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Okay, I see you. I'm part of the bidet users, so I'll weigh in.
Warm water bidets exist, they're a bit more of a hassle to install, but they exist, and I promise you that it doesn't really matter. I have a basic cold water bidet, and it's not as weird as you would think, and I thought I would want the warm water bidet like you, but after a few uses, I didn't care at all. I'm not here to convince you between warm/cold water, if you want it, that's totally fine.
It's definitely not messier. Initially sure, it's probably a complete mess, but you're not just doing a quick/short spray. After a few seconds, everything is running clean. The water is clean and so are you.
Wiping is still a thing. I've heard some fancy bidets have air dryers to finish the job, it's not what I have/use, so I dry myself with TP. Unless you spend a fortune, you will too. I'll say that it takes significantly less tp on average to dry myself off from the bidet than it does to clean myself with TP alone. So my TP use is significantly reduced. Saving money on TP by smartly using a little water, is a good trade IMO.
I wouldn't say TP is "successful". I would say it's adequate at best. In a pinch it does enough to keep the smell and filth to a minimum. By no means is the bidet perfect, certainly there are improvements that can be made, but it's better. To put this in perspective, when you next tear a sheet of TP and get some of it on your hand, try wiping it off with TP and see if you feel like your hand is clean. I'd put money on the fact that it won't feel clean until you properly wash it. That's what you're doing with your asshole. You wipe it down with paper and then go about your day. It's "clean"... As in, not caked in shit, but it's still not really clean. There's still bacteria and other gross ass shit (pun absolutely intended) on your anus.
Additional to that, your butthole is a sensitive membrane on your body that you're cleaning with coarse paper all the time. Bidets have been shown to help with various anus related issues like hemorrhoids. Do you want hemorrhoids? If so, keep scraping that sandpaper over your butthole and I'm sure you'll get there some day.
To the point of it being "too much work": my partner and I picked up a luxe bidet neo (I think it's the 120). Super cheap, no frills model. We didn't want to invest because, like you, we weren't sure if we were going to like it/use it. We do, all the time. We're planning on renovating and adding a new bathroom and the new bathroom is getting a bidet when it goes in. Something very nice. Without question. But the luxe model we have was less than $100, and attached to the existing water hookups. It came with everything we needed (we had to also fix a slow leak on the main inlet to the toilet, so we replaced most of the lines in the process, but if our lines had been good, we would have only needed the extra hardware that came with the bidet, in the box). To that end, it's only a matter of picking one up for less than $100 and taking 15 minutes to install using the directions. No plumber needed, no special tools required (maybe just some wrenches... The bidet comes with some plastic wrenches that are Ikea quality, so having an adjustable/worm-gear wrench is helpful).
So if you have less than $100 sitting around doing nothing, and you can spare 15 minutes.... You can have a bidet. So I respectively disagree that it's "too much work to implement".
I'll leave you with this statement: don't knock it until you try it. It's changed our lives for the better.
Okay, thank you for your very detailed response, at times too detailed. But you've convinced me to at least try it. I just ordered the luxe 120 plus on Amazon for $45, we'll see how it goes.
Again, thank you for this potentially life changing information.
I think you'll be disappointed with the bidet. Your original comment is correct, they are inconvenient and solve a non-problem.
It's annoying waddling from the toilet to the bidet with a dirty ass. It takes time to wash. Then you use more paper to dry than you would have to just wipe. And you don't feel cleaner afterwards because wiping is fine.
There's no polite way to say it, some people like bidets because they make a big mess when they use the toilet. For them bidets are more convenient than paper. For the average person wiping is quicker and easier.
Just in case, the bidet type they were describing attaches to the toilet directly. No waddling required.
I'm also not sure about you but when it comes time to dry for me it's 1 "normal use" wipe. Maybe it's a matter of aiming the water so you're not splashing all over yourself? Could also be that (by the sounds of it) you have the full scale bidet where you're meant to dry with a towel? I don't really know much about those ones.