Parenting

Antidepressants changed my life. Please ask a doctor for the form awe if your qualify

I can see you have already gotten a lot of good advice, but I'm still going to share my story

For a man, getting a child is boring as fuck the first half a year. That's just how it's. Most mom's essentially gets a head start on bonding with the kid by being pregnant. And its super normal not feeling anything, it just takes time. Just do your best getting as much skin-to-skin contact, I think it helps with the bonding. And its super important for the child, so win-win. If you do it mostly while they're sleeping, you can watch tv, look at your phone. And if you have one of those gaming chairs that recline all the way back, you can even play computer if you're into that.

Then we wanted another kid, and after like half a year my wife got pregnant again, and we're where super glad. But I think a couple of months before the kid came out, I got postpartum depression. And I fucking hated my own kid, I could not stand her. And wanted nothing to do with her. I half remember not wanting anything to do with the baby, but honestly everything is a haze from that period.

In the end, I think after half a year, my wife gave me a ultimatum, either I seek professional help or we breakup and I leave for good. And that was the kicker for me half realising I needed help. Lucky at the time, I was 24 years old. And therapy is free when you're under 25, as we had no money.

I think I went to therapy for a couple of months, and luckily I was slowly getting better.

Now it's about 3 years later, I don't have an inch of depression anymore, and I love my kids more than anything.

Last month we just got our third kid, a now it's way easier bonding with her, because I already know what it entails. But it's still true, it's boring as fuck, she just lays there, and don't do much of anything.

But every month something new happens, and it's gets just a little better.

My other kids are now 3 and 5, and they're the most fun I have ever had with them. I pretend to be s monster and I chase them around, and they running and screaming for their life, while laughing their ass of! it's honestly one of the best feeling and I love it.

But I won't pretend everything is good. We still have to raise them, and it's still hard work everyday! And a lot of time, it's not fun getting angry at your kids, because they straight up just don't listen to you.

All I wanted to say, at first, it just seems like ekstra work and it's! But over the next couple years, when they start becoming an actual human, and you can start playing with them. That's when all the work starts paying off. And Luckily time goes fast when you get kids, almost too fast. And now my oldest is starting school next year, and I already feel like I'm not ready for her to grow up that much!

It will definitely get better, it just takes time, and everything you're feeling, is valid and normal. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

And please just ask if you would like to know anything, or want me to elaborate, if I have explained something badly. I wrote everything on mobile, so sry for formatting or spelling mistakes.

I feel bad about saying this, and this is more for other people, but don't let other people's expectations push you into having kids. If your partner wanted five kids and you didn't even know if you wanted one, you were incompatible and you should have ended things once you discussed this like responsible adults. Instead you brought someone else into the world who may suffer just so you could try it out.

I'm not saying this to say you're a bad person. Honestly, this wouldn't happen to a bad person probably. You're a good person who let expectations push you into a position you didn't belong.

As others say, you may end up bonding with them later, and that will be great. They won't be a baby forever, and also you're really tired and probably grumpy right now. That's all fair. I hope for your kid that things work out, but for anyone else reading this, if you don't agree on children with your partner, it's time to find someone else. That's a fundamental thing that needs to be the same. It's like if you want to be monogamous but your partner doesn't. That's just not going to work. There are some things that you just need to share or break up. It doesn't make you bad for doing so. Also, yes, it'll hurt and suck, but it's the responsible thing to do.

It gets easier. The first 3 months are absolutely terrible.

Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.

1. When we had our first kid (12 now), I really struggled with the emotional connection piece for weeks. It’s common. I don’t think I had a strong emotional connection until she was like 2 or something. I had bad anger issues, dealing with my own depression & BS. But, she’s 12 now.
2. With our second, the emotions for her came faster. I was in less stress, more established career wise, but my wife struggled more with postpartum. She never struggled with depression and finally found herself going through feelings of inadequacy & feeling like a failure. She got on meds, made a big difference, and it eventually worked out with her getting off of them.
3. Our third kid was significantly easier for both of us. We had different struggles, but it wasn’t kid related.

I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.

You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.

I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.

Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

I didn't feel that bad, but certainly when my kid could talk and understand things got a lot nicer. You could understand specifically what the kid wants and the kid can learn some patience and half more fun in a way that's vaguely fun for the parents too.

You might want to talk to a mental health professional as well, but I'd not be too worried about not enjoying being around a 3 week old.

Oh also, at least for me, from about 2 years old all the effort was well worth it. Happiest times of my life. Cherish the time before they start asserting independence as a teenager. Still good times for me, but certainly different ..

Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don't think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.

This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They'll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it'll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.

I didn't want kids. Shit happened. It took about 18 months for me to feel anything for my kid. Those 18 months were a war against sleep deprivation and time deprivation. The wife left a year or two later. Left my kid with me. Single dad shit for the next, well, going on 25 years now. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I'm still sick with guilt bringing a kid into this fucked up world, but I love my kid.

This doesn't help you, but I also got a vasectomy about 6 months after he was born. I should have done it earlier. My advice to anyone is, don't have fucking kids. Get a vasectomy ASAP and live your life. Unless you come from big time old money, or get incredibly lucky, kids just add incredible stress and money drain for a minimum of a couple of decades.

If somebody doesn't want kids, they should never let anyone talk them into it.

I don't want kids and I always get weird looks from family and friends but I don't care.

Situation in the world is terrible and on top of that I know that I wouldn't be a good parent.

OP, you're a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don't know if I could do what you are doing, and I don't have any advice to give, but just know I'm rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can't say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you'll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can't reach while he's an infant? Anyway, good luck!

I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game.

You will love your kid, don't worry about that. Maybe you already do. There is no ah-ha moment, so it's hard to tell. It's not the same feeling as loving a significant other or a parent. It's something else entirely and you've never experienced it before, you probably don't realize you have it. My wife was the same way, took her a bit, but she loves it now.

You are killing it in the effort game. You've done an amazing job so far. Frankly, if what you say is true, you're making most of us look pretty bad, myself included. Be proud. Also get your mom to help. From an evolutionary perspective, that's what grandmas are for, so don't feel bad asking for help.

I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

First, you're exactly the type of person who should be having a kid. So many intelligent, good, empathetic, introspective people choose not to have kids because of the reasons you listed, but let's be honest, they're scared little bitches. You're not one of them anymore. You have a living, breathing stake in the future and you have your shit together because you had a kid on purpose. Could your shit be more together? Perhaps. Does it need to be? No. Your shit is good enough. People in worse situations have kids and it works out.

If you and people like you didn't have kids, then the only people having kids would be... bad. It would be bad and we can't have that. So thank you, there will now likely be another good, intelligent, empathetic, and introspective person to take your place someday.

Second, I don't know what it means to be happy either but I don't care. I think that makes me happy in some way. But who knows, all I know is I'm not sad, and that's good enough for me.

Third, you'll be able to do the things you want to do. Things are a bit busy at the moment but as others have said it'll get easier. Your wife will continue to recover (but beware post partium depression) and your kid will get more and more capable. It happens fast.

Lastly, ask yourself why the crying bothers you so much? If it's just the volume, then wear ear protection. That helped me. If it's not the volume, then what is it?

I guess the best thing to do would be to publish your experiences to other people. You're in this now, but you can prevent others from making the same choices if you inform them about what it entails. That will make you feel better because you're contributing sth to the world. :)

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

I feel like things get much better once your kid is potty trained. At that point you no longer have to deal with poop and your kid is old enough to be more fun/human.

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

man, i hope things turn around for you. only advice i can think of is tough it out, and do your best to not take it out on the kid like so many fathers do