

When I was 19, I moved away from our hometown, went to uni, did some travelling, and have now settled in a town several hours away. I have a good job, great friends- I’m pretty settled.

Two years ago my great uncle died and left me some money, and since then I’ve been saving as much as possible and I now have enough for a house deposit, which I’m pretty thrilled about. I’ve started looking for places and I’m hoping to buy a two bed flat in the town I live in.

Bill has not done so great; he still lives with his parents in our hometown and has worked in the same supermarket for years. I have no issue with this but sadly Bill is miserable because he hates his job, hates living with his parents, and is generally unhappy.

For several years I tried to encourage Bill to move out, and I offered him to move in with me (rent free) for a couple of months so he could get himself together. Bill always declined, and I probably stopped mentioning it about 3/4 years ago.

So the situation: Bill knew I’d been left this money by my uncle, but a week ago we were chatting on the phone and I was telling him about viewing a flat soon. Bill straight up asked me if he could live in my spare room whenever I purchased my placed. We haven’t talked about it in so long, so I basically said I would think about it and let him know. Bill seemed pretty unhappy by this (I think he was expecting me to not hesitate) but said he hoped I made up my mind soon.

A few days ago, I called Bill back and said unfortunately I don’t think it’d be a good idea and he was so angry but also sad, it was horrible. The conversation was pretty long but he basically accused me of ‘lying’ to him, when I offered he could live me, and said I was a terribly unsupportive friend ect. ect.

The thing is, I was like 24-26 when I offered Bill my sofa, but life is different now. I have a girlfriend, a goddaughter who I want to sleep over lots, and now I’m a bit older I just don’t want to share my living space. Also, I hadn’t said anything to Bill about living together in years and he’d never mentioned it.

I feel really bad about this situation and when I spoke to a mutual friend, she just said it would be nice for me to let Bill stay with me for a bit, but otherwise ‘didn’t want to get involved’ in the argument.

I feel like such an arse but AITA?

Top Comment

Of course you’re NTA. People on Reddit are going to tell you he’s entitled and you should drop him, etc etc. But, my view of truth is, it sounded like he just banked the idea that he’d always have the option of living with you if things got really bleak. They likely are, but life has also moved on so, you’re not in the position to make the same offer. There is no problem in that. Friendships lie and grow in these difficult situations. He probably can’t see beyond his pain and frustration at the world right now. However, I’d recommend you let him know you’re always going to be his friend and hopefully, once he’s in a place to see beyond the hurt, you can pick up your friendship.

Judgement: Not the A-hole

 

UPDATE: AITA for not letting my friend live in my spare room?

Mon, Aug 31, 2020

I wasn’t sure whether to post an update, but actually this sub really helped me. However, judging by the responses I got, I’m not sure whether anyone will like what happened!

I first had a conversation with my girlfriend, we’ve only been together a year and I’m buying the flat completely on my own, but there was certainly a suggestion that she might move in with me depending on how things go in the next few months or so. She was (and generally is) pretty wonderful, and she’s also met Bill and knows what he means to me. She said if I wanted to offer him my spare room for a few months then I should go for it.

Then Bill. I won’t go into too much detail but I laid it all out for him. I basically said that I didn’t want a roommate and that now that I was in a relationship, my privacy was even more important to me. I said that it was important Daisy (my goddaughter) also felt at home in my place, so the spare room was basically going to be hers. I then said that he was one of my closest friends and I’d do anything for him if I could. I said that he could move in with me, rent free, for three months, providing he got a job and saved up some money to rent a room somewhere after. We ironed out a few more details but that was the general gist.

It was really emotional, Bill kept apologising and we both cried- but it was a good conversation.

The reason why I wanted to update is because u|brecollier wrote this comment, which was downvoted:

NAH but these are the times I hate this sub because the bar is so low. No you aren’t an AH, but you have the opportunity to change a close friend’s life. None of those are good reasons why you can’t, they are reasons why you don’t want to. You should do better than not being an AH and be a really good human and let him come live with you.

I really appreciated all the responses to my post, but they did initially make me righteously angry, if that makes sense? Through my N-T-A validation, I was kind of getting annoyed at Bill, thinking ‘what right did he have to my home, and how dare he be mad about an offer I made 4 years ago’. And then I read the above comment and suddenly thought, yeah, he’s got no right to be mad at me but if he really is one of my best friends, then surely I should help him if I can? And the fact is, I totally can.

So there you go, Bill will be moving into my new place, and in the meantime I’m gonna help him rewrite his CV so he can start to look for jobs in my town. Maybe this is a bad decision, and this sub has certainly made me realise I don’t owe him anything, but it still feels like the right thing to do.

Thanks Reddit!

 

EDIT:

Holy crap guys! I did not expect so many replies/comments! Thank you to everyone who replied, and especially thanks to the lovely person who messaged offering support for Bill to write a cover letter.

Just to clarify, I'm a girl, not a guy :)

I do appreciate the people warning me not to do this but my mind is made up and I really think it's the right decision. I understand it may not work out but I believe in Bill, and our friendship, and know he wouldn't do anything to intentionally hurt me. If I'm allowed, I'll write an update in 3/6 months (not sure how the rules of updates work in this sub?) and hopefully I can give you all good news!

