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Relationship Advice

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How can I (M24) protect myself from terrible relationships (lemm.ee)
submitted 11 months ago by imperialcoder@lemm.ee to c/relationship_advice@lemmy.world
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recently I had a relationship that took a turn for the worst. I started working part time at a coffee shop in my town and found a girl that took a liking to me. Me also being intreseted, we started hanging out outside of work a lot. The more we hung out the more and started developinig feelings for eachother. Eventually both of us got together after a steamy night out despite my better judgement.

She had expressed being in a lot of abusive relationships, struggling with addiction to many substances in the past, and had terrilble parents and family. I empathized and thought I could be a better person in her life. at this point, I planned a camping trip for the two of us to get away from all the crazy for a bit.

fast forward, she moves out of her parents place and becomes very distant. me being concerned, I keep asking whats going on but she keeps pushing away. eventually after 3 weeks of her not responding, I ask if she ever really even wanted to be in a relationship with me and she said no. Devistated, I cancel and trip and avoid her during work. She then get's frustrated that I'm not acting the same way around her anymore and that I had cancled the trip. I express to her how I felt about the situation and why I canceled the trip and I felt like she understood.

a few weeks later, after I get back from the camping trip I had planned where I had decided to go by myself, she texts me she's feeling suicidal and needs some support right now. I drop everything and go to her place consul her as I've been there. she then expresses to me she's been struggling with bpd for a while. I tell her if she ever needs help or needs anything from me to just let me know.

A week later, she starts to flirt with me again at work and I take it as she's intrested in me again. despite my better judgement, I take the flirting too far by touching her butt briefly as she was showing me her holes in the back pockets of her pants, wiggling her fingers through. Without giving it a second thought, I do the same with my left hand thinking nothing of it as we had been intimate. After doing so, she looks disgusted and I say I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

I then go to her place the next day with some snacks to appologize. She wasn't home so I just left them at her door with a snapchat explain myself. She then takes a screenshot of my snapchat out of context, sends it to the police, and claims that I've raped her, sexually assulted her, and have been stalking her. claims we never had any kind of relationship and gets me thrown in jail for a couple of days.

TLDR: girl I've been dating for a few months makes false claims I've raped her and have been stalking her. Without question or evidence, I get thrown in jail and have been dealing with legal fallout, mental, emotional, and financial struggles since.

It's been a few month since, lots of therapy sessions, tons of meds, and I've gone through most of the legal stuff. I'm now left feeling I'm no longer safe as a man. I'm so traumatized I finding it hard to leave the house anymore and increasling hard to talk to and trust others.

I guess what I really want to know is how can I protect myself as a man in the future from these kinds of things? I've asked my therapist, many of my friends, and family members to no avail. Most of them come from a religous background or havn't dealt with anything remotly similar. Let me know your thoughts bellow.

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[–] dudewitbow@lemmy.ml 11 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

To some people, anyone coming out of a bad relationship, especially multiple, which includes their parents to some is a red flag (can be caused by someone for instance being bipolar, which reminds me of a roomates girlfriend to some extent).

These people at times can either be hard to work with or very controlling (or both), so some people try not to bother. A lot of people have bad bagage on them, and its really up to you to decide how much you can tollerate.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

you're absolutely right, I've been finding that out a lot in therapy recently. I've always tried to be impartial and always give people a chance as I've had really good friends in my life who've gone through some tough shit, but I tend to forget my own needs a lot of the time. Thanks for the wisdom, appreciate it

[–] SatansInteriorDsgnr@lemmy.world 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

The only way to not repeat this is to learn from it. I'm a big proponent of "attract, don't chase." When you are the absolute best version of yourself, happily doing your own thing and living your best life, people find that attractive. Try to volunteer or go to hobby events/shops, you're going to find people who like what you like and try to find a relationship that is a positive feedback loop. I think you should want to do everything in your power to make your partner happy because their happiness brings you joy and your partner should feel the same about you. Boost each other until you both reach your goals.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

It's been a rough 2 years beyond this just happening and I guess out of desperation I felt like it was the only good thing going for me in my life. that in contrast with my last relationship, where we had been dating for a whole year but due to me losing my job I had to move back home. she never really said she wanted me to stay and that influenced my descision to move back. after the fact, I felt like I should have fought for our relationship and for me to stay. I've since reached out and she said she would have loved if I had stayed but understood that I couldn't and didn't really question it. I've since learned now to just let it be. if it's not working out, it's not working out. Thank you for your comment, really appreciate it!

