Freaky

Went to your first 2 links. Results came.

The later one did say that I have ADHD. the first one gave a chart.

Since you suggested it, I want to give you the results in your inbox and not here in public.. Give me permission in your next reply. I'm hoping you can guide me a bit further based on the result.

And yeah, I will not take medicines recklessly. I just happen to know specifically about adderall through some tv series, that's why I assumed you'd know and I asked you about it.

I need to gather information about some things I'm interested in. You can call it as a self-research.

I see all these youtubers that literally dissecting the whole internet for information, source, knowledge, course and they make things with these from scratch without having no prior and proper knowledge from the start.

Watching these kinds of videos made me to come to 2 conclusions.

Either I really don't know how to use the internet, or I'm too lazy to explore it.

Then I decided to take matters into my own hands. Like the "F*ck around and find out" method. I began surfing articles, google doxxing, forums, reddit, quora, LLMs to get an overall average understanding. Then I stopped at few points, marking them as permanent and important for using the internet.

Reddit was one of them. The real amount of FAFO people in reddit is very low, but at least their advices, shared experiences are legit. But you know, not everybody has the same question.

If I find a subreddit important for my research, there are very few, close to none amount of questions that match my thirst. And as a new user, I just couldn't post or comment.

So what did I had to do? I needed to farm karma. I'm no girl so I couldn't karma-bait using my pu$$y, I started with 1 or 2 comments per day, accumulating 50+ comment karma then I headed to make my first post.

The post usually works well. It gains me some karma. I farm more. Get 100+ post karma. After that, for some reason, I get shadow banned.

I appealed, reddit responded with, "Unfortunately, we cannot....."

This cycle has been happening since the last 11 account for over 3 years.

My current reddit account is my 12th reddit account so far aging around 1 month now. Previous 11 accounts were shadow banned even without me doing any illegal, spamming activity., That's why I deleted them.

I haven't made a comment with my current one. Just upvoting 1 post per day to maintain the streak.

Also I've joined karma farming subs to first gather comment karma then post karma..

This time, I'm very cautious. I hope I don't get shadow banned.

Hell yeah. Time to speed things up...

I'm on lemmy for 15 days now( as you can see in the picture). But this one is 1 day old because I chose to shift to this instance. I'm on mastodon too.

I've known lemmy for more than a year but didn't thought of opening an account because that time, the userbase, feed wasn't like how I intended.

Recently I've decided to shift from centralised social media( facebook, twitter, reddit, telegram etc) to this kind of decentralised, medium userbased but filled with real people kind of social media. Because I felt the need to change.

I'm a male, currently 22. Definitely not a troll account.

And yes, English is not my native language.

I understand that have a lot to unpack. But 'trust' isn't my best suite. Even with a psychiatrist or another known people. The things I've told about myself here is just the surface. So it isn't that personal. I myself am searching if I really have any mental condition like ADHD.

I've never taken any kind of psychiatric medications before. But I've heard about a specific one, adderall. I'm looking forward to your speculations and advices about this specific medicine if you had taken any.

I've no intention to immorally get my hands on adderall just because I was hyped on getting better.

Psychiatrist is available in my hometown. But I've decided to just match my symptoms to any of the syndromes and to take prescribed medications for now.

My city makes me feel suffocated. Everytime I go out for a walk, I pray to God that I don't encounter any known people( e.g. neighbors, relatives, classmates). Known people around me, those extrovert classmates, their presence makes me suffocated. I want to start all over again, with new sets of environment, new sets of people.

That's why, opening myself up to a psychiatrist in my hometown is close to impossible for me.

If you're suggesting to connect to people I know to ease out my succumbness, sadness, sufferings etc, let me tell you the kind of people I'm surrounded with.

My parents are typically ignorant of the existence of mental health, its importance on someone and all about psychological downhill.

They raised me by keeping me in a circle of constant pressure that I had to be the number 1 in the class, in everything. Didn't let me go to picnic, or to a friend's house.

Now, I've grown into a full fledged introvert. Can't understand social cues and can't interact with people.

I don't know the definition of friendship, thus, I don't know whom I can call a friend. I address them as 'classmate', 'junior', 'senior' etc.

Not because nobody didn't try to befriend me, but because, regardless of their 'friendship' with me, I am unable to perceive them as friends from my 'friendly' perspective. Which resulted into me not approaching my classmates to hang out, go out to play, do silly things etc.

I never approach my classmate to hang out with me or go out with me even when I crave human company. I don't even ask them if they have free time. I just don't ask them at all.

I justify my one-ness by thinking that, they might be busy, or they have other works to do.

Unfortunately enough, none of my classmate had hanged out with me, spent time with me so quality-ful enough that I can consider their bond between us.

Everyone has equally played the part of classmates. None were seemed as out-of-ordinary to me. None made themselves feel "special" to me.

This whole dilemma resulted into my hatred towards my parents.

I've strictly decided that, even if I DO DECIDE to go to therapy, it'd be after my parents' normal death and the therapy center will be far from my hometown. Like another end of the country.

While I'm at it, I might explain further about my unfitting virtual presence. For the past 1.5 years, I've been deemed as "paragraph man" or "keyboard warrior" not because I was being hateful or toxic redditors or discord junkies, but because, I simply tend to explain my opinion a bit further when asked( online). Not always though.

The nicknaming doesn't hurt me as I realized that maybe It's my speaking habit. It's not that I explain everything further beyond needed. But when I do, I get deemed as such nicknames.

It resulted into me not approaching people( personally in dm/inbox) in online too.

Then I decided to work on my stories I've been plotting years to write. Now I'm researching for story writing, publishing platforms etc.

To avoid losing sanity so that I don't unalive myself, I've shifted my routine a little bit. Exploring new things, practicing story writing, reading books and venturing through social media.

But still I sometimes fall in the loop, like borderline emotional imbalance. One time I'm energized as an athlete and boom, instantly something goes unexpected and I'm mentally unresponsive/dissociative.

Thank you.

And one other thing. Unaccomplishment and failure over a pre-planned task takes a heavy toll on my mental psyche. It makes me unable to move in real life for quite a long time( 10-12 hours ). Sleeping away the sadness doesn't help either.

What do I do in that situation?

Brother.... I'm slower than a tortoise when it comes to actually executing a pre-planned task. But I'm super fast when it comes to overthinking. Please enlighten me with your knowledge and insights! 🙏

I can't do no more...