this post was submitted on 10 Mar 2024
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Am I in the wrong for not visiting my brother regulary? (lemmy.world)
submitted 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) by Grogon@lemmy.world to c/askmen@lemmy.world
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Hey!

I don't know where to ask this question but I think I will give it a shot here, under men.

I never was close with my brother but we saw each other every few months at parties, festivals etc. Two years ago his wife and him got a son and at that time I was planning so many things (new job, house construction planning) so I only made it like once a month to him. He lives about 32 kilometers one way from my home, so not too far and too close for me.

Now a half a year ago our house finally came and we have to do all the indoor work (framing construction, drywalls, everything.) and I have no time to visit him. If I do find time I could visit him I choose to play video games to relax or simpley do nothing.

He never asked to help me with my house and I still visit him once every 2 months and give his son presents but I just don't have the energy to visit him.

It's kind of a weird relationship. We don't dislike each other. My mother visits him every monday but they never talk with each other. My mom gets ignored by him and if he talks it's mostly begging indirectly for money, clothes, the house... (my mom will own her mothers house when my grandma no longer lives) and he keeps saying: "If only we had a house and not an apartment" etc. so he isn't asking for the house but my mom feels like he is trying to say he wants the house cause my mom wouldn't need such a big house for herself.

I told my mom to not give it to him, he never visits her and he never visits my grandma with his child.

I don't know what to do with my brother. He is older if this changes anything. If I wouldn't call or write him he wouldn't - atleast I don't think so. The longest I haven't wrote him was three months and he didn't write in that time or call so I gave up and called him that I am stopping by if he is home. Was there for an hour and left again.

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[–] elephantium@lemmy.world 29 points 8 months ago (2 children)

Anytime I feel uncertain about whether I'm talking to relatives "enough", I remind myself that the phone works both ways.

[–] Psythik@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

I was out celebrating my birthday with my best friend, when he says to me, "man I hate that I always gotta be the one to reach out to you." I responded with "and I hate that I always gotta be the one to reach out to you!" He dropped me off at home after a meal and some drinks and we never spoke to each other ever again. That was twelve years ago.

I miss you, Matt W.

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 0 points 8 months ago

But that only matters if your goal is determining which of you is better than the other.

[–] runwaylights@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago

I can relate to your situation. I have two older brothers and I don't speak to them much. I only see them on a couple of occasions. And it's my choice that I don't see them that much. I found that every time I visit them or they visit me they just sap my energy. I don't get anything good from the relationship, only frustration and the feeling I can't be myself. When I speak to them it's either about how good their life is or how they don't agree with my choices. So I decided it would be better if they aren't a large part of my life. And my life is better and more relaxed because of it. Don't let a 'blood bond' fool you into a one-sided relationship.

[–] Che_Donkey@lemmy.ml 9 points 8 months ago

Relationships with families are two way streets.

If he chooses not to communicate or to visit with you then that's on him. You have no obligation to keep something going if you are the only one holding up your end.

[–] wesker@lemmy.sdf.org 7 points 8 months ago

Do what feels right for you. Families are complicated, and sometimes the only bond we end up sharing is genetic. Maybe it's his turn to put in the effort, should he choose to.

[–] sin_free_for_00_days@sopuli.xyz 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

That road goes both ways. Do you invite your brother over? Relationships, even family ones (sometimes especially family ones), need to be worked on. They aren't just some magical thing like back in school as a kid where you are forced to be around your family and/or friends pretty much daily.

[–] Grogon@lemmy.world 5 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

I told him two times that he can come over but nothing ever happend. My mom said that he told her that he doesn't come cause gas is to expensive.

But it's weird cause he can come over to our town and park his car at the house but leave to his friends and party. My mom said he was at the bank but didn't bring his son so she could watch for the kid in that time. He left without stopping by even though he saw my mother was at home (her car was next to him).

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 1 points 8 months ago

I think first you should articulate to yourself how this makes you feel. You didn’t mention feelings at all in your post.

Then, once you’ve figured that out for yourself, tell him too.

[–] Maalus@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago

You talk about not having time for him, but that's bullcrap. The work will still be there regardless. And even if not, it takes like half an hour to drive 30kms to visit. If you wanted to, you could make the trip after work, be there for an hour and go back. So could he. It seems like you don't want him to visit, and you don't want to visit him.

[–] ikidd@lemmy.world 1 points 8 months ago

I mean, there's two sides to every story, but he sounds like a douche. Especially when he can drive over to visit friends but not you.

I wouldn't waste much energy on him.

[–] intensely_human@lemm.ee 1 points 8 months ago

Am I in “the wrong” by not visiting my brother regularly

Why do you say “the” wrong? What is the problem here?

[–] BakerBagel@midwest.social 0 points 8 months ago

I have a strained relationship with the brother (2 years younger) who lives a 6 minute walk away and a great relationship with the brother (8 years younger) that lives 1000 miles away. I was a shitty teenager back in the day, and he had a really manipulative girlfriend 6 years ago that isolated him from the family as much as she could. It took years to repair the damage after she was out of the picture, but it's still a functional relationship.

You don't actually owe your family anything, but the flip side is that they don't owe you either. If you see him every couple months to chill with your nephew, that's just fine. Some people are best friends with their siblings, others hate their guts and don't talk to them for decades.