Transfem

Idk maybe you could find a more fucked up picture with fewer pixels for us to study =P Seriously, Sky, this isn't a meaningful image. This image allows you to fill in the blanks with whatever terrible emotions you're feeling at the moment you look at it. It doesn't serve you, and you should treat yourself better than this. You're basically bullying yourself. You should get someone who cares about you to take and select some pictures to share. They have a more objective view of your body and appearance.

Anyone can take a bad picture. I can take a shitty, low res picture that makes me look awful. I often have to take and shuffle through several shots to get the good one. And I'm fucking hot =P

I don't know if you need to hear some tough love right now, but I'm going to give it and you can choose to read it or not.

Being unhappy has a huge impact on your appearance. You look fuckin miserable in that image, and I'm betting that's what you're finding unattractive. You know how people always say they see the light in their own eyes after they start transitioning? It's because they aren't deeply miserable anymore, and they can finally be free to express themselves, not because they're suddenly pretty or handsome.

Sky, please, find a therapist that you feel listens to you. I know you've been told this a lot, but there's really nothing any of us can do as much as a good therapist can to lift you out of that pit of despair. DBT has been hugely helpful for me, so maybe try looking for that. And you know...I wouldn't be telling you all of this if I hadn't gone through it myself

I've seen you here and seen your pictures before. This is an unflattering pic of you but no, you don't look like you think you do either.

So much of your problem isn't going to change with just hrt. The problem is you hate yourself. You're probably also conflating beauty with gender. I'll be direct: in a lot of your pics I've seen, you look like a woman. You just also look... terrible. Your hair is a disaster (as an extremely curly haired woman myself, I know it can be difficult to learn how to manage it but managing it once you know how to isn't. Nor is it difficult to get there, it just takes trial and error. I'm not gonna tell you you should lose weight but it seems like you have a lot of negative feelings about it too. That's within your control and if you think you've tried and failed, you either tried something that wouldn't work or didn't try hard enough.

For all of the different ways you hate yourself, I can recommend one of two things: therapy or change it. Or both is better tbh. Change your hair, your clothes, your demeanor. Those will make huge differences. You aren't the way you think you are but you're not a model either and you don't have to be to be a woman

Do you feel like you're going through a rough patch right now, or have you truly not noticed any progress since beginning? Never had any gender euphoria?

Like I go through these rough patches sometimes where I get down on myself and feel like I'm ugly and there's no hope of ever being seen as a woman. Irrational thoughts. They are only temporary, and then I realize all the progress I've made and the changes still occurring. I feel silly for having despaired. At these times, it's important to be patient and control what you can, practice self-love, and work on little things to achieve your goals.

Whereas if you truly feel like two years of HRT hasn't had any feminizing effect, then I think a more in-depth reevaluation is required. It should absolutely change your body, though to what extent is different for everyone. In general, you can count on breast growth and softening of the skin. If you haven't noticed that, then I would recommend seeing an endo because maybe your body has some hormonal issue.

Assuming you really have experienced changes, let's talk about your goals and transition plan. Have you thought about that? HRT is an important piece of the puzzle for us, but it's not everything. Like trying to bake a cake with only an egg, that's not gonna work, you need all the other ingredients.

I have a whole list of transition-related tasks, goals, and progress markers. For example, electrolysis hair removal and voice therapy are two tasks I have started in the past month. Early 2024, I plan surgical consultations, which I have my therapist writing a letter for right now. My partner and I have plans to get makeovers and professional makeup advice. This year, I changed my name and pronouns at work, began dressing more fem in public, wore a full bikini to the beach. I'm exploring what hair and clothing styles feel most authentic after a lifetime of apathy. So it's all falling into place, and very little of that is about HRT. Even my breasts have grown by a cup size this year, and are rounding out nicely.

The point I want to make is that it took over two years to reach the point where I had confidence to do all those things. We're still baby trans after all. There's not like any strict time limits on any of this, but we will change continuously for the rest of our lives. Just make sure you take an active hand in shaping yourself and your identity, if you can do that I think you'll be very surprised by what is possible :)