Mental Health

I create my own unique fucked up cycles :3

I'm too heavy for my bicycle and the wires keep snapping, and they're hard to replace due to the disc brake :(

I hope I'll be able to improve my mental and physical health this summer

I broke the cycle. Stepped away from toxic family just in time for the alt-right hole to start sucking everyone in. Now I get to watch as my nieces and nephews get subjected to the cycle.

It's fucking depressing.

I spent so much of my life breaking cycles before I ever knew I was breaking cycles. Before I had the understanding and the words to describe my reactions to this world, the only thing I really knew was that other people made me feel bad and I didn't want to make other people feel the same way I did.

So much of my behaviour came out of defiance. However my acts of defiance are subtle. When someone maee me feel bad or told me I can't do something, I'll spend my time trying to figure out why I felt so bad or why they didn't want me to do something by doing it anyways (within reason). I never came back to fight them or prove a point. I used that knowledge or experience to quietly defy them more in the future. I used that knowledge or experience to be kinder to other people that came into my life.

When my family chose to ignore me, I defied that behaviour by acticely listening to everyone else. When my family chose to make me feel judged and guilty, I defied that behaviour by allowing people to be themselves without explanantion. When my family chose to only view me as a stereotype, I defied that behaviour by allowing people the time to show me who they were without labels. When my family chose not to take the time to understand me, I defied that behaviour to make sure other people felt understood.

For all the pain from all the trauma I experienced, I know I've been able to turn that into something that made other people feel accepted and whole. It was always unexpected when those people showed appreciation for me. Even some of the people that showed appreciation for me were completely unexpected.

When it's my turn to die, I will at least be able to die at peace with myself knowing that others felt safe to be themselves around me and that they deeply appreciated that. Being kind when so many people around me are so unkind takes too much energy. But I won't stop, that defiant part of my brain won't let me.

Proud to say I am, and my parents are too (they did their best, though they couldn’t break all the cycles at once), hopefully the next generation can grow up with minimal generational trauma (once I’m finally ready for kids, which is probably still 10 years away)

I'm sorta soft disowned because I am, or I was? I think the people I called out for abuse kinda just showed their true colors when I was low/no contact for the better part of a decade, but given all I know is from secondary family intelligence reports, occasionally I am unsure of that generally as well.

I sort of am, because I’ve been kind of forced into the role, being the only person in my immediate family and one of relatively few in my extended family to have left the Catholic Church. I have a hard time really vocally trying to break patterns, since I’m the “outsider”. But I do what I can to make sure that I don’t replicate those negative patterns

Some of these, some of the time, not all at the same. And I think that can depend on if I've had my morning coffee yet or if I'm having one of those days where I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm definitely becoming one. Didn't realize I had to until putting time into therapy

Understanding other people's reasoning is important too.

Everyone's perspective makes sense to them.