He'd remove the lid of the toilet exposing the refill tubes, take the hose off the tube and use it as a bidet. Then he'd take the shower curtain and make an air tight seal over the toilet tank and poke a hole, he sits on the hole and makes a new air tight seal and starts flushing the toilet, this creates a slight vacuum effect causing the water on his man seal from the bidet to evaporate a bit faster than being exposed to the air. Then he stuffs the curtain into the toilet clogging it and breaks off the float in the tank, the room very slowly floods with water, right as he is about to run out of air he takes a deep breath and starts shoving on the door and with the water filling the room there is enough outward pressure for the door to fly open and both he and the bathroom attendant are able to escape.

We're missing way too much context here. Public or home? My home or someone else's? How many other people are nearby? Which body parts are involved? If this is a poop situation, how much and how firm? Is there a bidet/hygiene sprayer?

Depending on context there are many potential solutions:

• Waddle to another stall/undersink cabinet and look for spare rolls.
• Sacrifice "lefty" until you can get to the sink.
• Sacrifice undies forever, tossing them in the trash.
• Use the tube as-is.
• Use the tube after wetting it.
• See if there are paper seat liners that could be pressed into service.
• Or, y'know, ask for help. I understand that in certain conditions, three squares to spare should do it.
• Pull up pants and move along. Make extensive and unfriendly eye contact, implicitly daring anyone to say anything.
• Move into the stall permanently. You're a toilet-human now.

Cut out three cardboard seashells.

Try finger but hole

Shove toob up my ass, poop through the toob, no poop on my ass, go about my day

Use his Swiss Army poop knife

Flush the toilet, then dip your ass in the toilet water and clean it out with your fingers, then go wash your hands. Then go shake hands with somebody knowing that they shook your hand that was just cleaning your dirty asshole. That’s how you show dominance.

PSA: The poop knife is there so you can also rob other stalls of their toilet paper.

Speaking from experience, I had a roommate once that kept "borrowing" my tp and would never replace it, so one time when I went to the bathroom to discover I was out of shit tickets I ended up using his socks that were in the dryer.

Tear the sleeves off his shirt

peel off the rest of that carbon paper.

Chest hair.

check your wallet for receipts. use a sock or two.

Isn't it standard knowledge? You unroll the tube trying to separate the layers as thinly as possible, then you crumple them as much as possible so they are less harsh and use them as normal.

Take the cardbard roll, crumble it, wet it, unravel the layers, and use them as wet wipes. Definitely not as good as a 4-ply toilet paper, but does the job in a real pinch.

He’d change the damn roll and not expect someone else to do it.

once when there wasn't any toiletpaper at work I rolled this roll up, then split it and had 2 pieces of toilet paper

MacGyver in all his solo act: "With only the use of a paperclip and a brand new toilet paper roll I was able to get out of the stinky situation."

A real leader would teach/inspire the people in other stalls to play the rusty trombone.

Some of my friends used to call me MacGyver. Got introduced with that name a couple times. You need something juryrigged... I'm your man.

Process the roll into scrapers to get clean enough, then source to/wipes.

Use the shower curtain

I don't know who this MacGyver guy is, but MacGruber would shove a celery stalk in his ass and run around as a distraction.

Refill the roll from the supply closet.

I've peeled these apart before and used that. It wasn't great, but it worked.

There was an old reddit post, or maybe funnyjunk, where someone said they crumbled up the tp roll in their hands from the start of the shit until it wasn't hard anymore. There was a picture too, not sure how I would find that

Do do

Bidet.