this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2023
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I might get eaten alive but it’s been bugging me.
What is everyone’s issue with bi men and why do straight and queer people unite in thinking bi men are worth isolating?
Not trying to troll and apologies if it comes off that way, just would like to understand better from people themselves why they take issue with us.
I’ve had to hide that I’m bi from every single person in my life. When I told a very close lady friend (we’re just and always have been platonic and she’s pansexual), she got very weird and she no longer speaks to me (brushes me off when I send her memes n things).
Bi transman here - the answer to your question is because queer people have a lot of misandry. There's been a great movement to push people to recognize their misogyny, but misandry is still largely acceptable and even popularized to some extent. Because people equate "masculine" with "privileged", people equate men with the shitty assholes in their life who have put them and other queer people down, even when the men they're talking to have always been allies and often haven't had a lot of the privileges people think they've had. There's lots of axes of oppression, but even so queer men especially often lose a lot of the male privilege people assume they get.
I've had transwomen tell me that men should be rounded up and killed, and when I said that was sexist, told that included me. I've had non-binary people tell me that they identify as transmasc but not as a transman because men are toxic - even knowing that I am a transman. That person was a long-term 'friend' of several years. I've had multiple people say they'd feel safer in shared spaces if there weren't men present, even while I was sitting there, as another queer person trying to find a safe space.
It's a really big problem in the community that has gone largely unaddressed. I think things are getting better, but it's extremely hard not to feel isolated from the only community that is supposed to be accepting of us.
FWIW though the video is supposedly talking about that problem and how to make it better. It's a god-awful title for a community that's supposed to be very caring and careful about people's trauma, though, and proves the point that the community is much more accepting of misandry than of misogyny. If someone posted a video titled "Why we hate bi women" with the thumbnail of "Don't date bi women", it would probably have already been removed for being triggering, even if the point is to lampshade the problem.
There's lot of us out here, even if it doesn't feel like it. I'm really hoping we'll find more spaces that are really, actually accepting of us.
I don't care how many times people explain to me that "kill all men" doesn't actually mean kill all men. It still hurts. Ever since I transitioned, I've noticed the casual misandry thrown about everywhere like it's not a big deal, but it's a big deal to me. "All men are trash" includes me.
I've always had an issue with the idea that generalizations are okay. If "all men are trash" actually means "the patriarchy is trash", just say that. I understand a lot of it as simply venting, but it's almost never constructive or helpful, and it certainly isn't fun to hear as a trans dude. Hell, part of the reason it took so long for me to accept myself as a man is because of this kind of rhetoric.
I hope it gets better, because it does feel very alienating whenever I encounter it. I want to be a part of queer spaces, but it's hard when you feel hated.
FWIW, they also have a video with that exact title so at least they're equal opportunities when it comes to clickbait titles!
The whole point of the linked video is to talk about a lot of possible reasons why.
My goal is not to further engage with things that make me feel bad about myself. Probably shouldn’t have posted in the first place. Was just hoping for a quick and simple explanation from someone who shares the sentiment because I didn’t expect this sort of stuff on Beehaw :/ sorry
Tl:dw; aids/hiv and assholes with agendas writing magazines.
I'll share some of my perspective. It may also include a little bit of jealousy from the queer side; a bi man can hide his bisexuality while a gay man cannot. It may also have a little bit of its roots in insecurity. I've been able to find men much easier than women, so the usual limits on a hetero man with regards to finding someone to cheat on their boo with don't apply to a bisexual man. An insecure woman could see that and want to avoid bisexual men altogether due to personal insecurity in her ability to catch and keep a man.
I don't agree with these perspectives but people are human, and those are very human emotions to be feeling.
"Those are very human emotions to be feeling" isn't a valid answer, though. It's an internal, unfair bias that hurts other people, and that shouldn't be acceptable in a community that is trying to be all-inclusive.
Appreciate the explanation but it just leaves me feeling shitty because I have no control over other peoples perceptions or thoughts. I’ve never cheated on anyone I’ve dated and it never even occurred to me to do.
It just really hurts because if I live my life as my true self, I’ll repulse everyone except for a small minority of other bi people who all experience this. Or, I can live my life straight passing and always feel icky about myself. I just wish I was born fully straight. I don’t like being actively disgusting to most people just for existing 🙁
Enough internet for me today I feel like shit.
I totally get what you’re saying and how the subject is painful. I’ve personally found it helpful to better understand where the negative perception comes from and how nonsensical it’s origins are. It helps me to address the internalized biphobia and build my own self confidence. We're valid, and ignorance can be fought.
My alternative explanation is that bi men stay in the closet "too long" cause they are discouraged from being open and they also kinda can stay closeted.
That makes you fly under the radar and hear and possibly even internalize the worst things straight people say about LGBT people. It also makes you spend more time with straight people instead of your fellow bi dudes, who you could best advocate for yourself with.
That's how it was for me anyway. Mind you, I'm not blaming us for our oppression, just saying that we're in a bit of a tricky dilemma.