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this post was submitted on 13 Nov 2023
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Feminism
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Men (and granted I am male) really do need to drop the alpha male stuff. It's a shame so many men are drawn into this weird mentality on YouTube thinking that's what is going to get them a girl... When really it's the furthest from the truth.
I met my wife at work, made some awkward jokes with her, and eventually asked her out. We split everything a perfect 50/50 and I'm proud to say she is a strong independent woman who definitely does not need me. I can't imagine the disrespect she would feel if all of a sudden I went all alpha.
Yeah, I don't think relationships should be based on two people "needing" each other. I think it's a better relationship when two people are so compatible, that they just naturally WANT to be with each other.
Oh god, you're with a woman who doesn't NEED you and yet still chooses to be WITH you? The horror! /s
I know right? It's like we just mutually respect each other, love spending time together, but encourage each other to be their own person as well. The shame we feel together... /s lol
But yeah I don't understand the mentality of "She needs to be subservient" and "you need to be the alpha" and "gender norms". it sounds exhausting. These guys have no idea what they're missing. Sure, we split cleaning 50/50, I'm honestly a terrible cook but I do all of the dishes while she cooks, and then after that? We hang out and play video games together every night. Dudes have no idea what a healthy relationship can be like
I'm over 30 and I have both older and younger acquaintances and family that engage in this macho culture. For the younger ones, I have sympathy, I was much like that too as a young adult - or tried to be anyways. I never really fit in though and I grew up and grew out of trying to "fit in" so hard.
For the older ones however, it's quite puzzling. I don't get it. How much lived experience does one need to ignore to figure this out? Is the quest for a male approved identity really preferable to growing into a well developed, emotionally mature man that is actually required to maintain relationships?
It's stories like those in the article that make me understand the hostility that more extreme feminists react with when presented with things like the "male loneliness epidemic". (My second reaction, though is that if you think the "alphas" are the lonely ones, you might be mistaken - if that's the norm, then the "good ones" must be the REALLY lonely ones.)
I met my wife on OKCupid before it went to crap. She just kept telling me how I was so "respectful" compared to literally everyone else she met in years. I didn't understand then, and nowadays I can only explain so much of that behavior. I suppose it's a mix of the dominant media culture and internet culture being amplified by actors who either are ignorant of, profit from, or take advantage of it all.
it's definitely a vicious cycle for the alpha males. They are lonely and they think this will attract women. Of course it pushes more women away, so they dive in deeper thinking they are doing something wrong. Repeat and repeat and they end up being some of the least attractive people out there.
Also a man, I haven't tried being an "alpha male" because I'm not a toxic asshole, but let's not pretend it's not effective. Being genuine and kind has gotten me absolutely nowhere in the girlfriend department and the fact is the worst men I know all have girlfriends. If I was willing to be like that I probably would too.
I think what you're seeing as toxic asshole may actually be confidence. You don't need to prop up a woman as a perfect diety, you don't have to just be nice to them, you have to be a whole complete person. Being nice is the minimum, be more than that. Genuine and kind is the minimum expectation, not the whole package. You, the whole you, are the complete package. Your humor, your jokes, your stories, your interests. You aren't looking for a princess or queen that you have to bow down for. You're looking for a true life partner.
I hate to link reddit but this sums it up well. It's a read, and I'd suggest reading through it. God knows I used to think that way - and it was not a healthy thing for me to do. If you're thinking this way too then it may be time for some real, and I mean real introspection.
https://www.reddit.com/r/selfimprovement/comments/ke7t7c/women_dont_like_nice_guys_women_like_good_men/
I'm rooting for you bud, I really am. As cliche as it is, you just gotta be yourself. Don't look with envy at other people, be happy for them. Be a person who you can be proud of and other people will pick up on that.
I'm from a deeply broken home so I'm trying to relearn social interactions. I'll give that a read.
Me too bud, I had to relearn a lot. For me there was a ton of religious upbringing that taught me that talking to girls is taboo at all, and it didn't prep me at all for the real world. It took me years to realize that girls were just like boys when you're talking to them - there's literally no difference. Something a lot of people here would just eyeroll at but for me it was a major revelation. It took a very good (female) friend to help me realize that. She and I could chat for hours about video games, movies, whatever.
It's not an easy or fun job, working on yourself, learning how you handle different situations. It's a long process and personally I learned things about myself that I didn't like, I had to change. I remember thinking people I worked with thought "He's the cool mysterious guy" when it turns out they all thought "He's an absolute asshole. Avoid him". I took some hard punches learning all of that. But - I came out better for learning it.
I wish you luck on your journey. Self improvement pays off 100 fold and I fully support you for it!