this post was submitted on 13 May 2025
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You’re not supposed to have a gut wrenching feeling 24/7 when in a relationship.
A relationship is a friend you do extra things with.
I dunno how I feel about this summing up. Like, yeah, but also so much more. For one they mostly remove gut wrenching feeling xD
Yep, a good relationship should just be your favourite person to spend time with that you also find sexually attractive (and vice versa).
Or no sexual attraction if you're ace. I feel like people forget that ace people can be super into romance and the other parts of a romantic relationship.
Oh yeah, totally. Forgot about that possibility. My bad.
I have an anxious attachment style. My brain says no, fuck my feelings regardless. :(
I'm gonna wrench her guts, alright?
"extra things" ;3
Or, to bring Relational Anarchism to bear, a relationship is an ongoing interaction between people, sometimes even just with one's own self. Then, having established that a relationship exists, the participants of this relationship may choose to define said relationship using whatever terms and conditions they feel are fitting. And here's the clincher: nobody outside of the relationship gets to have any say in what ANY aspect of that relationship means. Friendship? That's literally got "ship" in it, but parenthood? Also a relationship. Professional, personal, inter-personal, monogamous, non-monogamous, poly, aromantic, FWB... All valid terms to use, and not a single one of them can possibly define a relationship by itself.
I am a relational anarchist, but I was simplifying. No need for quantum physics where Newtonian physics do the trick !
Oversimplifying methinks. Great for jokes, maybe not so much for education.
To be clear, I laughed at your comment, then felt inspired to expand upon and offer more synthesis of ideas in RA. No need to condescend my offer of additional detail.
Im gonna use that phrase from now on , thanks stranger!
There’s probably room to make it snappier, have fun !
I kind of get what you are saying but parenthood is not like this. The kid doesn't get to have a say, and there are extremely important laws on what you can do both with kids and their other parent. And a hateship? Like, what if a dude just starts hateshipping you because he was mistreated and is in pain, you can call the police and say fuckety fuck off or go to jail, so society has something to say about it too. Even disregarding these exceptions, I don't get a lot of aha moments from this perspective? Maybe that's a good thing but I feel like if someone doesn't understand these basic teachings about relationships, they're probably traumatised real bad and it's a good message. At the same time if it is aimed at bigots, they have pretty specific other reasons for why they think it's their issue what other people's relationships are about, and those are more akin to brainwashing and propaganda than straight trauma, (but it could always be both I guess). Free love has been around for many years now, and there was no societal issues, so any dissent on the topic should be extremely easy to dismiss. Maybe I'm underestimating the current state of the US though.
Well I hope that you amend your views before bringing a tiny new human into existence. I'm not saying that laws should be outright disregarded. I had limited time to make my response, so I didn't go into much detail about RA's approaches to co-parenting. I don't intend to do so now.
Choosing to get law enforcement involved doesn't break these rules. If a relationship is inequitable and people are in danger, and getting the police involved seems like the only option from one or more perspectives in the relationship, then that's what should happen.
Another major factor within RA is the choice/ability to continue or discontinue relationships. And this element (like any other element of skillful RA) requires an ongoing commitment to communication. Checking in about the state of relationships. Choosing to deescalate a relationship for any number of reasons is a fully valid choice, whether due to time constraints, lack of commitment, over commitment, feeling unsafe, feeling codependent, literally anything; though, with the hope that people either won't oversell an issue or understate it. Literally you're "not feeling it" can be a valid reason to step back, but also that might be easier to work through than, say, "the way you handle conflict reminds me of ways my parent(s) used to invalidate my experiences of emotional distress before I was able to fully articulate my difficulty, and I can't continue to relate with you so closely until we have boundaries and agreements in place regarding how you handle conflict."
I'm guessing you don't live in the US based on your last statement, and I would hazard a guess that things are indeed pretty different elsewhere, at least in regard to socio-political climate. That doesn't necessarily invalidate RA as a system, but it likely (and probably greatly) changes the way one or more people may be supported or seen by the society they move through. The US is very patriarchal, but generally women are in less danger here than, for example, Yemen or Saudi Arabia.
I have two kids and a bonus kid. Let me inform you that at no point has "not feeling it" been a valid reason to end that relationship. They are in fact not feeling the food at several occasions, and then changing their mind once they try it. I don't see the doctrine you are talking about bring any insight still, but it also isn't wrong. Love is free. You can choose. It is a very basic message. Kids cannot choose though. And prisoners, etc. I really do not understand fully how social and external factors can ever impact these rules when they do, daily for many people around the world? We want free love, for sure, but just saying it's law and abstracting away any external impact is not really helpful? Or I am missing a lot
It rather seems to me that you're only responding to the generalized ideas I'm trying to present as they relate to your own specific experience, and using that as a way to discount or invalidate the concept entirely. I don't see the point in going to bat so hard for this. I'm not telling you how to raise the humans you've chosen to be responsible for, I'm just saying that's another kind of relationship. Relationship anarchy is very specifically not "free love", which clearly wasn't so free anyways. Love is free, sure, but these days so many people's time is money; taking the time to choose what relationships you participate in, and what that participation looks like, can't possibly be a bad idea, and that's the idea with RA.
That's not correct, you told me to not have kids before I accept your brand of relationship management which, still just is free love with a cooler name to me.
Also, fuck me for asking about your passion and trying to understand? It seems like free love, the moral concept most learn while very young. I don't think adding in conscious choice or evaluation of friends makes it different at all. These are things people do in school mostly and which parents teach their kids about. It is already included in the neat package of free love. You may like or dislike who you want. We can give advice, but not choose for you.
I struggle to understand because it feels like there should be a nugget of wisdom in there but it's kind of frustrating at the same time that it doesn't say anything. Sorry.
That consistent light nausea is just how true love feels, bro!