this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2023
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Polyamory

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feeling 'trapped' in monogamy. (kbin.social)
submitted 1 year ago by onethreeonetwo@kbin.social to c/polyamory@lemmy.world
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feeling 'trapped' in monogamy.
so i've(20m) have been in this wonderful relationship with A(20f) for about a year now, and as I disclosed from the begginging that I was looking for a open/poly relationship, she knew it from the very start and we agreed to that. Fast forward a couple of months and we close down the relationship because she doesnt feel secure enough, which was also a completely valid request. After we opened it back up she went on a date with someone, made out and then proceeded to tell me that this is not something she wants to go look around for, after that we closed the relationship again. Since then neither her nor me have been on any dates and any discussion even hinting towards the topic elicits an we should try it at a different stage of our relationship when we are more secure. This makes me feel trapped and controlled, especially since she knew about me wanting a non-exclusive relationship from the start. Any advice?

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[–] jjjalljs@ttrpg.network 1 points 1 year ago

This is an old post but well I'm here

we close down the relationship because she doesnt feel secure enough, which was also a completely valid request

No it wasn't. Her options there were leave the relationship or seek therapy. Asking you to change the relationship model to something you don't want is a reach. Rookie mistake I understand how it happened. But there's your problem. This person can't or won't do non monogamy. If you want non monogamy, leave.

It's fine if she doesn't want to date anyone else. I know a couple where the one of them doesn't, and the other has a sprawling polycule. They're happy

It's not fine if she wants to control what you do. She will never be secure like that and you will be miserable.

I dated someone who was very insecure and controlling. It was horrible. Nothing was ever enough and their metamours suffered.

Eventually they had some breakthroughs in therapy and now are extremely poly, but they had to get there themselves. Trying to control other people to make themselves feel secure was doomed.