I hate it. Sure. Being called a retard isn't great, but having people claim ASDs are just a different way of thinking is downplaying problems. Oh how quirky we are!

If I wasn't retarded, I would have been able to study properly instead of relying on hyperfocus and high ascociative thinking. I would have graduated. If I wasn't retarded, I would have been able to do things consistently and perseveer. Instead, I lose and gain weight over and over. I'm going to develop diabetes at this rate. Going to a 24/7 open gym is the only chance I got at staving off the problems caused by depression and my dopamine hunger induced eating disorder. If I wasn't retarded, people would have appreciated me more. Instead, I am too much. Say too much. Exist too much. Even when I predict something, or suggest something that people think was good, they believe someone else in the group thought of it.

Furthermore, downplaying the issues could have people mistake just how capable people with autism/ADHD are. People shouldn't think that starting a family with someone autistic is just "going to be a little different." People seriously ought to reconsider marrying someone lacking theory of mind skills. And autists should seriously reconsider whether or not they are suitable parents. Baby cries? Can't have a meltdown. Baby needs consistent care? Better not have exec. dys. inhibiting your jobsecurity and energy management. Need to be able to get on the level of the child, make the child feel heard and understood? Sucks for the kid if the parent lacks that ability too. Both my parents are autistic/AD(H)D, and were downright neglectful and one abusive. They have no real friends. They struggle with emotional regulation and communication. I've been working my ass off to become better than them.

I don't care what people call having multiple mental disabilities. What's important is helping children on the spectrum. Early detection could have spared me further brain damage and subsequent stacking of developmental problems.

[–] rottingleaf@lemmy.zip 2 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Retarded is a synonym of mentally underdeveloped. If that's not the case, then it's just used incorrectly.

Usually because of social disdain for your behavior, and intended to degrade you into a lesser person than them.

Usually starts when your position on something irritates people who don't have any arguments other than your condition.

You've literally described how people around you make mistakes and put their weight on you. You are trying to reach them, but they are not trying to reach you. That's just wrong kind of people. I have friends and even neighbors not like this. Don't try to be good enough for some filth.

I don’t care what people call having multiple mental disabilities. What’s important is helping children on the spectrum. Early detection could have spared me further brain damage and subsequent stacking of developmental problems.

I care about both, but it's correct at least that people with such conditions should know about them as early as possible, to help with the challenges presented.

People shouldn’t think that starting a family with someone autistic is just “going to be a little different.”

Where I live people overthink that a lot. Somebody who had a few abusive relationships still thinks that one with an autistic person is worse because they are disabled or because they are crazy or some other ignorant caveman shit.

But you are right that for an autistic person a relationship with someone not conscious of all this is an idea that will fail without doubt. Because such people don't even know that one can think about relationships, it all works instinctively for them. They react to any diversion from the usual path the same way a Windows user reacts to a BSOD. They don't even see that nothing particularly bad has happened, are afraid to think and just run away.

[–] Shou@lemmy.world 1 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Thank you for reading. I agree with you.

Unfortunately. AD(H)D does impact brain development. People have brains that are and wothout care remain underdeveloped in a few regions, as well as the connections between these regions. So the use of retard is correct.

I can't blame people for not wasting energy on a child that needs a lot more structure, support and training.

As for relationships. They do ask things that people on the spectrum struggle with. From being able to put oneself in the other's shoes, to being aware of how they feel themselves about a situation. Struggling with emotional regulation can also cause problems, while not being aware that what they said or did wasn't okay.

Take my dad for example. He destroyed family ties between my mother and his side of the family. He compartimenalized me as part of "mom's" side. Reducing what little family connection I had. All because of hypersensitivity and not wanting to be around "too many people" once a year for christmas. So to this day he has two christmas parties. With his family, and us. Even though everyone on "his side" is on the spectrum and would have understood if he communicated about getting overstimulated. No one bothered to ask why, or what my sister and I thought of it. As after all, they struggle with theory of mind.

With such carelessness or lack of awareness, I cannot blame someone for not thinking and just running away. If someone is seemingly shortsighted, unreliable or uncaring, why stay with them? Or starting a relationship with them with no certainty things will improve? It's wrong to believe you can change or fix someone, it is foolish to try when you don't.

[–] rottingleaf@lemmy.zip 2 points 5 months ago

I can’t blame people for not wasting energy on a child that needs a lot more structure, support and training.

Nah. Just different choices in all of these. I have ADHD. Most of the problems are not about trying to achieve the same things as others do, but trying to achieve them the same way others do. After solving that there are still downsides, but these are not qualitative.

It takes very little to notice which things don't work and don't try them again. A parent who doesn't care about this is a bad parent, and an educator who ignores this is simply malicious. At least in my experience people would very easily change their approaches.

Including very traditional-minded people and those denying the condition itself ("you don't have a disorder, you just need to do things your own way" is ignorant, but really better than using others' conditions to attack them, and I've heard this really often ; definitely better than "oh, it's so sad, I really hope everything will be good with you, I really like your imagination and hope you'll give it more attention, but it seems you won't change, we are too different, don't write me anymore", said in 20x the amount of words, in relationships).

Those who wouldn't were either insulted by some perceived lack of respect and tried to prove that I'm stupid, needless to say that lack of respect became genuine then (like a few school teachers and university professors, but not all of them ; or peers of the "dumb and uninventive, but proud of being capable of stealing something" kind), or ignorant idiots of the Soviet generation afraid of anything connected to mental health (like my dad, what's even dumber I'm confident he was autistic too).

With such carelessness or lack of awareness, I cannot blame someone for not thinking and just running away. If someone is seemingly shortsighted, unreliable or uncaring, why stay with them? Or starting a relationship with them with no certainty things will improve? It’s wrong to believe you can change or fix someone, it is foolish to try when you don’t.

Humans have invented words to discuss all those things. If it's about spending possibly the rest of your life alongside someone, being reluctant to talk is just strange. Yes, if the other person thinks they know better and this shouldn't be discussed in detail, then no chance.

Unless that other person is too autistic, ha-ha. Then that particular kind of problems one can just write off.