Ask Lemmy

Sure, you can be whatever kind of man you want. You probably won’t find a lot of … “conventionally attractive” women who are into that though

Did you see some of the guys at the Oscars this year?

Colman Domingo SLAYED it.

https://www.instyle.com/best-dressed-men-oscars-2025-11689188

We can have sash belts now? Nobody told me!

I would imagine that a cute appearance involves attention to detail. Get your hair cut more often. Pay more attention to your skin and nails. Find a good moisturizer.

Your first paragraph is like looking in a mirror lmao. Hi!

Dating your typical woman was a path to constant failure for me growing up. My endless mixed house parties throughout college never lead to anything sexual let alone romantic either. Stuff like that. Failing to attract each other, there was just an obvious disconnect. I'd get plenty of initial attention (mainly because I'm extreme tall), but once talking we slid off each other. Maybe you get what I mean more than most. Took me too long to figure out why I couldn't find a partner. One nickname was Gentle Giant among friends. I was so unsuccessful people accused me of being closet gay.

Don't find male mind/bodies attractive, and said house parties included very gay and very open roommates. In the end I figured out mentally masculine women do it for me, and there's mutual interest within that grouping. Non-binary especially. We really like each other. But there's a subsection that really matters to me:

and expressing a desire to protect me.

That just does it for me more than anything else. Often found in people who have another quality... something I struggle to describe. People Who Seem To Collect Good People? Best I can do without writing paragraphs. Maybe someone else can do it justice.

So the short answer is: I can only speak of my own bumbling around in this weird thing called life. Possibly experiment more. It could be the problem isn't you, but who you pursue!

Shorter answer:

but IRL is the good stuff. Usually they're not in a dress though :P

Cute works, I know several cases where it did. If you feel like you don't emit the sexy vibes enough, try to think of ways you could express your sexuality in harmony with your cute style. Cute doesn't mean asexual, but you need to show it in some way. Perhaps look at how cute women do it not to come across as childish and disinterested in sex - it can be done, cute, wholesome and sexy can coexist well.

That's totally fine! You can still ask people out just the same as anyone else. Love finds those who don't explicitly seek it out. Form friendships, and love is a natural extension of that.

That goes for any sexual orientation, too. Being nice to people goes a long way.

The way to my heart is kindness, gardening, and shortalls (because God, people look so cute in them).

What's your age range? I think it's possible more younger women would want the stereotypical masculine man, but I think over 30 and maybe earlier, women tired by the superficial masculinity would be attracted by your kind of personality. Personally I like a balance of both.

Bro, I'd love to change with you. I tend to be the opposite, I fear I often come off as aggressive and rude when in fact I am only pissed off at a computer for beeping the wrong way all week.

You say you have some (good) friends, have you considered just asking that? "How do you perceive me, I worry I look ?"

There are definitely women who like and appreciate a partner like that. Particularly, demi-sexual women would absolutely love a supportive and caring partner. Pansexual women could too. Many women may not realize they're demi or pan and don't usually advertise themselves as such, but they are there.

I myself don't act very masculine and don't relate well with other men. I identify as the gender apathetic flavor of non-binary. Not being masculine or feminine in mannorisms. I appear male, but like you, my mannerisms are gentle and caring. I definitely have had women friends see me "as a little brother" and cared about me in a platonic way... I don't know if there's a way out of that 😅... BUT they will help you find a date.

When I met my future wife, I let her know I wanted to date her before being friends but after being aquatinted. She appreciated my politeness and care and reciprocated it back. We've been married for 10 years now. Found out later she was demi-sexual. She didn't find me attractive at first (she didn't find anyone truly attractive), but she did as she loved me more.

I was the exact same way in high school before I came out as trans and had no problem interacting with women and even had 2 romantically interested in me because I was soft and sweet. Stick with it and you'll find someone. Don't let other guys bully you into throwing it away, being true to yourself is a form of confidence and confidence is sexy.

Here's the thing. Most women I've met aren't superficial. If you were to gather a bunch of girls and get them to rank each other by attractiveness, you'd effectively get them ranked by extroversion. Also, a bunch of the stereotypical manly things make for bad partners.