[–] SatansInteriorDsgnr@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Oof, sorry you're having such a rough time right now. I wouldn't feel too bad about the woman you had to leave behind though. Because relationships are a two-way street and she has to put some effort in too. If she didn't fight for you or try to figure out a way to make it work for you both, then she wasn't prioritizing the relationship anyway. As an example, my partner and I lived at least 1000 miles from anyone we knew and we had no support system. When my partner, who was the breadwinner at the time, lost her job, we together found a new solution. Yes, it meant picking up and moving across the country again in less than a year, but the alternative was homelessness. Never once was our relationship on the line, even if our housing was. There's someone out there who thinks being apart from you is the worst life choice ever, so don't miss her by being sad about the ones who aren't her.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 4 points 11 months ago

it's ok, I'm taking it day by day and hoping for the best. also wow, she sounds like a keeper for sure! I've never had a relationship that strong before, even friends. I'll definitely keep that in mind in my next relationship. I tend to be a over giver when it comes to anyone in my life 😅 I'm learning to set more boundaries now

[–] ruckblack@sh.itjust.works 9 points 11 months ago (1 children)

BPD is the biggest red flag for me.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 4 points 11 months ago (1 children)

yeah... as soon as I found out that should have just ended it there. sadly the span for when I found out to being arrested was one week. there were earlier signs like the mood changes I should have picked up on but it's a skill I've been trying to figure out with my therapist. thanks for the comment!

[–] ruckblack@sh.itjust.works 3 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Oh yeah don't feel bad. It's only a hard line for me after tolerating a woman who has absolutely zero handle on her emotions for more than 2 years. Sorry to hear about your situation. I don't really know what we can do to entirely avoid the crazies.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 2 points 11 months ago

dam two years is a long time to learn something like that. at least we can learn from our mistakes. for now though, taking a year or two break just to get myself in a better place

[–] thantik@lemmy.world 6 points 11 months ago (1 children)

I really don't know any solid advice that I could give you that would be 100% foolproof, to be honest. Some women like to be chased, others don't. Others are manipulative, and some are just normal honest people.

The biggest piece of advice I ever got from a friend was "Would YOU date you?". At the time, I wouldn't. I learned to love myself for whoever I was and not to try to measure my life by having or not having a relationship. And don't forget to work on yourself - working on yourself to the point where you can answer "Would YOU date you?" as a "YES", will get you there eventually. Believe in yourself. If you can't believe in yourself, how can others believe in you?

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 2 points 11 months ago

your totally right! at the time I thought I was comfortable with myself but looking back its been a rough journey to realize I never really did. part of me thinks thats the religious aspect of my past haunting me on top of being treated horribly by my extended family in the past. thank you for the great advice

[–] jet@hackertalks.com 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

To protect yourself, when you ran into the first red flag, when she didn't respond to you for a couple weeks. End it, cut all contact, it's not working out - no reason to extend it.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 3 points 11 months ago

I should have just ended it there, you're totally right. sadly at the time I felt like since we where coworkers I had to keep it friendly. thanks for the advice

[–] Linus_Torvalds@lemmy.world 4 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

I can't provide more to the topic at hand than all the other commenters before me. And I agree mostly. But I want to add this:

In hindsight, it is easy to call out all the red flags and say "Oh my, I should have ended this months ago". This does not do justice to the reality of relationships. Not everyone with psychological issues is undatable. Red flags are more of a weighted factor, rather than a hard line. It always depends.

I am struggling to make this point adequately, but the bottom line is: If you are in a happy relationship, you will probably find red flags regardless. It is just that you both can talk about them/improve.

[–] shalafi@lemmy.world 5 points 11 months ago (1 children)

You make a great point that young folks need to hear. Going off a lot of dating experience, combined with what I've read online, many people, particularly younger people, think they should give up if a single thing turns them off. A red flag isn't a deal killer, you just have to decide if you can't put up with that particular red flag.

My gf is mad jealous, and I've said for years I wouldn't put up with that particular brand of boolshit. Yet, here we are. She knows this about herself, which is key! If she was in denial about it, I probably would have ended the relationship. I've decided this one thing is just something I'll have to deal with.

And me? I'm moody and have occasional temper tantrums, not rising to the level of physical abuse or name calling. Most importantly, I know this about myself, can admit it and work on it. She knows this about me and decided she can live with it.

I'm sure someone will come along and tell me we're both poisonous and need to break up. Let's just say that at 52-yo, I've been with a great variety and number of women, and she's the finest I've ever met for me. And while she doesn't have nearly the experience, I'm the best she's ever landed. We're disgustingly happy. 🥰 If y'all can keep it on the downlow, I'm going to ask her to marry me soon.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 3 points 11 months ago

glad you found someone like that! my parents are almost a spitting image of something similar to that 😂 thanks for sharing and best of luck with the proposal

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 2 points 11 months ago

I'll definitely keep that in mind as I keep dating, although it might be a while before I get back out there. thanks for the advice I really appreciate it

[–] protovack@lemmy.world 1 points 11 months ago (1 children)

just because a random chick "takes a liking to you" does NOT mean you should hook up. Sex leads to feelings and connection, and you did that before finding out how crazy she was. Never do that. Always take at least a couple months of getting to know someone before you have sex. that will filter out a lot of problems before they even begin.

[–] imperialcoder@lemm.ee 1 points 11 months ago

we had been going out or hanging out for a month or two. I don't claim it was right but it was the moment. I never planned to be into her as we where coworkers but hindsight is hindsight. I'm just moving forward now