this post was submitted on 13 Jun 2025

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-35

Any advice on getting back together with a partner you cheated on ? Tips for reconciliation ? (lemmy.world)

submitted 16 hours ago by IloveyouMF@lemmy.world to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

NSFW 19 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Ok so I cheated on my boyfriend, it was sporadic here and there it was largely due to my xan addiction but I have kicked that and been cali sober for a few years. Speaking of Cali, my boyfriend inherited a house in the San Jose Valley, it's a nice house pool 3 stories counting basement it cost like a lot even though in Ohio it would be 300k max.

So we are getting back together I remember how much I love him and miss him the past 9 months without him and he is missing me to. I have a ton of stuff planned but what do you suggest in terms of things to do and mindset to have ?

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[–] CocaineShrimp@lemm.ee 26 points 16 hours ago (2 children)

Being honest - it doesn't sound like you love him, but rather want to stay in his nice house.

Regardless of if you love him or not, that trust that's needed for a stable, long-term relationship has been obliterated. Every single thing you do will be questioned, outloud or at least subconsciously. That is not going to be good for a healthy relationship.

I'd suggest that if you want to be in a happy and healthy relationship, it's probably a good idea to move on from this one. Take time to reflect and ask yourself why you cheated on this guy - obviously you were unhappy enough to seek someone else, but what made you unhappy in the first place? It could be something about them, but it could be something about yourself too - in which case, you might want to talk to a therapist

If you did want to get back with your ex, I'd suggest giving him space and letting him decide if he wants to come back to the table, and when he wants to. If you seriously like him, don't see anyone else until he decides what he wants to do; but put a time limit on it for your own sanity. Then, after the time is up, give up on the relationship and move on. Tell a friend of yours about your plan so they can help keep you accountable in case you may not be in the right frame of mind

[–] Fletcher@lemmy.today 5 points 15 hours ago

Totally agree with this assessment and this advice. Well said!

[–] ArgumentativeMonotheist@lemmy.world 4 points 13 hours ago* (last edited 13 hours ago) (1 children)

Either this is a bit or America is cooked.

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world -1 points 12 hours ago

why would America be cooked ?

What is even wrong with what we are doing >

[–] FreedomAdvocate@lemmy.net.au 5 points 15 hours ago* (last edited 15 hours ago) (1 children)

Once a cheater always a cheater. You’ll do it again.

Also sounds like you’re just wanting his house. I hope he doesn’t take you back, honestly.

Edit: OP does onlyfans too…..yeah nah just leave the poor guy alone.

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world -2 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

He wants me and all the fun times and wholesome memories we will share together.

Even shifting away from the sappy hallmark stuff for a second. I am ok with him fucking other girls he isn't going to find that from any other girls. I trust him I know he loves me and he deserves to have fun.

[–] FreedomAdvocate@lemmy.net.au 1 points 37 minutes ago

And you just wanting his house and to not be alone.

Men don’t want what you’re offering. Men don’t want cheaters who do onlyfans. Well no good men do.

“Wholesome memories” lol. Good one.

[–] Doorbook@lemmy.world 4 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

Go to couple therapy

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world -5 points 15 hours ago

We will, also I have all sorts of fun stuff lined up for him.

I will set him up with other girls, I didn't even let him watch porn when we were first dating boy how things change.

I will be more sexually and emotionally available.

I want to be his best friend and do more stuff with shared interest in the like. Watching shows and playing games together

[–] NGnius@lemmy.ca 3 points 15 hours ago (1 children)

You need to rebuild that trust that was destroyed by the cheating and the breakup. You should also have a long talk with your boyfriend about any unhealed wounds from that time. If you're going to make it work, a lot of communication needs to happen and keep happening. It sounds like you made a good first step by identifying part of the reason you cheated and fixing it!

So we are getting back together I remember how much I love him and miss him the past 9 months without him and he is missing me to

I'm a bit concerned about this. These are natural parts of a breakup and really aren't good reasons to get back together, since it could just as easily be an inability to get over each other. Also seeing your comment in reply to another

Also we don’t want to break up. I have been through so much with him and he has done so much for me. He likewise knows that dating is hard especially where we live it’s not like he has girls sliding into his dms to replace me.

It gets more concerning. It sounds like both of you want to stay together because you don't want to be alone. A healthy relationship is one that all parties can leave at any moment but choose to stay because they want to. You don't want it to be like an addiction where you say you can quit anytime but really you can't because you won't be able to handle the withdrawal.

