this post was submitted on 12 Oct 2023
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Legally a parent is a custodian of a child which comes with rights and obligations along with a set of laws that regulate that relationship.
Yeah, this is what gets me. Some parents are shitty, and I can see the issues with this as it's not unheard of for kids to be kicked out by homophobic parents after being outed, etc
But in the flip side, parents are legally responsible for their kids try increasingly cut off from the information that might be important for caring for those kids. They can ask a doctor to not disclose drug use, and apparently now a teacher not to disclose their gender identity decisions, leaving the parent might be clueless up to the point where it grows into a major issue and blindsides them.
Life isn't an episode of Leave It To Beaver. Not all kids have daily sit-downs with their parents where they discuss in detail everything about their lives. At a certain point, a lot of kids often start cutting out their parents thinking that it's part of establishing their own independence, and sometimes -especially with issues of sexuality/etc - they may be embarrassed to bring those forward to their parents.
Do parents have a right to know everything about their kids lives? Maybe not. Parents DO have a responsibility towards help educate their kids, help them navigate life and deal with major life changes and decisions. Educators have historically had a duty to keep parents informed of major developments in school which might affect their children or - if they have evidence the child is at-risk - to report cases of abuse to the appropriate authorities.
It's a tightrope, for sure, but expecting parents to do their job while potentially withholding vital information is not a good look either, and a lot of decisions from government (on both sides) lately are starting to have a "it's for the children" authoritarian feel.
I would support my kids regardless of how they choose to identify, their sexual orientation, etc, but when stuff is happening in regards to that I would damn well want to KNOW so that I can support them properly (possibly including learning more myself)
My niece told her parents she was questioning her gender within a few months of realising it herself (according to her). And this kid is very much your typical closed off teenager who doesn't like to talk about anything that's going on in her life. But when it comes to the big, important shit like this, kids will share if they feel safe doing so.
If your kid doesn't want to tell you about something like this it's because you have failed to convince them that it's safe to share that kind of information with you.
My niece shared about this with her while family, basically right away, because she knows that all of us are openly supportive of trans and queer rights. She sees how we treat our queer and trans friends and partners. She knows without a shadow of a doubt that she will be loved and supported, so she was able to open up without fear.
If your kid doesn't feel the same way about you, you are the problem. Not them.
See there you go, accusing people and putting words in their mouths. Nobody said kids were the problem (or even "a" problem) but not every kid feels the same way and that sometimes has little to do with parenting.
But feel free to go and accuse everyone of being a bad parent because things worked out for your niece. I know more than a few people who were damn good parents and their kids did eventually come out to them, but it took awhile and some digging to get to it while in the meantime those same kids were experiencing real issues in their social life because of it but their parents were unaware of why (though on most cases they know something was off). Once they finally got through it the dialog with their parents was great but it took quite awhile and needless suffering in the meantime. In one case the child was concerned that a rather religious family member (not the parent) would find out and ostracize them. When that family member did find out over the longer course they were actually very supportive, if a bit confused.
Having something in policy one way or the other is idiotic. Some kids might get beatings for having low grades, but that doesn't mean we don't decide to keep parents informed about academic performance, it means we should report unsafe home environments and use judgement in other cases.
If the teacher believes there's a real risk of harm then that should not feel compelled to share that information by gov't, but at the same time if something is potentially adversely affecting a child they shouldn't be compelled by black-and-white policy NOT to engage the parents, and early interaction may benefit all sides.
The "all kids who don't want to talk to their parents must be raised by abusive rednecks" is just a shitty argument. Even adults sometimes have hidden fears or worries that aren't bounded in reality, but allow unrealistic "what if" scenarios to hold them back. Kids are in a worse state with less personal experience and a bombardment of other people's opinions, situations, social media and many other factors than can bring anxiety even in the best of home environments.