Wall of text incoming. TL;DR - Love (and cannabis) can change the world
This isn't something I'm proud of, but it's important not to deny who we were, lest we lose sight of who we are.
I very recently had an awakening that started with self-reflection and has continued into what some might call spiritual enlightenment.
Go back a decade or so ago, and you'd see a version of me much closer to who I am today. Somewhere during that decade, I got heavily into conspiracy theories. This put me into a very negative space, as it caused me to see everything with a suspicious eye, always looking for deeper, hidden meaning and not just accepting the chaotic nature of reality.
Despite this, I found love. I became a husband and a father.
Then COVID hit and all my hair-brained theories and predictions started to come true, as far as I saw it.
The Internet started to shun people like me, putting us in the same group as bigots and far-right extremists. More proof I was always right. I was effectively forced out of Reddit and into far-right forums, as they were the only places not censoring the conspiracy theory content I wanted.
This pushed me into a much, much more negative space, as now I had my conspiracy theory discussions in the context of forums filled with bigots.
I spent nearly every waking minute in those forums, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos.
Even though I still considered myself liberal-minded, and even though every person in my life was a positive, progressive influence, I started to agree with those bigots in the forums. By the end of COVID lockdowns, I was a fully-fledged transphobe, believing that the wonderful societal progress we've seen these past few years was actually a conspiracy to weaken humanity in preparation for The Great Reset.
I couldn't discuss my theories with the people in my life for fear they'd reject me. I began to alienate family and friends, removing the last few positive influences in my life, which only pushed me deeper into my delusions.
It took the indiscriminate love of strangers (and, admittedly, a lot of cannabis) to put me into the right state of mind to finally turn my overanalytical, cynical eye inward, and I didn't like what I saw.
I went all-in on my first-ever Tarot reading, desperately trying to find meaning in the chaos within, and I came out the other side a new man.
It took the unconditional love of a lifelong friend who'd recently come out as trans (and, again, a lot of cannabis) to bring me back into that receptive state of mind, and during a deep conversation with them, everything fell into place. I came out of that conversation a new nonbinary individual.
Now I look back to the person I was, and I barely recognize him. He was filled with hate, though he thought it was love. His mind was closed, though he thought it was open.
He was the worst version of me.
I can't deny who I used to be. I can only learn from my mistakes and surround myself with the love of family, friends, even coworkers and strangers on the internet.