I think a healthy mindset for this is that being single is ok. Breaking up will be ok, eventually. I'm not saying you should break up and be single, but just you should be aware that if you're wondering why you're putting up with your boyfriend, it's because he's adding more than being single (with friends and maybe casual sex) can to your life. If that's ever not true, run.

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world -3 points 15 hours ago (2 children)

I want to add some other context, so this boy is just a great person. He is the one that got e t quit, he worked overtime to pay for my rehab at a nice in person cent and I loved it so much it's what got me to quit and I still have friends from there. He help tutor kids he is just good.

He also has not had a great life, he has moderately wealthy parents but they were obsessed with making him earn everything. They made him get a job at age 15, that doesn't sound too bad but this job was installing hvac systems uner houses in the california summer. He had to crawl under houses deal with hvac tubing insulation and yes bugs and snakes. Also his dad died as a teenager

The reason I bring this up is because I have as I gotten sober did more thinking on the world and doing the work to make a change. The thing I hate most about life is bad people win, Trump,Elon Musk,Jeff Bezos the works. I feel by making the small sacrifice of having a sub optimal relationship dynamic I am making it so that for once the good guy wins.

Again I have not always been the best girlfriend or even person. I was an addict I stole and sold to support my habit I cheated on him several times I was hypocritical not letting him watch porn while I cheated on him was sexually stingey .

I feel I have something to make up for and I will not run I will face the consequences of my actions

Everyone knows that men benefit more from relationships then women, I am taking on that burden to make it up to him

[–] FreedomAdvocate@lemmy.net.au 6 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

Everyone knows that men benefit more from relationships then women

Ok this is definitely a troll post.

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world -3 points 14 hours ago

That is objectively correct, do you really want to dispute this basic fucking fact ? Yikes just Yikes

[–] NGnius@lemmy.ca 0 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

It sounds like you've found a great guy, I can understand why you wouldn't want to let him go. I hope he sees just as much greatness in you.

I feel by making the small sacrifice of having a sub optimal relationship dynamic I am making it so that for once the good guy wins.

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, but if this is what you both want then give the relationship dynamic (not the fire thing) a try. I also can't help but notice that all of your examples of bad people are in the USA -- you might find a more optimistic outlook in Europe or in other developed countries.

Everyone knows that men benefit more from relationships then women, I am taking on that burden to make it up to him

Please don't ever believe this. It's just internalized misogyny. If you're in a relationship where you're giving more than you're getting, that's a horrible relationship and you should leave.

[–] IloveyouMF@lemmy.world 0 points 14 hours ago (1 children)

Please don’t ever believe this. It’s just internalized misogyny. If you’re in a relationship where you’re giving more than you’re getting, that’s a horrible relationship and you should leave.

I find this accusation funny because I am a feminist and I used to be misandrist in that sort of tumbler way I didn't like mean it but I said a lot of stuff that hurt him and of course I cheated.

I think this lead to me self sabotaging our relationship because I loved him but felt like showing it was selling out. I did a lot of stupid stuff like the no porn rue, I said that I preferred penises larger then his in front of him to a friend (I was lying and I apologized afterwards) and I even tried charging him for sex because I felt men didn't appreciate a woman's value and I was a big believer in that dworkin quote that a husband is basically a john.

[–] NGnius@lemmy.ca 2 points 11 hours ago

I find this accusation funny because I am a feminist

How you can be for equality of sexes yet still think one's benefits are more important than another in a relationship? I'm mansplaining and gatekeeping feminism to a woman on the internet. Wow, you got me, I am definitely an asshole.

I think this lead to me self sabotaging our relationship [...]

You also might want to reflect on how all of the things you describe in this paragraph would actually qualify as emotional abuse of your boyfriend, not self-sabotage. This is really dangerous because getting back together with your boyfriend might make you both fall into your old ways, which can include the addiction and the abuse. I hope you've recovered enough for that to not happen.

Anyway, I'm going to stop talking before I make more of an ass of myself. Just know that there's always people you can reach out to if you need help or for a random chat on the internet. I should go to bed. Goodnight.

[–] FeelzGoodMan420@eviltoast.org 2 points 14 hours ago

The way you wrote this sounds sus. It sounds like you suddenly want to get back with him because he got a huge house in cali.