Kata1yst

The past week has shown humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist attack left at least 1,300 Israelis dead, among them peace activists and even innocent children. The fates of many more kidnapped civilians still lie in the balance. Meanwhile, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu suggest retaliation…

DAVENPORT, IA—Perplexed by the toddler’s affection for the nonagenarian, sources confirmed Tuesday that local 2-year-old Ava Kerper was getting awfully attached to her 90-year-old grandmother. “She knows the average life expectancy is like, 77, right?” said the sources, who scoffed while watching the child demonstrate her complete and embarrassing obliviousness, wrapping her arms around her grandmother and announcing, “You’re my favorite!” “Personally, if I were going to choose a favorite person in the whole wide world, I’d choose someone with more than six months to live, tops, but hey, you do you, I guess. Christ, this is not going to end well. If this kid’s not careful, Grandma will die with Ava on her lap, and then she’ll live with that regret.” At press time, sources confirmed it was Kerper’s own fault for not learning her lesson with her 98-year-old grandfather.

WASHINGTON—Shedding light on the enduring appeal behind assault rifle ownership, a Pew study released Monday revealed that more Americans were buying AR-15s to defend themselves from toddlers who found their guns. “Many Americans stressed that they felt safer knowing they had an AR-15 at the ready in case their toddler stumbled across a shoebox holding a loaded gun on the floor of a closet and started firing away,” said researcher Jonathan Lieu, noting that the majority of AR-15 owners told his team they purchased the lightweight rifle due to their recurring fears about waking in the night to their 2-year-old giggling as they shot bullet holes through the bedroom door. “One response we often heard was that it was a Second Amendment right for gun owners to defend themselves against their own young children. They also stressed that a baseball bat or pepper spray simply wasn’t enough firepower to take down their gun-toting kids.” Lieu added that many Americans also rushed out to purchase tear gas grenades after their children inevitably got their hands on the AR-15s.

A bill that would allow police in France to spy on suspects by remotely activating cameras, microphone including GPS of their phones has been passed.