Autism

I'm old, but it took a lot of time to network/socialize. I know there's books/material to socialize now. I have learned to grey rock, and just go neutral with giving a response to most situations.

This is a learned thing. No one teached us this back in the 80s or earlier. Life isn't easy, we learn as we get older. Yes, it's hard, but if some random person asks about your day, just say "great, how about you?". Put the focus back on them. Let them talk. Just listen. Oh, their grandma passed away last week? "Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. Let's remember her legacy, and know that she lived to her fullest."

We are all still animals at the end of the day. You can make mistakes! Learn from them, and move on. Learn as you go.

I believe that part of the problem - at least in my case - is that typical person immediately sees 3-4 possible generic answers to such questions.

For me... It's like opening Pandora Box and have the brain flooded with not just answers but long chains of interactions, where none leads to anything positive. A "simple" question is like like an abyss that's gonna suck you down and exhaust you while you're trying to escape it so much, that you feel like lying down and trying to remember that air is meant to be inhaled again after it's exhaled...

There was this scene in the original Terminator movie, where the robot sees the spinning list of possible answers to "cat question". For me, this list doesn't stop. Even when the conversation is already finished, the list continues to spin.

I'm not autistic, but I got sick of this stupid expected "how are you?", "fine" nonsense. It's meaningless. Now I just give a quick honest answer. Nobody really finds it weird and it makes for much more engaging non-monotonous interactions.

You can even answer negatively if you manage to tone it right. "Eh, bit stressed", but then in a positive, non-confrontational, tone just add "but how are you?".

As long as you keep it brief, the other person can question it if they are genuinely interested, and then you can have actual conversation, or they won't if they're not really interested, it works fine either way.

I’m not neurodivergent, but small talk is fundamentally a conversation with no other purpose than to maintain, build and express social relationships. There’s no substantive information being passed. So I guess it is a concentrated dose of some people’s worst nightmare.

By the way - there’s nothing wrong in a brief truthful answer if you a feeling a bit down, or you pulled a muscle in your neck or whatever

I just answer honestly. I don't have time to be a fake person.

I worked customer service for some jobs and have a system. If people ask how you’re doing, they don’t want an answer. They want you to say something corny and friendly, use the same tone and accent they do.

Now I understand why I don't have a problem with small talk. The people I make small talk with aren't assholes!

Don't lie then, just go "Eh." and shrug.

In Finland nobody asks you that and if somebody does, everybody gives a direct and correct answer. It is one of the perks in any Finn that makes it hard for us to discuss with Americans if we're not used to them.

Here's my attempt at a hopefully helpful explanation:

Almost always the small talk itself isn't meant to be a "real" conversation. It's deliberately surface level and repetitive because of this. Think of it like a verbal handshake. A standard greeting that is essentially "I am initiating a conversation" but with an extra layer obscuring that because communication is complicated and there's a ton happening under the surface.

There's a little judgment step prior to engaging in actual conversation to establish that a conversation is or isn't about to happen, if this person is friendly, are they communicating on the same level, etc. The small talk has essentially lost its literal meaning entirely and is all subtext to establish these things. "How's it going?" is just them initiating the conversion protocol, and so taking it literally is like sending back an error message.

If you feel saying "good" to a question like "how's it going" is lying, it might be helpful to think of the question as not actually a question but just a collection of random sounds we've assigned to starting up a conversation and the replies are no different. They aren't actually asking, the words don't even mean that in their head, and your answer just needs to fall into the right parameters that show you're doing the same. Or just have a few "canned" responses that are ready to go so they don't need much thought or sarcastic so you don't feel like it's lying. I'm a fan of "oh you know, livin' the dream" or "I'm surviving" for these sorts of things.

If they actually want real conversation, it'll come after the small talk has established the connection.

For me, I realize that I need to just say a couple of words to make it a pleasant exchange, but not being able to really share my feelings feels frustrating, kinda like how a kid feels frustrated when they need to moderate their feelings. A lot of the time I'm really exhausted and unhappy too so that makes it worse that I can't vent and have to moderate myself cuz I'm in a perpetual state of trying to keep my mask from slipping from burnout

Serious question from a non neurodivergent. Why don't you tell the truth? What's wrong with that?

Sorry, just for me to understand because I have no experience

"I am functioning within specified parameters."

This is one of the main reasons I switched to saying Happy Saturday. No one really want to answer the "How are you" question and I probably don't really care unless you are family. Saying Happy Day is also passing on joy.

It gets better over time. I think working on self awareness helps. If we have a better idea of how we actually feel we can at least answer honestly. It's a little trickier when concealing the truth is required. I had a boss who often paused for a moment and said 'I don't know' when people asked 'how are you?' It disarmed people and they tended not to ask. He made no effort to engage in small talk and that suited me. Looking back he must have been on the spectrum.

Also it inflates the meaning of the question. It took me quite a lot of time to realize that my friends ask me how I am and really want to know it.

(I'm not autistic fyi.)

Ah, so fear of "accidental lying" isn't just me and is in fact an autistic trait?

Honestly, I have had thoughts of just unloading any baggage on my mind onto the person initiating small talk, with the goal of making them uncomfortable.

Stranger: Hello sir, how are y-
Me: My day was fucking horrible. First, my car caught a flat tire, then my cat vomited all over my carpet, and then this random person on the internet who I don't know called me a jollock and blah blah blah...

It'd make them feel how I feel when strangers come up and talk to me.

I hate smalltalk. It's a waste of time.

Dan's final comment succinctly calls out the situations which irk me the most. You asked me how I'm doing. I answered honestly... and now you're going to judge me for that? Yeah, nah. I'd rather just not answer at all, thanks, instead of dealing with that bullcrap.

Which, over the course of time, led me to the analytical conclusion that more often than not, most people don't actually care how -- or even if -- I answer at all, unless I make the "mistake" of answering honestly when I'm not feeling perfectly peachy. That's why I almost always answer with something vaguely nonsensical when asked how I'm doing by random strangers, such as, "Howdy, howdy!" Most of them are so locked into their autopilot that they only ever hear that first syllable, and immediately think I just asked them how they're doing... so they reflexively toss back their obligatory, "Oh, I'm fine." Once in a blue moon, one of them will skip a beat and realize what I actually said just after their reply, making the passing interaction vaguely uncomfortable for them. Which, you know... is actually just fine by me, since that's how I feel almost all the time.

Hey there, how's it going?

"Good!" - feeling alright

"Hanging in there" - feeling a little rough but pulling through

"It's going" - bad/tired (existential)