You Should Know

Some of these are good, some are just needlessly assertive nonsense. Especially the two where it's actively refusing to acknowledge fault or apologize for it, which is standard PR crap. Refusing to apologize and instead saying "thanks for your patience" is what I expect to hear from my ISP when they miss their scheduled install, not from a coworker.

There's nothing wrong with being a normal human being that is capable of admitting their own shortcomings. If never saying sorry means "being a boss" then that explains why there's so many sociopaths as CEOs.

"Hope that make sense?" Vs "Let me know if you have any questions."

The latter is saying "here's the explanation, figure it out, bother me again if you can't". The fromer, while poorly worded, is being helpful, actively attempting to make sure the person understands before leaving them to it. It's both a kindness and doing your due diligence.

My personal ones for corporate use:

• Never use I when you can use we.

• Even if you're the only one working on a project, never refer to it as yours. Always refer to it as ours.

• Don't apologize, present solutions.

• Don't say "read my fucking email again you goddamn illiterate moron", say "As previously noted in our communications...."

To be honest, I find most of these passive aggressive and patronizing.

Half of it is fragile CEO ego reply

Imma take a second to plug goblin tools. I'm autistic and it has saved my ass.

God I hate forced formality like this. This is the kind of shit Gen Z and millennials are rebelling against and I'm all for it. It is stupid for us to encourage people to be themselves and then to expect them to act like a completely different person at work, including the way they talk.

"When can I expect an update" makes you sound like a micro managing POS

I attach a goatse to my email communicationsz tonrrally drive home the point of urgency in the face of devastating consequences.

Follow me for more productivity tips.

"It'd be easier to discuss in person" means "I don't want a record of this because it's either illegal or shows my incompetence".

Any meeting that they want to talk about in writing should ALWAYS be recorded.

I greatly prefer some of the "wrong" ones. Not everyone needs to talk like a corporate robot.

Improving my work emails is 99% of what I use ChatGPT for.

While most of these are a good rule of thumb, I disagree with 'Always Happy to Help.' > 'No Problem.'

'I'm Always Happy to Help' is a fine response, if you're actually willing to make your time available for the recipient at the drop of a hat. Sometimes that's called for, but I would only reserve it for a few very specific circumstances. I also don't see an issue with saying 'no problem' most of the time. There are situations where something a little more formal is called for, but 90% of the time 'no problem' should work imho.

As someone who frequently says "No problem" after someone thanks me for helping them, I'm now worried someone has taken that the wrong way.

For me personally, receiving a ‘just wanted to check in’ feels less aggressive than ‘when can I expect an update’

Otherwise I agree with the rest

Some of these come across dickish

Its not that simple. Its ok to apologize sometimes. But not so apologize every fucking time like I do for every minor slide. Also I can see the usefulness to just make the shot call instead of staying 1h writing that message/email. Others are ok too.

The thank you for your patience one has always rubbed me wrong. There's honor in apologizing in my opinion. I do like the making a mistake one though and I've tried to adopt that mentality when I'm working with QA on something I've merged. I want them to feel good about finding the mistakes and I want to avoid an adversarial relationship. I've learned that I get way better tickets from QA if they like how I treat them. Treat them like valuable experts and they'll act like valuable experts.

YSK, the person that embraces all of these, as written, is RIGHTFULLY perceived as an assholes by their peers.

All of these are really good examples of writing a good email, except the bottom left one.

The "wrong" example is perfectly fine, and the "correct" example is pretty rude unless you're a project manager addressing your team. Even if you were a project manager, it's still pretty rude.

In a good workplace, none of these fucking matter...