I think a lot of the signals you are sending will be recieved as Dad Material. This means you will only attract girls that want to settle down and who imagine a future where you and a little mini version of them are having the best princess tea parties. I see this as a blessing, but this also means you will attract the crazy ones who want you to impregnate them immediately right now.

I am pretty similar to how you described yourself. Four years ago, i also was in a similar rut, although i had dated several girls at that point. Three years ago, I met a girl that was literally everything I wanted in a partner and more. A year and a half ago, I proposed to her, and this year we are going to get married. As far as I know, literally everyone who meets me tells her she's got the most amazing partner and that she's so lucky to have such a caring, polite sweetheart as her future husband. The only person who doesn't like me is her Karen of a mom, because I think she envisioned her perfect little girl marrying a rocket surgeon or something. I think this is similar to how you'll end up.

Also, if I'm reading you right, you sound like either a teen or a new adult, since you're still figuring yourself out. As an adult, I never had a hard time getting a partner; I suspect you won't either. Just keep working on yourself.

As someone who is probably 3x your age and has been around the block a few times in some non-standard social circles, let me assure you there are plenty of women out there looking for exactly what you described yourself as. Are they the majority of , probably not, but who cares? You aren't looking to date 500 people, just 1.

Be yourself and go find her.

Cute? like a baby turtle!!

This is how you end up in an abusive relationship....

As a man, men think women care about looks more than they do.

Looks are much bigger for men than for women.

Obviously a massive generalisation, but in general. Like "men are physically stronger than women". Not all men are stronger than women but...

Anyway.

Looks really don't matter that much. I'd say women pay more attention to personality with the same difference as there is between how much men value looks vs how women value looks.

Also, if I was being very crude, I'd say "status" is the "looks" for women. That's what you get very beautiful women with older rich men more than you do young hot men with old riches women.

But I'd like not to be crude so disregard that last bit.

Well, I find it atractive when a man doenst want to fit gender roles

I'm a guy, I find Tomboyish woman hot as fuck!

Though to talk about the views of the other gender:

Literal womanizer, that is all that needs to be said.

Also this guy, who frequently cross dresses and is constantly mentioned as having "otherworldly beauty"

Need another example?

you just need more cool friends. feminine men are out there dating lesbians all the time.

There's someone out there for everyone. I wish you luck finding them.

I have an ex who is like you, and i love that about him, it is one of his most attractive qualities.. we are still besties but didnt work out due to me figuring out my identity as primarily being attracted to femme people (yes i think thats why i loved him so much lol) but he was not into presenting that way. Also i was becoming more and more masc and he's straight.

Now that i think about it, this might be the opposite of encouraging lmao...hopefully mine was just a fringe case, but honestly the only reason i would ever choose to do it differently if i could, would be because he would have those ywars back to find the right person. I don't regret the relationship and he's one of my dearest friends.

Anyyway, im high as fuck and im gonna go watch tv with my girl. Lol

I only have one piece of advice from my experiences: be your authentic self and dont be afraid to open yourself to others. If you do, the right people tend to just show up. its honestly magical. Good luck to you. :)

Most people are attracted to others or not attracted to other based on visual information and pheromone information. Then secondarily, people become more or less attracted to someone based on personality.

So if your personality is not dominant and comes across as submissive or mild, that really probably has zero impact at all on the initial attraction of others.

You do you, it's the only true ay to be happy. You'll attract women that were raised in a family where the wife took on a more dominant role and the father was a chill laid back guy. In my experience it's inevitable, we're made up of our parents DNA.

Gonna put this out there because nobody else has said it but you might want to glance over at @egg_irl@lemmy.blahaj.zone and see how things relate to you. You are perfectly within your rights to be a lesbian if you would prefer that.

Absolutely brother!

You can, but overall women won’t appreciate it. For all the talk, nearly every couple you see outside is conventional.

So you’ll be looking at 1% of your dating pool, and having to find a suitable match from that reduced choice.