permathrowaway

I’m a useless, pathetic dog. I’m a worthless creep who will never have value or amount to anything, just like she said.

Even the most accepting people hate me and throw me away in the end. They like my autistic friend more than me. They think I’m disgusting and never will forgive me for missing social cues.

If even the kindest people make me sad and give me mental problems, and even the kindest people hate me, then I must be a terrible person.

And the mental problems I currently have make me a terrible daughter. A terrible girlfriend who can’t be there for her boyfriend. A terrible person.

This will be the saddest way our relationship has to end. This time, it won’t be because they don’t get along, but because I’ll be dead just like she wants.

I hope he finds a better gf. Maybe I won’t be dead anyway. I’ll be taking a shower soon so it could give me time to think and clear my mind.

I try to work on myself and be a better person, one that everyone wants, but I can never be what they want or they threaten me. I will never be forgiven and I’ll always be scum who should die to them.

Honestly, I may not do it, because I CAN’T FIND A WAY WITHOUT COWERING, but you can

or something lol. or find another way to do it, like euthanasia. for now, i’ll try to live, but still.

For now I’m done. I doubt it but I could become a symbol of discrimination or something: a girl whose life was so filled with discrimination she died. But I could live and tell the tale as a survivor

I love you, my boyfriend 💕

And my family ❤️

But I fucking hate you, even if you were right, Bella. I know you won’t feel guilty for being so cruel a life may be taken or threatened, but it’s okay.

All I do is talk about the situation, and it’s probably not gonna do anything for my mental health despite its recentness.

However, I need to say the last thing about this. To talk about how I’ve deduced that I clearly don’t add anything good to the world or the universe.

I’m alive for people like my few friends, my family, and boyfriend, but that’s kind of it.

I was alone for a good long while, and I’m (almost) alone again. A group of people took me in and accepted me for being different despite many people not wanting to be around me. Now these nice, accommodating people hate me just like everyone else did.

I will never be loved and it’s because my behaviors are different and I have no social skills. I will always be a terrible human being who deserves this.

I was friends with these people for years and they accepted me and cared about me when no one else did. Now, it hurts, because they like my friend a lot but don’t even care about me and act like (and say) I’m such a burden to them.

They talk behind my back to each other, they say rude things, they say stuff that’s not true. They say they don’t want me around and it’s all my fault.

One situation, I followed this girl Alice and her friend Beth around to talk to them. Alice said she hated me, and I didn’t know what I did wrong because her friends called me a creep and a stalker. They talked behind my back. Rather than tell me what I did wrong and tell me to not do that again, they said things like that.

But Alice forgave me, so I guess that doesn’t matter. My friends never actually liked or cared about me, they hated me but tolerated me.

However, my friends Alice and Belinda are also friends with a specific woman Charlotte, who I’m having problems with.

I don’t talk to Alice anymore. She talks behind others’ backs and is very rude but complains about having no friends and being bullied for years. Also, she used to like me, but I’m certain she despises me now.

Belinda is ehh… She convinced me I’ll never be liked because of my disability, but she was right in the end. I guess Belinda’s smart. When I don’t do something she wants, she said she’ll say rude things about me and tell everyone my personal life, then she’ll never speak to me again.

She doesn’t really like her best friend and my good friend Diana, but she pretends she does. In reality, she doesn’t really like anyone besides possibly Alice and a few others, but she doesn’t wanna look bad by being direct about it.

I’d say Diana and Ethan are the only people that actually understand my disability and care about me. Diana has probably talked behind my back about how annoying I am, but I guess I forgive her. Plus, she said everyone can be annoying at times.

Ethan himself has a disability so he understands and cares about me. I can’t talk to him about anything, though, because he’s very, very depressed due to facing harassment.

Diana, of course, is far from perfect, but everyone else is far from perfect too. Belinda sort of has narcissism or outright NPD, so maybe I should cut her some slack since she, too, is neurodivergent.

Back to my recent struggle with Charlotte. She absolutely despises me and thinks I’m scum of the earth. She’s stalked my social media profiles and such, and called me a creep and said I deserved bad things to happen to me. Apparently, this was because I walked up to her and interrupted in the middle of her conversation, which I get.

Because of this, I apologized, but she said she’d never forgive me, that I was just a stupid dog and a creep. She said that like a fly, she’s been trying to get rid of me but I won’t go away, and that she’d, like a fly, hit/kill me if she had to. I don’t get if this is figurative or literal, but I stay away from her now.

Charlotte is known as a fantastic woman, but Diana never saw that in her. Diana says Charlotte seems fake and cruel. Belinda defends Charlotte every step of the way and laughs at every single thing Charlotte says because she’s so great.

Charlotte is known to be very happy-go-lucky, intelligent, and kind, but evidently Diana and I see a very different side to her. To me, she’s sarcastic, cruel, and menacing, if that’s the right word.

She absolutely despises me. I suppose that’s my fault, even if I apologized and Diana also has similar problems.

