No Stupid Questions

I think most people are like this. It's hard to hold on to actual hatred. Most of us ain't got any time for that.

I don't really ever hold grudges, but if someone seriously wrongs me, I would just avoid them from then on. I'll forgive them easily, at least most of the time, but that doesn't mean that I have to like them or continue being their friend or hang out with them ever again.

It's not the not holding a grudge that is unhealthy, it is the not holding people accountable that's unhealthy. You deserve to be treated with respect and you aren't respecting yourself if you are allowing people to harm you and then continuing on like nothing happened. If you love or respect someone you should should hold them accountable for their actions so they can learn and grow as a human.

It makes you a target for abuse, and eventually it will come back to harm you. Usually not holding a grudge or taking pride in forgiveness has to do with what you want to believe about yourself. Most people want to get along with everyone, but going all in on it like you are means you are lying to yourself in some way about the damage it is doing, about how well you actually are succeeding in playing nicey nice with all these people who wronged you, about people’s ability to change. It sounds like you have been lucky so far and not seriously harmed by anyone, but there are people in this world with no conscience who are on the lookout for someone like you and one of them will eventually find you. Ultimately, most people either become more harsh and unfriendly or get good at eliminating really bad people in their lives very quickly so they can continue surrounding themselves with people they can forgive because they’d never do anything to you that risks your life or long-term wellbeing. I recommend the latter, AKA speak softly and carry a big stick.

I don't think it's unhealthy to stop holding a grudge, but I do think it's unwise to let someone back into your life after they have mistreated you to the level that you've decided to cut them off in the first place. My former best friend stole $400 from my mother through a con, most likely to buy drugs. I am no longer angry at him about it, but he will no longer have a place in my life because, firstly, people who con old ladies are not people I wish to associate with and, secondly, he could do something similar or worse.

So I don't dwell on him, I don't want to find him and slap him or yell at him, I just don't want to be in touch with him anymore. I don't hold a grudge, I just don't want him in my life.

It generally takes effort to truly hold a grudge, and it's because of that effort that grudges are bad for you. At the same time, however, you should not completely trust someone that you cut out of your life. To do so is to say that you had no reason to in the first place, and that that person is not capable of hurting you again which does not serve to help you either. They may never do that thing again, but from their point of view it was never out of the question in the first place (at least not so much so as to make it not worth doing). It's because of this, that it's more important to be careful of who you associate yourself with in the first place, than to be wrathful of those with whom you no longer associate.

The real question is... Are these people repeatidly hurting you or they were one offs?

If it's repeated... Well that is an issue... You don't have a defense mechanism.

If it's one off... Well you just are an optimist person 😃

I can't hold one either!

So it's not weird to me.

Do you have any rationale behind keeping in touch with those people in spite of their treatment of you? What do you believe about their future behaviour?

I'm a serial bridge burner. That doesn't mean I hold a grudge. I cut people out of my life if they've done something that shows me I can't trust them anymore, or that they don't care about me at all. If we cross paths (accidentally) again, I'll be polite but not friendly.

Keeping friends for me is an investment, and holding a grudge is also an investment. Friendships give me positive returns, grudges only losses.

What I don't understand is people who keep in touch with those who wronged them, and also hold a grudge. That's the definition of toxic relationships. The only exception would be with family you just can't cut ties easily.

Now if you are the type that forgives and forgets easily, well, hats off to you. It all depends on what the situation was though. Sometimes one is surrounded by people who like to keep of these toxic relationships in their lives, and of course, they won't understand that you can forgive and forget.

(intentionally vague)

Someone I know still keeps contact with someone that groomed them, and molested them when they were underage. They still consider this person a friend somehow. Thankfully, they moved across the country away from this person, but I'm scared for them to go back. They were also in an abusive relationship with another person, who they would still keep contact with if this person hadn't blocked them on everything. It shows a lack of self respect/esteem that really makes me sad, because I do love this person, and the thought of them going back and letting this shit continue really frightens me.

Not holding onto anger/resentment is called forgiveness, and it's a good thing to do for your own sake. However, don't put yourself in harm's way, mental or physical, just because you've forgiven a person. Forgive all you want, but don't forget.

I think holding a grudge is not good for anyone. However, remembering details about who wrongs you and over what is important--you take measures to avoid letting them take advantage of you again. They have damaged your trust in them.

Your trust level in people should reflect how they've treated you. It should be possible to earn back trust over mistakes when someone truly regrets wrongdoing, but people should understand that this takes time and consistency. Anyone who doesn't understand this is not worthy of your trust.

Count yourself blessed, all the drama that I know of has been maybe not caused but perpetuated by holding grudges

I don't know why you'd ever think not holding grudges is unhealthy when there's tons of places in society that tell you grudges are unhealthy. The only problem you have to watch out for which isn't directly related (nor cause to try and hold grudges) is getting repeatedly abused. Grudges are an unhealthy way to protect ourselves from being hurt again. You can avoid being abused again without grudges, but it's a more conscious effort.

I was and am similar. But it is very important to remember you can say no to people that more often than not get you into situations. Respect yourself and set up boundaries.

I was and am similar. But it is very important to remember you can say no to people that more often than not get you into situations. Respect yourself and set up boundaries.

its wonderful. Grudges are horrible investments. Most people build up defenses and stress about them deeply. The path of grace is profound but requires inner strength and empathy. Of course there are downsides like vulnerability and 'shame on me'. the art is to truly forgive without forgetting.

Id say this is the way to be.

Who has time for all that negativity. If I hate someone it impact them, but it does make me have negative thoughts which isn’t good.

No, that's a healthy adaptation in normal civil society. In a more distrustful society, where crime is considered more standard, then it could potentially become disadvantageous, as it removes your main motive for attempting to punish people when you perceive they've wronged you. Without which they might wrong you again.