"Human"
this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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That's poly. There's many ways on how to deal with these feelings, but acknowledging them and knowing that these aren't wrong feelings, nor signs of "wanting to cheat" is definitely the first step.
After that, it's very important to speak about this with your partner, so they too can acknowledge that this is a thing and can understand ehen you talk about such feelings (in order to make sure they don't think you're wanting to cheat). Partners sometimes have a hard time dealing with it, been there, it sucks.
Once you've built that transparency, there's many ways to go. Generally, people tend to try out more open ways of relationships, but there is no such thing as "a universal open relationship", every has to figure things out by themselves, with their partner(s).
As someone who's poly herself, I can tell you that anything related to relationships has just turned into "hardmode".
Either you suppress your polyamory and continue staying in a mono relationship. Been there, it didn't work out for me long-term.
You can try and open the mono relationship up a bit, defining key things you're (both) allowed to do. This can include flirting, kissing, non-commiting sexual acts (one night stands), non-commited relationships ("dating" but without any commitment, "I might be gone at any time depending on circumstances with my partner"), dating with commitment (having 2 partners at the same time), in which you can also seperate between having a "main partner" and a "side partner".
Throughout all of this, open, transparent and completely honest communication from everyone involved is mandatory, setting rules and boundaries and accepting them is essential, communicating clearly to new partners where you stand and how those rules are set is paramount.
Love is a strong emotion, it can make you fly over the skies, but it can also pull you into deepest, darkest depths. It's your responsibility to ensure that the latter is being limited, for you and everyone involved, basically damage control. You will fail often, but that's just how love is, in mono as well as poly relationships, although such failures hit you harder when in poly relationships.
One of the most important pieces of advice I can give you is to not be ashamed about this, about being poly, about falling in love with people randomly. It's the same as with any other thing in the LGBTQ+ space, you can't decide about it, you just are.
Oh right, and one of my biggest points of advice: never commit to more then 3 partners, ever. The time investment is too high to handle it and you will burn yourself out.
There's a lot more things I could write, but I guess this is the "poly 101". If you have any questions, feel free to reach out :)
Dropping a few resources here which touch on the topic of polyamory:
- The multiamory podcast an extensive, long running podcast with dedicated episodes to hundreds of topics on polyamory.
- Everyone classically recommends polysecure which is how to apply attachment theory to polyamory, but I think in this case polywise the newer release by the same author is more pertinent as it's about navigating changes in relationships - opening up a relationship or changing in some fundamental way how you two (or more) interact with each other.
- The ethical slut which is more about non-monagamy than it is about polyamory (you could argue it can be about hierarchical poly of a particular flavor) but in general it's good to help start deconstructing parts of the relationship escalator and just what is on or off limits in a relationship.
- Speaking of the relationship escalator, stepping off the relationship escalator is a great book on some of the tenets of relationship anarchy and continuing to help deconstruct them.
- There's a lot of resources online such as this one on relationship anarchy if you just start searching the web.
Hopefully one or more of these resources will resonate with someone. Would also like to mention as a relationship anarchist and someone who's been practicing poly for a long time that I'm around if you have questions as well 💜
This is an excellent explanation with so much information that I have learned the hard way! Especially the points about not being ashamed, emphasis on communication and boundaries, and not stretching yourself too thin with too many partners.
Depending on your needs, your partners' needs, and your (possibly multiple) relationship style(s), I'd say even three partners can quickly become a "full time" endeavor, which could end up with nobody feeling fulfilled if you're not careful (plus the burnout is a very real threat)
I'd also emphasize more that opening an existing mono relationship to become ethically non-monogamous is a very difficult thing, and it's very easy for your partner to take it poorly for one of a million reasons/assumptions. The relationship must be very secure and both parties need to be very mature and experienced and open to new ideas for even the conversation about it to end well, in my experience.
I'm not saying to throw out an existing happy relationship when I say this, but I just want to mention that it's significantly easier to start from the beginning by only dating people who have experience with polyamorous relationships, once you have decided that polyamory is right for you.
It's the same as with any other thing in the LGBTQ+ space, you can't decide about it, you just are.