I should probably accept that I did this all to myself and I will never be liked or accepted by those who know me best that aren’t my family. Maybe my boyfriend will even break up with me once he gets to know me and gets sick of me. I’m literally the friend no one likes, and I’ll just have to accept that I’m a problem, no matter how much I try to apologize for my past mistakes and not paying attention to social cues.

Hopefully, he will stay with me and we last years and even get married like we both hope 💓. If, or when, I move or somehow never see these people again, specifically Charlotte, who I cut contact with, I’ll heal and get a fresh start with my boyfriend.

Diana easily forgave me, though, and I think Belinda did, too, and I told them I’d work on it and not do it again. They did not react with hostility, but they’re also not Charlotte. Charlotte is also trying to control who I and Belinda and Diana talk to, which enraged Diana.

Belinda was quite chill about it, though, since she’s normally chill and doesn’t really like or care about me or Diana. She talks to us, though, because we’re her friends and she doesn’t despise us. Plus, we’re nice to her.

I’m just dumping all my thoughts. I’m not good for anyone, and all I do is hurt others. Ugh. I’m a burden and a mistake to Charlotte, to Belinda, and to her other friends. They’re normally nice, but they despise me, so I did this to myself. After all, people can be as bad as Charlotte in their treatment of others and still be a good person, I guess.

I’m clearly a bad person, since they normally accept others, no matter how badly they miss social cues. If the most accepting people think I’m a burden, then I must be. I’ll try to work on myself. Charlotte probably isn’t a bad person, I am.

I’m well aware, though, and will try to work on myself. I’m kind of upset, so please try to be comforting/reassuring and not like “Yeah, you suck.” I’m aware I suck.

This lady tried to beat me up for being disabled. She gets mad, threatens me, stalks my account, and won’t stop talking abt me and how much I suck and deserve bad things.

She never talks about what I did wrong, used my full name when I don’t like it, etc. I actually hate her so much for what she did but everyone says she’s polite and kind and it sounds unlike her.

She told me to leave her alone, that I was a dog who needs a master and owner, that I can’t speak to anyone and especially not her friends, that I deserved to die and to be raped and murdered.

This one lady is considered very kind. She is to most people, that’s why they consider her this way. The lady’s friend says they’re the problem if the lady is mean to them.

I’ve been treated very badly for having learning disabilities and attention problems. Rather than talk to me and try to help me, this lady tried to beat me up, wants to hurt me, and is now ignoring me because she said she hates me and blocked me. I’m happy without her, though.

Is it possible that she can act like this and still be a good and kind person despite hating people with problems and being a bit homophobic?

This woman I know is friends with some of my friends. However, she is almost always passive aggressive and rude, though sometimes she’ll be polite or ask things about me to get to know me.

She asked me why I even want to talk to her and when I say anything, she says something like “Nice thinking skills”, “How did you figure that out, Sherlock?”, “Just fucking great!” “I hope you die and I never wanna see you again”.

When I’ve asked her, she says she’s fine though and nothing happened to make her this way.

Why does it have to be me? I try to be kind to others, I try to be there for them and friendly, and because of my autism, I get nothing but cruelty for it.

They’re very nice, kind, and accepting and believe in rights for everyone, but that’s only if the person isn’t autistic. They think you should be free to express your opinion and be like a normal person but only if you’re not autistic. You’re not even worthy of rights or kindness if you are. You’re like a small child or an animal. They treat you much, much, differently. They say they’ve always wanted to hurt you but all you are to them is autistic and they can’t hurt an autistic person without being “shunned”, so to speak.

My friend is autistic. A guy, much less awkward than I am, doesn’t have social anxiety. He’s treated with so much kindness even by those people.

Why does he get treated well and I don’t?? Is it because of my social anxiety?? Is it because I’m a woman with autism?

It seems even the “kindest” of people give me crap because of a trait that does not even define me as a person.

It says much more about them than it does me that they choose to treat me this way because of it.

I woke up very early, shaking because of what I talked about yesterday.

(i decided to post this on a throwaway)

I knew a lady. She was friends with my friends. she would talk to me sometimes and give mixed signals. She would be nice to me and then be a total dick.

She would say she liked me and wanted to be my friend but would be very rude and “curt” i guess is the word.

A few days ago, she invited me to her house. she pushed me onto her bed. She told me to take off my clothes.

She said she’d do it for me if i refused. I said no and she said my opinion didn’t matter because i had autism and was less than human.

She hit me and punched me multiple times. She tried to put her hands on my neck and i tried to push her off. She threw her body on me and tried to pin me down.

“Why do you care about me?” she asked. “There are so many people you could focus on, why me?? please be honest.”

I told her I cared about everyone and that i wanted friends, that i found people to be interesting. i told her if she wished, i’d never speak to her again.

She let go of me after a bit, and her mother called her to do something for her and i got all my stuff.

I left the damn house and RAN. She couldn’t do much because she was doing something for her mom so i could leave.

People call her a great lady. People say she loves me, that she’s amazing.

I can’t forgive her. She said i did nothing wrong and that i was just a “stupid little pup” for asking what possessed her to do that.

I truly hate her but my friend calls her a fantastic and even pretty woman. She told me if i ever told anyone, she would slit my throat.