OOP added in the comments

Tue, Sep 01, 2020

Just to say my girlfriend is 100% supportive and doesn't live with me at the moment- but hopefully she will in the future if I don't mess anything up :P I think my goddaughter will be fine, I'm seeing her today and will talk to her about it. I'm going to tell she can paint the room any colour she wants when Bill moves out and I think that'll be enough to keep her happy 'cause she's only 7 :)

OOP tried to make a final update a year after the first update but it was removed by the mods and her account has been inactive since then

 

Reminder - I am NOT the Original Poster!

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2023-08-07 16:08:35.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Lalavandelatulipe

Ex-fiancée wants to catch up after he left me at the altar, how do I proceed?

Originally posted to r/Advice

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a parent, abandonment, infidelity and mentions of PTSD

MOOD SPOILER: Positive for OOP

Original Post July 19, 2023

Well exactly what the title states, also I’m writing this on mobile sorry for any formatting issues.

My (28f) ex-fiancée “Derek” (32m) disappeared the morning of our wedding 2 years ago, evading all attempts to reach him from myself and his family. It was devastating, absolutely soul crushing, the event turned into a party to distract from the pain of the unknown, afterwards I returned to our apartment and slept on the bathroom floor in my wedding dress. It was quite the ugly sight to be honest. His mother ended up coming to the apartment when she informed me tearfully that Derek had run off with an ex of his, they had apparently reconnected a week prior to wedding and he just couldn’t go through with it opting instead to rekindle his relationship with his ex. His family was horrified, I didn’t hear from him until 3 months after he left. He called me, apologised and then revealed that his ex had been hiding his child from him that he just found out about, he wanted to be with them. That’s pretty much all that was said, I didn’t say much, actually I think I only said “hello”. The whole situation left me numb, I just didn’t care anymore. Thankfully though my friends were and continue to be there for me, through all of this muck, they encouraged me to seek therapy and work on healing. Which I’ll be honest was terribly difficult, but after year I felt myself again.

Which brings me to today, after the this whole debacle and subsequent self improvement/rebuilding I moved to the UK (originally from Australia) for a change in scenery. Last night I got a message request on instagram, it was Derek. “Hey 👋🏻, I’ve heard you moved to Wales, that’s so cool, I’m travelling to Cardiff towards of the end of July. I’m deeply sorry about everything and I want to discuss what happened leading up to the wedding. I hope Im not overwhelming you, let me know if you’d like to talk over lunch.” Firstly, no idea who told him about my move. Secondly, I don’t know if I crave closure from him, but I also don’t won’t to decide to decline to only layer on regret my decision.

So I turn to you strangers of the internet, what should I think about before reaching a decision? Would be wise to decline or should I humour him and listen to his “reasons”?

Okay minor update: Wow, this garnered far more attention than I anticipated, so bare with as I try to navigate all of your advice. Although the general consensus is quite clear. I have learned that an old mutual friend of ours revealed where I moved, and evidently he’s been stressing that he needs to tell me something. For the time being I have decided to simply ignore his message, and work through any emerging feelings with my therapist. Thanks

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Sparky81

The ball is entirely in your court. Do you feel you need anything from him? Do you need an explanation or closure? You don't really owe him anything so it's entirely about what you want from this.

OOP replied

It sounds pathetic, but I guess I want to the why a bit more in-depth. Yet again learning it won’t change anything from the past, thus brings me to my conflicted state.

Update July 31, 2023

Hello everyone, I did update in my original post but I've decided to repost it here. So as I mentioned previously I decided to not respond to his message. A day after however, I received another message from him, which I won't write out in it's entirety. To sum it up for you all though, he apologised for how disingenuous his initial message was and explained why he had reached out to me. Essentially he wanted to discuss that week, that final week before our wedding and the events that led up to him dipping out. Now I will refrain from entirely delving into my exe's and I's past, but my ex-fiancé was diagnosed with PTSD with avoidant attributions from past experiences. His diagnosis did provide quite a bit of clarity looking back our relationship and his past behaviour, so I truly feel for him in his journey of self-healing. However, despite his struggles I still told him that couldn't forgive him for his callous act of living me in a perpetual state of limbo for 3 months, unsure of why he had abandoned me. He said he understood. Now, and some of you will be quite mad with me, but I ultimately agreed to meet him for lunch and I do not regret it. He's not with his ex, actually she passed away 6 months after he left me the alter, which is part of the reason why she reached out to him in the first place. Since then he has been working on himself through therapy, and navigating single fatherhood. Yes the child is his.

The lunch wasn't too long, but it was all around, cathartic on both sides. At the end of the lunch, he handed over an envelope which contained the all money we spent preparing for the wedding. Honestly I was dumbfounded, it wasn't a gesture I was expecting on his behalf, and I think he was taken aback when I returned the ring he gave me. It's funny I held onto the ring just in case I needed to sell it if my finances continued to be unstable, but I never had to. Ironic that in the end I did receive money whilst seemingly trading that ring. He looks better, and not to toot my horn but I feel I do as well. Now that chapter has concluded and I no longer feel rage or remorse, I feel free. I feared that I might've still harboured feelings for him, but I have since found that I loved him for the man he was in that moment when we were together, and though we're now apart I'm okay with looking back and acknowledging the love I had for him. I've closed that chapter now, with him, with the woman I was with him. Thank you all so much, any advice on what I should spend the money own? Haha.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP