Come talk about psychology and related disciplines.
Checks out. My father was a drunk, junkie and a deadbeat. He was barely there my entire youth and killed himself when I was 15.
I'm now older than he was when he hanged himself, and my life is just regret after heartbreak, ad infinitum. If he taught me anything, it was that I should've taken exit stage left a long time ago.
I'm glad you didn't. The things that happened to you weren't your fault, and there is always time and a chance for things to get better so long as you're alive.
Man, thanks for the well-wishes but in my 4 decades of life I've only ever seen it gradually get worse, never better. At this point my quality of life is near zero, so me karking it would only result in a net positive for the world. The one thing I regret most is always trying to 'stay strong'. I acted that part well enough that no one including my partner, takes me seriously when I say I can't go on and need help.
But that's how it always goes. My next door neighbor went through the same, ended up swinging from his back porch. He was replaced & forgotten in less than a year. I've always known my own fate one day would be similar.
You do know that you need to seek out professional help right?
Sounds like a family history of depression. Genetically linked and triggered by environmental conditions. It's not something you can just "stay strong" and overcome. It's about as futile as trying to stop diabetes by not peeing so much.
Now as to whether or not you are worth keeping around I have no clue. You are just a few sentences on a anonymous site to me. I have nothing to base an impression on. With your illness, you have less of a clue than I do. It's the disease warping your sense of reality.
It's a fucked up disease that has no easy solutions for. However, as long as you are breathing, you might as well see if you can figure out how to enjoy doing so.
Checks out for me too - though mine accidentally died while on the way to kill himself around the same age and he wasn't quite a deadbeat. With untreated ADHD and other childhood traumas to boot (no, not the suffering Olympics and I hope it doesn't come across that way - just want to be clear that you're not alone).
I'm really sorry that you've been through the shit that you have. I cannot emphasize enough that you are a worthwhile human being, regardless of how people or life events have made you feel, and deserving of love and happiness.
I found medication and therapy to be life-changing, myself. I highly recommend seeking such assistance as you have both childhood and adulthood trauma that it sounds like you could use help. If you need assistance in figuring out what resources are available to you, feel free to DM me and I'll give it a try.
Father was never around when I was younger, he was always on the job. got abused by a trusted older relative, so it's not in a vacuum, but definitely am an alcoholic (with over 5 years of sobriety). My mental and emotional health has been my top priority since my divorce like 3 years ago. Slowly making progress, but it all feels like way too much sometimes.
My therapist gave me a great bit of advice, in the dark at 2AM is not when you can best judge your situation. Always in the light of the next day it appears as it's true self, and it's not as scary then. Don't make dramatic, life-altering decisions in the dark at 2AM.
Another strategy to get rid of suicidal thoughts, is to have something you want to do before that. Say, if you're going to off yourself, might as well try that one thing, or punch that one person, or sky-dive, or something before you do. Not ready to pull out all the stops and do that one thing? then you're not ready to kill yourself either. So hold off. Because pain is temporary, and joy can still be found.