CW
Ever since I came out to my mom several years ago, she's been supportive on and off, which I don't really understand why she is just sometimes supportive.
When I first came out to her, she told me she was proud of me, and then minutes later she told me that I would be ugly and never find love. She's never purposely misgendered or deadnamed me though. Although for a while after I came out she was mourning me and acting like I had died and it was really weird and creepy to me at least, but about 2 years after that she told me that she finally sees me as her daughter.
When I had asked her if I could get puberty blockers or estrogen she told me no, which I had asked her that many times. So I decided to save up and finally this year at 20 I got HRT, but then she suddenly decided that she wanted to pay for it and that made me a bit upset because if she was going to pay for it then I could have gotten earlier, but I still appreciate that she is paying for it.
I had asked her if I could get voice training lessons a few years ago she was very adamant about me not doing them. Recently I have decided to do voice training on my own and the other night she complemented my voice and then tonight she told me that I actually sound like an alien and that my masc voice is perfect. We were good for a while and I thought she was done with being unsupportive occasionally but I guess not. I don't really know what I'm feeling rn, I guess disappointment and maybe sadness idk.
This what my voice sounds like rn if you were curious: https://on.soundcloud.com/hsR5W
This link isn't working in some of my lemmy clients for some reason. If it's not working for you you might have to paste it into Firefox.
So I'm not sure how much you care about the opinion of someone who is not Trans and has no friends who are, but here is my hot take.
Your mother was raised with certain expectations. For decades she was taught boys are a certain way, and anything else is weird and should be suppressed and resisted.
Maybe I can explain better like this - here is what I would say to your mother, assuming I understand the situation correctly.
Mom, I don't know what you really think or feel, but the way you have acted at times makes me think you were hoping this was just a phase for me. That I might "change my mind" and go back to being "normal". I can tell you love me and want to support me, but it feels like you are holding back because you are hoping i will get over it or something.
This is who I am. I couldn't change back if I wanted, and I don't want to anyways. I love you and I know you love me. I just wish you could get over the awkwardness of accepting who I am so it doesn't feel like you are so conflicted on showing me all your love. I try to remember that this hasn't been easy for you either, but I can't help but sometimes feeling hurt by the way you only seem to sometimes support my decisions.
Again, I love you and know you love me, I just wanted you to know how I'm feeling and what it seems like from my perspective. Please talk to me if you are confused about anything I am going through. I will try and remember that this hasn't been easy for you either.