latenightnoir

joined 3 days ago
 

First off, didn't know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I'll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.

Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should've taken, but we'll see later on), I'm looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that "I should go vegan if I'm allergic to veal" a lot of times before, but to my mind it's way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it's not the standard way of doing things, but it's how I want to try to do them for now, at least.

Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don't take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don't, either.

So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It's about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I've primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It's usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others' trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.

Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I've, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.

To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don't want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won't have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can't see.

This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?

Because I tried going for the "safer" people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…

I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!

Jesus Christ, it didn't even take my brain a millisecond to start fantasising...

"You're also a contortionist in this scenario."

 

Spoiler: they're very old.

 

Play the SysShock remake if you haven't!

Fair, could've used a few lighter nudges beforehand. We came close to kissing a couple of times before, but it never materialised and I've never been one to push.

Plus, in all fairness, I was baked out of my gourd and mesmerised by the movie (I can't say I like Sandler movies, but they sorta' entrance my brain into trying to make sense of them every time). It was most certainly not a sexy times kinda' mood for me:))

[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 21 points 2 days ago (3 children)

I don't even know why I bother with this train of though at this point, but I just can't figure out if he seriously believes the shit he's spouting, or if he's just playing up the shock value like an edgelord. I mean, it's clear he's way dumber than he thinks himself to be, but I can't get the nuance in it...

[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Oh, wow, that sounds pretty deep, too! Makes one wonder how things could've gone differently had we caught the hints for what they were.

Or at least they make for cute and funny stories if nothing else!

[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 25 points 3 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (4 children)

Hah! Had something very similar happen to me in high-school.

Had this very metal friend, and being the hormonal teenager I was, I kinda' lusted pretty badly after her. I didn't do or say anything about it, getting along and having someone with whom to chat during metal concerts and while hanging out at the local dive spot for people with such inclinations was enough.

We used to hang out a lot after class, she was one year younger so we had similar schedules. She sorta' hinted that she "didn't dislike" me every now and again, but had a... tumultuous repertoire of random relationships, so my gut told me to hang back. She not once invited me over to her place, though. Until one afternoon when she did.

It was nearing the summer vacation, it was a torrid day from the start, the dive was closed for "renovations" (meaning someone probably puked over the bar again), so we were just sitting aimlessly on a random curb, thinking about what to do. She presented the idea of schmoozing over to hers for a toke and a comedy. My beautiful brain instantly dismissed any 'nefarious' potentialities and set itself to "friendly."

We got over to hers, rolled one up, she selected some Adam Sandler comedy (I honestly don't remember which one, they all blend together in my memory...), and we started happily baking. About halfway through the movie, she tells me she's headed for the washroom to freshen up. I don't even think I registered the though, I just kept absorbing the movie.

She comes out ten minutes later, buck naked and confident. Says nothing and starts returning to the couch. I swivel my head toward her as I felt she was coming, and get but a flash of flesh. My right hand instantly flies to my eyes, I start spouting panicked apologies and a jumble of "fucks" and "shits," then I hurry toward the front door while keeping my eyes covered.

I realised what had happened several months later. She didn't say anything about that afternoon again, and neither did I. We continued hanging out for a couple more years, I think.

[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.blahaj.zone 12 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I hate that I started hearing Gungans explaining 1984 to me now...