You have no idea how much I want this to be true.
this post was submitted on 04 Feb 2024
437 points (96.6% liked)
The Onion
4504 readers
707 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
I'd much rather have the man disappear into the irrelevance he came from
Not enough schadenfreude.
It's the ultimate schadenfreude, he's already broken completely as a person, then to blow away like so much dust
That's fine, but can Elmo make him cry first?
Probably already does.
Be like them and just pretend it’s true because it feels good
I call that nibbling the onion.
This sounds so like Jordan Peterson! 😂
"Post-modernists like Elmo don’t understand they actually advocate for mass killing – is that what you want? Well, then – no way. Sorry. Not me. I won’t stand for it.”
It just needs an "eh" at the end!
I love how Peterson whines about post-modernism while claiming to be a neurologist and only having a psychology degree.
He's stretching his intellect beyond its means.
Is it intellect if he has a distinct lack of it?
Like butter scraped over too much bread.
I can't find him claiming that apart from a Reddit mention of a YouTube video which is unavailable (tried with VPN from Australia, Spain, UK).
Try Canada, I got a clip of it
That worked. Thanks. What a sleaze that guy is. I will cite this to shut down anyone who wants to praise him.
Elmo is just a little monster and sometimes Elmo forgets to clean up because Elmo is busy learning, playing, and making new friends. Elmo thinks it's important to have fun and be happy too. Elmo tries to clean up, but sometimes Elmo needs a little help. Maybe we can clean up together! What do you think, Mr. Peterson?
"You know who else liked to clean up? Hitler; the physical manifestation of the archetypical monster inside all of us, bucko.
Niche once said, am I'm paraphrasing here: when you stare into the monster, you'll find the monster staring back at you.
And that's no joke, you could very well say that the monster is the metaphysical lobster who pops bendodiazapine's like a three year old with a sugar addiction.
And you know what happens then? You become the embodiment of Peter Pan, the boy who never grows up, and that's you Elmo, you're at least fifty years old, and you refuse to clean up your bedroom."
incoherent sobbing
“In many ways it’s good to see Mr. Peterson show the young men who follow him that it really is OK for men to cry. Trying to be stoic 24/7 can lead to serious outbursts and doesn’t allow loved ones to know when these men need support,” Klein said. “That being said he could suck it up a bit – dude cries all the time.”
I see the old school The Onion has been reincarnated, in all its original surrealistic glory. This story is an absolute goddamned masterpiece.
Edit: It's not The Onion, it is far superior
This is probably one of the funniest satire pieces I've read in a while.
I could see it
Elmo wants a tickle
sad kermit noises