Me when I get to work:
this post was submitted on 15 Jul 2025
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That was young me. Old me gets up early regardless of anything because my body decides so, and has at least an hour to himself before the chaos starts.
True story. I started studying for a final basically the night before the final, but quickly realized I just wanted to play video games instead.
So I spent an hour and a half pulling up all my previous scores in the class, including two copies of the syllabus from two places just to be sure. I made a spreadsheet (in OpenOffice at the time, haha) laying out the scores and weighting them a few different ways per interpretation of the syllabi.
All models basically indicated I could skip the final and sleep in and, worst case, still pass the class by something like 1.2%. I checked, double checked, triple checked my figures.
...and then I spent the night playing video games and purposely didn't set an alarm the next day.
I was very relieved to have passed the class by the 1.2%.
I was not a good student. I do not advise this. I think I graduated by like 0.1 above the minimum required GPA.
You gamed the system to maximize game time. You did good.
If it makes you feel any better, I was a good student and I would also calculate the minimum score needed to pass things and would half ass or skip finals that I only needed a low score for
And then something unexpected happens and you're five minutes late
But at that point it was completely out of your control, there was nothing you could have done
5 minutes, 3 hours. at that point what’s the difference?
It's human nature to act like you're in a really bad horror movie when you're crunched for time.
Wake up and spill your glass of water
Put your underwear on backwards and don't notice until you're fully dressed
Drop the toothpaste cap down the drain
Need to poop but constipated
Make a mess putting together your smoothie then drop it on the floor when you're done
Put your shoes on and realize you don't know where your car keys are
Find them in the freezer beside your dead parakeet you plan on burying later
Drop the keys locking your front door
Drop the keys unlocking your car
Drop the keys between your seat and centre console, but it's ok because you have a push to start
Hit every red light
Stuck behind legally blind geriatrics the whole drive
Get out of the car and spill your coffee
Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil's crack aka between the seat and centre console
Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt
15 minutes late for work but it's ok. You remember you were fired last week for being chronically late.
Are these supposed to be individual events or a sequence?
Either way, I hate it.
Close the door and remember your keys are still in the devil's crack aka between the seat and centre console
Once I did this after leaving my car windows cracked overnight. When I reached down to retrieve them, I crushed a roach under my fingers. I hated it. And didn't feel clean the rest of the day.
Scrape up your hand reaching into the crack and accidentally wipe blood on your white dress shirt
Once I did almost this. I filled my car with gas on the way to work, tripped on the gas hose, shredded my pants, skinned my knee and got blood all over my white dress shirt. I hated it. Fortunately my then-boss was understanding.
Need to poop but constipated
This happens to me a lot. I hate it.
Get out of the car and spill your coffee
I don't drink coffee. It's too bitter. I hate it.
It's the exact sequence that lead to the birth of the joker
...but man, am I bad at math
Get out of bed early
Log in to work laptop
Go back to bed
Sleep in that much longer
Profit
And end up being late every day anyway ✅
funny because my work is literally 30 seconds from my bed and I'm still late :(
Exactly literally this!
Making a plan & figuring out which activities to cut to still make it in time to get to the office I was supposed be at 30 minutes ago.
You guys are on time?
Every. Fucking. Night. (I work 3rd shift)
Jess.
Jess.
ФА -1 +1
That's not a very difficult calculation.
What's the answer then, smartypants?
ФА
And what's that?
They will tell you about algebra when you move to 3-4th grade.