This isn't an opinion shared by everyone who is ENM! But it makes me personally really happy to read from someone else. Yes, being in a poly relationship is a choice, but at least for me personally, being poly is just as much a core part of my identity as being asexual and panromantic, and just as much a choice (that is.. not at all).
For me, I always was and will be poly at heart regardless of being in a poly or mono relationship, and I'll always feel "incomplete" in a sense unless I can share my love and my life and my passions and struggles with more than just one person. Maybe my anecdote will offer some insights into what you're feeling, OP.
Having partners who love that you are poly is so much more fulfilling than just having partners who tolerate it begrudgingly or refuse to let you even acknowledge that aspect of yourself.
It takes a LOT of time and effort to manually tear down one's learned assumptions about what relationships are and should be, and build your own set of relationship guidelines from the ground up, personalized for you and your partners' needs and desires. But the result of that hard work is more beautiful and fulfilling and true to oneself than any relationship built on traditional assumptions and expectations. (that applies to mono relationships, too)
Good luck on your journey, OP, and I hope you discover what's best for you and pursue it to live your best life ^^
opening an existing mono relationship to become ethically non-monogamous is a very difficult thing
Now to think about, I should probably also put out the warning that triangles are the "extreme" challenge, so to say. Seen it work out once, and only once, and I've seen it fail a few dozen of times, including my own attempts at it.
Tringles should reward an irl achievement ngl
Oh that's definitely true hehe.. it's probably never a good idea to approach polyamory expecting a triangle relationship or even striving for it.. it's already difficult to find people accepting of polyamory that you are compatible with, let alone two people who you are compatible with who are also perfectly compatible with each other.
My partners are pretty happy barely interacting with each other currently, mostly due to lacking common interests. At best, my partners in the past have been good friends who support each other. Only once was the prospect of a triangle relationship even on the table but that didn't end up working out due to people drifting apart before we even gave it a chance. and my one poly friend that was in a 4-person polycule only was for all of a month before two people left the relationship.
Realistically, V style relationships (of varying complexity and "chain length") are much more common and stable in my experience, and I think anyone interested in polyamory should take that into account when setting their expectations.
yeah, you kinda got one side of it
Even if everyone is perfectly compatible, by going for a triangle you're also dealing with the dynamic of drastic change to an already existing relationship, which obviously has a stronger bond. Introducing a new person into this dynamic wreaks havoc, since the new person wants to compete, the other two want to spend a lot of time with that new person, overwhelming them, while also sticking to each other at times, essentially third-wheeling the new person.
It never works out. Too many ripples in the pond.
Just sounds like "being a human" but it might be a hint that you could be poly 😊
University Student
Just the basic feeling? There's no term for that (in English) because it's (ordinarily) the universal human condition. Monogamy is a choice, not an off switch.
If it were to become anything more complex than that it might start putting its thumb on the scale for the term "polyamory", a linguistic abomination (should be polyphilia or multiamory) you can look up for a deeper dive.
Polyamory! Welcome to the club 😁. There are multiple "configurations" to poly couples. Don't worry about labels and do what feels right with everyone involved. There needs to be a lot of open communication, but it's worth it
Don't let the name of this book fool you, but go read "Polysecure" it talks about what is going on in your head and what your partner might be thinking about. It really changed my mind about how to approach anything to do with non-monogamy.
Oh man. Polysecure gave me so many of the words I needed but didn't have.
Dang, I can't find the article I read about women using a promiscuous reproductive strategy and how they are less likely to care about the promiscuity of others than women using a monogamous reproductive strategy, who care very much that no one be promiscuous.
Long story short: there are both men and women who do and don't mind multiple sexual relationships.
That said, societies put limits on what is acceptable and you probably see that in movies. From my personal casual observation, it seems normal for people to be attracted to multiple people, but acting on that -- or even talking about it -- is likely to upset a partner trying to establish a pair-bond. It can be a threat that the pair-bond may be broken if/when a competitor lures the 'attracted' partner away.
More than that, I know new moms furious at their husbands for playing video games. Hubby says he's worked all day and wants to unwind, but mom says the baby needs care and hubby's gaming leaves mom as stranded and alone as if hubby was cheating.
Here's a short bit: https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2000/10/female-monogamy-is-fiction-not-fact-hrdy-says/
Stuff on monogamy: