this post was submitted on 25 Sep 2024
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I prefer strongly to date women who have a full-time job.
Every time I have bent that rule it has ended in tears.
One, my ex-wife never had a full-time job the entire time we were dating or married. She relied on me for all of the money which to a certain degree I was okay with, but also all of her entertainment.
To her, me coming home from work was an opportunity for us to spend time together, an opportunity to alleviate her boredom.
And of course, I was working hard so that we would have a happy home, so I get it, but because of that it required me to be "ON" 24/7.
I couldn't come home and relax or play video games or have personal time to de-stress because she had been bored all day and wanted company.
The more I tried to explain this to her, the more upset it made her, the more it made her feel like I thought she was a problem, or that I resented her for not working.
I tried repeatedly to tell her that she was my wife she was the person I was working to make sure she was happy just that I needed an opportunity to recharge my battery so that I could give it my all and with the current system I could not recharge my battery and I was flatlining.
I put up with it for years bringing this up on a regular basis, and I guess because I was not a total asshole about it, she just let me keep bringing it up rather than agreeing that something needed to change.
I wanted her to have a job because when you work it gives you purpose in your life. I wanted her to have a job because when you work it brings extra money into the household, which would have been all her money but she would have had money to spend.
I wanted her to have a job because it gave her an opportunity to talk to other people and to interact with other human beings and also so that we would be generally at the same energy level when we got home from work.
A lot easier to recharge with someone who's also recharging instead of attempting to charge someone who's depleted while you're depleted.
Ultimately it led to our relationship falling apart.
There were other factors on top of this but we couldn't address those because the bear in the room was I was completely exhausted and she was fucking miserable and I did not possess the wherewithal to both be a full-time provider for the household and a full-time caretaker for a fully grown adult woman and a good and loving husband and a good friend to her.
She wanted the Moon and the Sun and the stars and the asteroid belts and the planets and the kuiper belt and the Oort cloud and I made it to the Moon and the Sun and the stars and I just couldn't make it any farther.
So yeah, got to have a full-time job to be in a relationship with me. You got to have your own shit going on so that you're not 100% relying on me to be your end all be all for your entire life because I'm only barely enough for myself and I don't have enough to take on an entire additional human being on top of that.
Not trying to give relationship advice, but have you considered that your 1st criterias should be "has hobbys/interests and their shit somewhat together"? with the full-time job criteria, you could ironically filter out a perfect fit and end up with the same kind of person again, without realizing it.
I'll take it into consideration but like I've said I've dated a few people and some of those people have had hobbies and their shit together for the most part but the ones that did not have a full-time job to support their hobbies on top of that have always been concerningly quick to start relying on me to financially support their hobbies, which is its own issue.
I think if I were to bend that rule again that person's hobbies would have to be closely interlinked with my hobbies so that the financial requirements would not increase.
People really need more hobbies. I love spending time with my husband but I can't imagine not being able to entertain myself. I could happily go weeks without talking to another person, just doing my million different hobbies.
I have so many hobbies I never bothered to look for partners. Literally single because I'm so dedicated to studying the blade, and that makes me laugh to myself.
Studying, blacksmithing, metallurgy, woodworking and kitchen knives. They are all related by the importance of a sharp edge.
That can't be unique. I think most guys want a woman who can hold a full time job. That is not a big ask, it's like a minimum - it makes absolute sense, you will be stronger together. I would be extremely suspicious of a guy who didn't want me to work. Even if they made so much and wanted to cover all the bills, great. I work, we have some money to save and I can go get my legs waxed or whatever without having to ask for money to do it. I do not want someone to have that sort of control. I disagree strongly with the commenters saying that you should bend on this, it is not at all an outrageous thing to need.
The fact that you got a single down vote says thereβs a single person out there that canβt handle the truth.
I think there are some people who just go around downvoting everything without reading it or comprehending it.
In my opinion if you're going to downvote something, it should either be so audaciously bad troll posting that it's self-evident or you should follow up your downvote with a reply.
I downvote by accident all the time, and I'm sure other people do, too. I undo it when I notice, but how often do I (or anyone else) just not notice?