I am not in a great place right now in terms of productivity and flourishing in my personal and professional life, and every time I waste a day, every time I do something that I enjoy at the moment but which is not productive, I feel ashamed.
I live in a country, where students sometimes end their own lives for not being able to get into their dream college or for not passing the exam that would have allowed them a job in the government bureaucracy, I have always thought that they were not ending their lives because they didn't pass the exams, but they are ending it because they have indulged in activities which are not conducive to their goal of passing the exam so many times that they have given up on themselves and every time they spend a lot of time doing stuff which they might like to do in the moment but would regret right after they do it, their respect for self decreases a little more and when they get the sad news that could not progress towards their goals, they have not only failed as an aspirant for an exam, they have also failed as a person (for now at least)
i.e., As Dostoevsky states in C&P, "Your worst sin is that you've destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing", even though I might indulge in activities that are pleasurable for me now, they add up to nothing and if I do this enough times, I will just give up and sometimes some people will give up on all not just their goals because they hate themselves so much!
I don't want to end up like them (even though I feel pity for them, too bad there isn't an afterlife for them where they can be happy) , so I thought I would whip myself into a frenzy by reading a complication of suicide notes, this is for me an interesting task, but it also serves a purpose of warning me into things that I should not do! And to be completely honest, if I can derive some utility/meaning out of suicide notes, I mean the exact things that advertise the meaninglessness and the ugly side of life, that's pretty inspirational to me, I mean, it's like a metaphor for life, trying to life despite all the ugly stuff. So, to come back to the question,
Has there ever been a compilation of suicide notes, if so, where can one get it? And is it a good idea to get it?
PS: Sorry if this comes out the wrong way, if you haven't noticed, I am not that articulate. Also, I am alright right now, I am good, but I don't want to end up in a real bad situation, so I am looking for what I should I avoid.
edit 2: I like this community, but I don't have enough time to respond to everyone, but know that I am grateful and know that I have heard you! :)
I don't think it's only that people fail their goals. Society is structured for a specific type of person. If you aren't that person you're just left to drift while life moves on without you. For me personally it's that I've lived my life around people that don't let others live and be their best self out of tradition. I'm pretty confident when it comes to getting things done, but there's no point when you're shit on for existing and manipulated because your aren't like the other traditional people. Id rather KMS then fake who I am for money or manipulate another person for business. I'm still trying to find a path. But it's hard when you don't have a safety net of money or socially. Sometimes you have to leave everything behind and only keep the necessities to see what really makes life beautiful.
"Will power" is not a thing. All people are not the same. The "American dream" really is not accessable to everyone how it's traditionally laid out. Some people are lucky that that lifestyle fit their make up. Others a doomed to suffer if they try to keep up with that lifestyle? And if different for everyone. You can't raise every kid the same and most are unaware of how they can royally fuck a kids life up because they lack that understanding.
Willpower IS a thing and there is some really interesting research about how it is an exhaustible psychological “resource” we have! In other words, we can exercise our willpower up to a point, but it’s not infinite. Highly recommend reading “Switch” by Chip and Dan Health which goes into willpower as a concept if you are interested in this.
Thanks, I'll check it out.